almost December

Yep, last week of November.

I made it through into the next decade. 

Yay me .

turkey week

Well,i made it through the week.

Had Thurs off , made dinner at 3pm.

Baked ham, yam casserole with marshmallows, seasoned green beans, cranberry sauce. 

Put away the leftovers and did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen.

Then we decided to go for a drive to Newport. 

We did the ocean drive, around through the Mansions, then back home. Had pumpkin pie. 

That was it.

The next day was Friday, and i had to work. 

I was able to get the cell router working, but not the software..

Sent an email and called it a day.

Of course it was pizza night, and payday. So i paid bills.. 

Then worked on radios for a few hours.

Got up early.. went to Plymouth for groceries.. finished fixing my radio.. then we went to dinner. It got cold..

We took the grey car, i used it for groceries too.. it seems to be running pretty good.. its really smooth on the highway. It is also really quiet. 

Im not sure if the catalytic converter is cleaned out, but no codes today. 

Also no codes on Ls either since i changed the O2 sensor..been a week! 

I was thinking tonight,since i wont be going anywhere soon..and i need to use 3 days of personal time that i will loose next month.. maybe i will schedule service visits for the cars.. 

Take the days to drive to the dealership.. get them checked out and winterized.

I think Pearl needs and oil change.. and mine just a look through.. and the grey.. needs a coolant flush and a once over and the service intervals set. 

...

At least the unused vacation time is enough to roll over to 24.. 

And the comp time will be paid out .

And the unused Sick just continues to add up .. 

...

I was looking at a tool i need to get to attempt to fix the engine for the red car.. either that or i may borrow Glenns... I was also rethinking straightening up the garage and setting up a workbench. And organizing the tools.

Really just stuff to keep me busy .

I have been digging out old broken radios, and going through them .

I am also considering calling that Solar company and getting that setup.. should have done that in may..but . .. got busy.. or should i say preoccupied..

If i call them now, they probably wont schedule till next spring anyway.

...

Maybe by then my raise and back pay will come ...

I have said so many times..i should have stayed in Dedham.. id have the excuse to be too busy to do anything.. and have the money i had.. i could have worked through the management changes.. and i was already used to the traffic and the drive.. and not having the weekend with everyone else..

I should not have bailed.. 

Yeah, this job is easier..and less stress..but $20k less this year...

The benefits suck.. i wont qualify for the pension.. i have crap in my 401ks.. and SSI will have to do..

I have thought about selling the house, and finding some cheap place elsewhere.. if i can sell at current rates, i could afford to pay off the mortgage, and walk away with enough to buy a place outright, and then retire.. but if i wait too long . .. those opportunities will go . The mkt will drop, and the cheap places will all be gone .

And i will be here.. 

...

On the bright side..

My car payment is nearly done..

The student loan is close.. another couple years ...if L doesn't just pay it off .. she has paid $6k on it this year! 

...

I did lower the house insurance, and paid the refund back to the escrow, and had paid in an extra $600 a few months ago.. so hopefully the reassessment in February will lower the montly payment.. else i should do the solar and sell out.

..

So, thats my financial woes..

Not too bad .

It would be better with the old pay..

I did look at stations in Providence..

Nothing posted.. i have been out 2 years . .. it would be tough going back i think.. then as close to retirement... Probably not a good prospect..

I dug this hole.. i guess i have to sit in it......

...

The past 6 years.. have been misleading..

I thought i was finally getting my due..and that fell flat .

I listened to suggestions and left a high paying job, to avoid unemployment..which probably wouldn't have happened.. i probably could have applied for my boss's job when he left..

I moved with the expectations of a new home and a nice future..to be sidelined by doubt and mistrust ..

I rebounded..and settled into an affordable place with the good job..

And i listened to nay sayers and left for what sounded like a nice slide into retirement..only to find, the dividends were not there..and the economy collapsed..inflation took over and i had spent all my extra money paying off all my debts..with the expectation of earning back my cushion.. well my debts are gone..

And inflation has raised my mortage, insurance and taxes..food and fuel and utilities are all double.. any extra, is more than double.. here i am.. waiting 6 months for the promised raise.. and just not comfortable with my monetary situation..

