July 2022

Well here I am.. 

Funny...I really don't feel that alone..

I am..but I have had a few bright spots in my life..and work and non-work has been taking all my energy.. 

I do have dedicated time with L and it fills in each week.

Having A here and getting to the no stress level was very nice..but very short.. in a few days she will be off to Europe..and I will be here.. back to my norm.. 

It really is all I have.. 

I have more than enough to be occupied.. 

..

One thing..

I cannot figure out why I cant be more expressive with this situation.. 

I do love her..I think she knows this.. 

I have told her.. but..the contact has been so light.. it is still stressful to show it beyond polite courtesies. 

We have been intimate..but it has always been an after thought..never a focus.. 

Oh I always want to go there.. always.. but something in my mind stops me.. I want to be a gentleman..a nice guy..not some animal.. and I don't see her as accepting that type.. but.. 

We do enjoy each other's touch and company. 

I cannot deny I want way more.. mentally and physically.. I really need more physically...I have lived this long..with so little contact on a physical level.. the whole 20 years in limbo..and the last bunch... Few and far between.. it's July! .. the last was  December.. once.. !

I realize.. that this is all I get. 

A bit.. just a bit... 

No more.

Yeah . I'm a dweeb.. always have been ... Always will be.. 

Yes. .. a lonely dweeb. 

Now .. I'm just me ... On an old fart..

Living in a post-covid world..

Still timid...still afraid to assert myself.. or to even try to be assertive..

Where the hell is ISTBA? 

I guess he abandoned me..

Well, in a few days..I will carry on .

As I have for the past few..

If work don't replace me with the new guy.. I will keep on... Keeping on.

Maybe, I will plan a trip..

One for me..and see where I end up.

I am blank.. and a bit drunk..

So.. till the next..

R