ok...that was expected...really...it was...

Yeah. 

I always seem to start this the same ..

Lack of coordination.. 

Assumption of not caring.. 

Then . .. if I'm lucky.. we connect for a time. 

I guess I have not made it clear..

I want you in my life.. I want to spend time with you..when ever I can.. 

I understand I am not going to be your all the time... I know you have many other people who want your time.. 

I know .. somewhere I mistook this for more than what it is.. and now that I know.. I am ok .. I appreciate any and all time we can spend together.. I have gone to lengths to not be up your ass..all the time.. 

I am sorry that it appears that I don't care.. 

It is just the opposite.. I do.. and I don't want to mess this up by being too intense.. 

But I know I will.. because my 'trying not to be intense' looks like I don't care.......

I had call this weekend..I traded it with Owen..so he could have the 25th.. it would have been good.. 

But.. no level coordination..

Hmm just like last year.. 

I didn't say... Neither did you. 

My fault..for trying to plan..

This is way too complicated..

Too much to work through..

I care.. I need you in my life..

I won't .. can't .. get this to work.

 Where is ISTBA now???

....

Meanwhile..

I am swamped with radios.. and someone..knocked down my fence.. then neatly stacked it..  :(

I guess I will be replacing fence posts tomorrow..

On a pleasant note.. I have 30+ hours comp time..that has to be used by the end of the month..or be paid out.. and July 1 I get a week and a day of vacation.. 

And I am scheduled to work a Sunday touch a truck on the 25th.. and this month it is all cash..

I am good with that.

And that is that .

I have plenty of radios to fix.. and plenty of stuff to do around the house.. 

...

Really .. why am I so lost..

(Recurring question)

Why..can I not figure this out??

Yes..I can robotically go through the motions ... work, home., Sleep repeat..day after day.. 

One step closer to retirement..

What the hell am I gonna do after I retire?? 

I have no plan... No idea..

I don't have anyone to spend my time with..

Yes ..L needs me..for now.. but I cannot rely on that...

I don't have lots of money to do anything.. else..

Travel would be nice.. 

Who am I kidding..I probably will be home.. doing nothing.. wondering why I'm alone.. 

Feeling low now.. need to stop..

R 6/10/22