... I will survive..but .. i was done.. pinching pennies..i guess not.

Well tax time is next.. a couple months.. maybe it will help.

..

Personally.. im lonely.

I miss N.

Not sure she misses me.

I looked at pictures and a calendar.. 

It has been a while.. 

More than 5 hours away...

(I do it in 4)

I was hoping that i she would like me as much as i do her.

,....... delete.......

I am not sure if i fucked this up ...

I probably did .. and i wont know..

Since time and work wont allow it..

She wont tell me.. probably sparing my feelings . .. or hoping she will change her mind..

I thought she was upfront and not one to play games.. but several times she has told me she would be unable to have me up, when she really had a ln issue with something i did or didnt do.. i got her to tell me..but it was tough.. so now, i wonder.. 

I dont want her to drop me.. i would love the chance to fix what ever i can... I know how busy she is..but i want in. I want to be with her . 

If i have messed this up..let me fix it..if i can... Not allowing me to be with her is not helping.. it just leads to more doubt.

..

R

small success

Better than none at all...

I was able to get the connector off the O2 sensor and heat it up and get the new wrench on it and broke it free.. i installed the replacement, gave it a test drive , so far so good.

L took it for a drive too.. fingers crossed. That leaves the grey car.. im thinking i will have to replace the catalytic converter..

At least its still driveable.

.

..

The rest of the day was, weekend chores, groceries, laundry.. diagramed a circuit for an answer to an email. Cleaned up the leak from the dehumidifier.. 

I think i may need to take it down and maybe get a new one..or just shut it off for the winter...

...

My on-call ends on Monday.

Then not again till the beginning of January.

...

It has been a quiet weekend so far..

I have a few tasks left on my list ..

If its not windy or wet tomorrow..i should do the leaves again .

If im feeling ambitious, i may pull the catalytic converter off the spare motor and check it.. its probably 10 bolts to pull . .. i should clean up the workspace in the garage if im gonna be doing much in there.. its a bit cluttered since pulling two motors and one install, and the other maintenance.. i did clean out the metal parts to the scrap yard. And rearranged a little.. but i have boxes and old frame parts that should go too. I need to build or get a workbench and better way to organize my tools.

I have a dismantled desk in the basement, i could clear a space for it and use it as a bench.. maybe put a extra top on it .. i could mount the vice and move the grinder up from the basement.. 

Then.. clean and arrange the work area in the basement... Pitch all the empty boxes and junk that has collected. Maybe look for some shelving.. 

...

Yeah, i got plenty to do..

I should vacuum tomorrow..too.

..

R

delivery

I was happy to hear she got the box .

She said at first that she had not opened it. 

I told her it was her birthday presents..

The next morning i said good morning and happy birthday.. 

She said she liked the gifts and the card.  I like that she said gift was so.. her..! And the set was beautiful, And the card was funny. 

I was hoping it was all that. 

I am happy that it was well received. 

I did put some thought into it and found just what i thought she would like. 

Im sorry that i could not deliver it personally..but i was able to get it there on time.

:)

The end of this call week has had its issues.. a midnight call out.. because a fire department radio was keying on tying up the channel.. really bad.. but we got it killed and the radio showed up the next day . ..uh this isnt working..... 

Remote lockout is a good tool.

That day we had another.. issue we had to lock out another radio.. one that was supposed to be destroyed a few months ago.. and someone was using it . ..hello.. hello.. is this working???... 

Bam! Not anymore!

We had a console on the end of the Cape go down during an electrical outage caused by exploding helium ballons!! But before we had to drive down and hour ..it corrected.. but im ready.. i have the spare part to replace if needed..

Finally.. i hope.. 3:30.. had someone..IT.. disconnect some equipment in the service bldg.. i was sent to go reconnect it and get 3 county systems back up and running..i drove out . .. the IT guy was still there . .. he said he was reconnecting the equipment as i came in.. so i called dispatch and we tested it and finished disconnecting the old equipment...

All good.. i got back and logged an hour OT.

So thats 5 hrs OT this week...

Nice.

But i still have the weekend to get through.

...

I did buy the wrenches i need for the O2 sensor..and I figure out how to dismantle the connector, so i can get the new wrench on the sensor .. hopefully i can break it loose.

Get it changed and get no more codes so L can get the inspection done in Feb.

Still have the issue on the new car..may need to replace the catalytic converter..with the spare..but its driveable.

.

I still need to schedule some time off so i wont lose it .and still no raise..

But i did get the insurance refund and moved it into the mortgage Escrow..and hopefully the mortgage won't go up again.  The new insurance is $600 less.. so at least it should stay the same in 2024...

..

I need to look at my spending.. i need to scale back.. save some where i can.. i still need to look seriously at solar . .and a house generator..

I need to get rid of the parts car ...either put a ecm and an engine in it and sell it ..or part it out and junk it.

Or sell the grey one for $5k and wash my hands of it...

....

I wonder ...will i get to go skiing this year???

...

Random thought..

...

So next week is Turkey Day.. and im working till Wednesday..and then Friday..

No plans except cooking.

..

I wish i had something planned.. something to do.. somewhere to go..

...

Oh well ..

..

Miss you N.

..

R

end of the week

It has been a busy week.  

Sorry to hear that N was not well. 

Flare up .  Which meant pain and worry.  I wish i could be more helpful.. i hope she realizes i care deeply.. and wish i could take away her pain. She asks nothing if me..i would gladly give anything she asked for if it was in my power.

I care ...i just am not sure if i can show it properly.

I sincerely hope she gets good info from the tests and can get the care she needs... Affordably. 

No surgery is affordable...but hopefully it will be what is needed for a long time to come .

...

I did send her presents.. it shows they were delivered on Wednesday.. i texted this morning.. and she only mentioned the dr. Appointment .

I asked after if she got a package..but no reply yet ..

I hope she likes it.

R

doubt...

Good morning.

Yes, i wont say doubt has crept in..it is just here. 

I cannot help feeling that im being held at arms lenght. 

Im not sure if it is because im not trusted..or if the timing just is not in our favor.

I really want this to work. I want to find a way to be with her.

Yeah , 5hours drive is tough, but i am willing. Yeah, work and home are obstacles. But isnt it worth the effort? Shouldn't we at least try to make those things a part of what we want. 

I am more than willing.

I liked her then, and the time after, and now.. 

Yeah, we can be friends..but can we be more? I want more.. 

..

It just isnt fair.. i dont know how to fix this doubt.. mine or hers.. 

...

My doubt, is that she has given up..replaced any thought of me with all she has to do. It was always there , i was just trying to squeeze into her very busy life. 

I understand why we do that. We let everything become the reason we get up.. 

We forget to let someone in, let in the happy.

..

R

working weekend

Not really .  Actually on call.

I just got a page.. informational..but i made a call and sent an email. 

.. thats it.. not even worth charging for .

The girl with the mini got her new part, and asked if i would come by and program it. I agreed and said Friday after work.

She said her dad asked if they should install it before i came over..i said yes. Early today(i was not near my phone, so i got the text after 2..) they put in the new module and everything was working! So i didnt need to program it. 

..

We worked on the bosses car, all day..in the garage.. my phone was up in my tool bag.. so i heard nothing.. 

..

I got my food and went home.. worked on radios.. and watched an ai movie. 

I have laundry the post office to mail a box and groceries and maybe deliver a radio and a microphone tomorrow.. then move some leaves and go to dinner..

..

Nothing going on..

Except in my over active head..

...

She adjusted for the end of DST.. and is working mostly afternoon/evenings..

... Maybe we could spend some time together...?? I am more than willing to help.. i would do anything.. 

I know i messed up.. trying to be to much the gentleman.. not pressing ..

Really.. i wanted.. i didnt.

I dont read the signs.. i think ..and later.. guess ..and kick myself .

Why cant you just tell me.. what you are expecting.. i am not like anyone else.. i am. ..but i dont allow myself to be that way..not without encouragement..you got to ask..not hint...i dont interpret hints..not for a long time after thinking about it ...

Yes, i do think about it all ..over and over..and over.. i realize ..i should have, could have..but..here i am .

...

I know i have messed this up .

I dont know if i can fix it..

But..i get a few encouraging texts .

But followed by..im too busy..

..

I would take time off..i could go up and spend time..

I have time..that i wont use ..unless i have a place to go, something to do or..to spend time somewhere i want to be....someone i want to be with!...

..

Yet . Here i am.. 

..

My savings are depleted..

I got a report from one if my 401k programs.. if i retire in 5 years.. i will get $145 /mo..for 24 years..

Oh yes!!!!! NOT! 

Yes, i have SSI.. and its good...if it survives..but got to make another 5yrs.. 

..

I have been looking at solar again..

I need to check where K works .and see if it is a good fit..

Maybe lease a system and get a battery system and a generator.. then sell the place and downsize...

..

A bunch of things i should be doing....

..

I need sleep... Not that i sleep good..alone.. but i need to try.

R

November starting

Here i am.. made it through the milestone.. 

Got a hug.. from L.

J said Happy happy.

Thats it .. 

Uber quiet.

All good i guess .. N didnt notice..

I asked if she was doing anything for her day . Just working..

I have a week of time i have to use before 12/31.. plus another 30 hours that i can carry over..

It would be great to use my time.. and actually enjoy not being at work.

I would love to just take a week and hang out with N .. help around the farm..be there before and after she got home from work..really spend time . Be helpful and productive and feel like a couple.

I wish..

I do miss her..i wish i could figure out how to fit in..

I need her..

I need to spend more time together..

I can hope..

R

dinner..

Made the reservation this morning.

Did laundry and went for groceries.. the car tripped a code.. i didnt have the scan tool, so had to wait till i got home.. 4 cat codes. Before and after.. cleared them.

Got a call from Glenn, his neighbour has a mini and is having footwell module issues, asked if i have the software to read it.. so i stopped by after i put the groceries away.

He was doing some engine work, a thermostat, and when he reconnected the battery it sparked and blew a few fuses.. after that the headlights  wont turn off, the windows wont go down and other things.. so i tried to read the module and it wasnt responding.. i could read the others.. so i suggested he buy a used module from ebay and let me know and i will drop by and program it for $30.

Then we talked about rallys and his daughter said she had heard of them.

..

So i got back home, and reassembled the parts car.. i had taken out the stereo and dont need it since i fixed the new car by replacing the Bluetooth module. So hat to put it back in and put the dash back together. ..

..

Then we left for the dinner reservation. Got there a lil late..but al went good. Brazilian buffet.. awesome.. ate way too much..

.. 

I have a couple radios to deliver tomorrow.. and should rotate the tires on Betty.  They need a cleaning too .

If im feeling ambitious.. i may pull the catalytic converter off the engine in the garage.. and see if it needs cleaning...or if i can use it on Ls car..

She may need it.. if not just the sensors. 

Since i cant get the sensor out.. it may be the best way.

Actually i should have did that this past week, L was off.. SMH.. well, if i do.. now we have a spare car.. if it takes a day or two.

...

Got a text this morning.. busy and tired.. so definitely no.

My on call starts Monday for the next two weeks.. i need to ask if she has birthday plans... And if i can come up ..even if its mid week .   Todd would cover my on call for a couple days.. 

If not.. im gonna have to mail her present..

I would love to give it to her .. it isnt much.. but it would be the first gift.

..

I also need to tell her the salve seems to be working . 

I knew it would. 

..

I wish i could help more .

I feel like such a burden when im there . Like she has to do things different because im there..

I just want to be a part.

There isnt much i wont do as far as helping out.. she should not be afraid of asking for me to do anything.

I have tried to say that, show that.

I don't want to be in the way..i know its difficult to have to explain how some things need to be done.. especially if i have never done it before . But, im willing to do it the way it needs to be done.

.. is it so hard to see that i just want to be with her? 

...

R

reservation..hgp

I guess I am not going anywhere this weekend.. call starts Monday..

The bridge work is done. I am waiting to hear if the bosses are going to change my schedule back to 8 to 4..

Been working 7 to 3 during the construction. Leaving at 6 to beat the traffic..been getting to work about 6:30..and sitting there in my car till i can clock in at 7. Not allowed to clock in early or late.. 

But now that the bridge is done, i can sleep in an hour and still leave by 6:30 and get there before 7... if they keep my schedule the same... Plus with daylight savings falling back an hour.. it will be easier to keep getting up early .

I did ask.. and got no response from the boss.. the supv..said he would let us know..

...

I asked about this weekend..

I was sure it was gonna be a no..she is still covering shifts.. i just want  one night and a day.. a few hours...

But i don't want to be a pain in the ass, i know she has obligations and responsibilities..and im just the boyfriend who lives too far away.

.. 

So, i will check in the morning for dinner reservations.. L and J want to go to Hyannis..

We could with out a reservation..but i will see if one can be made.

The project car did great last night out to The Cape and back..

No codes .  Running good.

Gonna take it for groceries tomorrow.. next i need a road trip..

A few hundred miles.. 

..

Now the question.. do i keep it.. or sell it.. i think i can get $5k for it.

Ruben just sent me a link for one ..$1000.. stopped working after it got rained on.. probably a corroded module.. could be a simple fix and not too expensive.. 

..

Im fighting.. i think im loosing.. i had a couple cool conversations.. then i must have asked the wrong thing.. 

And nothing..

I understand busy.. but.. no response? At all?..like i never asked a question..

I have been debating..just drive up.. time it.. and text and say im here, if you have a minute... I just want a hug and want to give you your birthday present.  Then hug and go home.

...

It would be worth the drive..

..

I hope it would show in really not giving up.

..

She had been stalked.. i dont want to do that.. i just care..and cant figure out why we are having such difficulties..

I must have screwed up and have not recovered..

.. 

The milestone looms...

Im ready.. but..it is a place i didnt think i was gonna be..im old..and 

Have made lots of mistakes..

Learned a bit...but..still not ..

Where i wanted to be.. a bit of regret..i was making good ...real good $$ , but since i decided to bail..for sanity.. i am on the verge of struggling.. not there yet . But less than 6 yrs.. or 2yrs..

... No .

More like 6.. at the current situation..

Maybe..i should look again at Providence...was paying good ...

Maybe portland???

..

I could sell this place for $650k..pay it off.. and still pocket $300k..

There are houses in NH and ME for $200k...Land J are going no where.. so if i want to move..they wont care.

.. i think.. i have done all i should.. but will continue..if i can ..

L is an adult.. and could learn to survive with out my support.

Im too old to be the sole means of support..

Im not.. and been weaning it off.. 

I think its one reason why i left Dedham.. less money from me

A bit from L.. and a bit more..

Not all from me

...

Yet..here i am worried about the electric and gas..

...

I don't know how to feel about Wednesday..

60..

Dont feel 60..

Don't want to feel 60...

Its too old..

...

Im old

...

R

hello November

So, November started cold and wet.

Today was sunny and cold. 

We finished the last TV install. 

I made a audio cable for work to use on a new PA system.

I also researched the wireless mic, to figure out why it wont turn on unless you pull the battery.. defective.. brand new.. needs to go back.

I also looked for manuals to change the settings on the new TVs ..they are too dark .

I found a manual and some settings to try.

...

The weekend is approaching.. 

I need to ask if i can go up for a visit..

Ia would like to see N .. i hope she hasnt lost interest.. 

We both will always be busy.. if we want this to go anywhere..we have to make time for us.

.. I was gonna ask if she had plans for her birthday? Plus i know thanksgiving is coming.. 

I will take time off if i can come up for her birthday.. 

Todd will cover my call if i ask.

..

No raise yet.. no insurance check..

I have a deficit in my escrow..because they paid both insurance companies.. i may have to put the cash back . And hope for a reimbursement check..

I need to before the mortgage co raises my payment..for am escrow shortage...

The thing i was trying to lower.....

...

I did get confirmation that i cant do any better than i just did..

Saved $600.. on the house insurance...

...

I had a minute...i was regretting leaving the station..

Miss the money.. the rest was manageable.. even the no time and long drives.. but id have Monday and Tuesday off... Since my weekend does not sync with anyone else...

..but it has passed.. who needs $5k a month??

....

The radios are done..the cobra, jeffs and the guy from Fall River..

Working on Rubens next radio..

I may have a solution to 2 other people's projects...just need to add the switching.. i have an idea.. 

...

I miss her.. N .. please.. make time for me.

...

R