hey!

Just an attention getter.. 

I have visited with my friend and gone swimming, and slept over..

She thought I was mad, I explained I was not. I explained I thought she was busy with other visits..and I didn't want to push myself on her. 

I also explained that we always do this.. it takes a little time for us to synchronize.. then we work it out. 

She agreed.  

As always, I know she is here for a short time ...shorter this time.. and I don't want to monopolize her all to myself.. but I want to spend as much time as possible.. but I know she will be leaving..and understand where I fit in.. 

Really I do. 

What I want.. and what is.. are different.. 

I know how I feel..I know how my soul feels complete when she is with me.. I know it isn't going to be that. I'm ok with it..I appreciate the time I get.. 

I am so awkward around her..I want to just grab her and make her mine..but realistically..I know... I am not going to be more than we are now.

Life is weird that way..

But it's ok..and I will be me always. 

...

On a serious note, I got a call, as I was leaving Tonight.. M is worried about D. She thinks S has suicidal issues, and asked to be taken to the hospital, they have her under observation..then will decide if she needs to stay.. 

She had talked to her therapist and he suggested she go to the Hospital. 

Fortunately she did.

She has had issues since she got home from school.. something must have happened and with all the other stresses, she is struggling..

M is terrified.. and so worried..

I wish I knew what to tell her.. 

But D did as for help, and did go to the hospital .

Depression is a terrible thing . 

I only hope for the best.. 

My thoughts will be focused for all I am worth. 

.......

Work...

So far so good.. made it past 6 months.. going for training on the 10th.. and working the 4th .. a real work.. OT.. .. hopefully will learn how it's setup. 

No MTTS this year ... Again.. could not go.. work.. COVID.. gas.. $$.. 

Maybe next time.

May be able to plan a vacation trip in a couple months.. 

Other than that.. I am me .

R 

quick note

Waitng for food...

It has been as was expected.

I blew it..said visitor a few hours.. 

On a Saturday with a Monday holiday.. then worked on radios all day. Then worked on Lindsey's car on Monday. Had to be done ..

The time spent was good.. but not sure of how it's going... 

I worked late Tuesday, and was dead tired Wednesday. 

It's Thursday..got a call a few min before I left work.. could not talk, she suggested to call me back in 10 min

... No call on my way home..so in 45min, I sent a text.. 'was I supposed to call?'.. she replied . .. 10 min was too long..out to dinner ...will call when done..

So that is how it goes.. 

Now we have a possibility of a visit on Saturday for the pond and hanging out at the house.

I am hopeful...

So..took a drive and am waiting on food.. then drive home..and sleep and Friday!!! 

I guess I can't make this any worse.. 

I think I look bad . .. you know... Like I don't care.. or am indifferent.. 

But ... NO.. 

I am so hooked.. it pains me to mess this up.. to look like I don't care.. 

Oh I care. 

But I will always be alone in the grand scheme..

Only because I require more..

I won't get it.

Food is here..

R

ok...that was expected...really...it was...

Yeah. 

I always seem to start this the same ..

Lack of coordination.. 

Assumption of not caring.. 

Then . .. if I'm lucky.. we connect for a time. 

I guess I have not made it clear..

I want you in my life.. I want to spend time with you..when ever I can.. 

I understand I am not going to be your all the time... I know you have many other people who want your time.. 

I know .. somewhere I mistook this for more than what it is.. and now that I know.. I am ok .. I appreciate any and all time we can spend together.. I have gone to lengths to not be up your ass..all the time.. 

I am sorry that it appears that I don't care.. 

It is just the opposite.. I do.. and I don't want to mess this up by being too intense.. 

But I know I will.. because my 'trying not to be intense' looks like I don't care.......

I had call this weekend..I traded it with Owen..so he could have the 25th.. it would have been good.. 

But.. no level coordination..

Hmm just like last year.. 

I didn't say... Neither did you. 

My fault..for trying to plan..

This is way too complicated..

Too much to work through..

I care.. I need you in my life..

I won't .. can't .. get this to work.

 Where is ISTBA now???

....

Meanwhile..

I am swamped with radios.. and someone..knocked down my fence.. then neatly stacked it..  :(

I guess I will be replacing fence posts tomorrow..

On a pleasant note.. I have 30+ hours comp time..that has to be used by the end of the month..or be paid out.. and July 1 I get a week and a day of vacation.. 

And I am scheduled to work a Sunday touch a truck on the 25th.. and this month it is all cash..

I am good with that.

And that is that .

I have plenty of radios to fix.. and plenty of stuff to do around the house.. 

...

Really .. why am I so lost..

(Recurring question)

Why..can I not figure this out??

Yes..I can robotically go through the motions ... work, home., Sleep repeat..day after day.. 

One step closer to retirement..

What the hell am I gonna do after I retire?? 

I have no plan... No idea..

I don't have anyone to spend my time with..

Yes ..L needs me..for now.. but I cannot rely on that...

I don't have lots of money to do anything.. else..

Travel would be nice.. 

Who am I kidding..I probably will be home.. doing nothing.. wondering why I'm alone.. 

Feeling low now.. need to stop..

R 6/10/22 

update ...

Saturday..up too early..thought it was a work day... Went back to sleep..up again.. cat ... Finally got up.. fed the cat.. started the coffee ...made the grocery list.. went to the post office to mail a box then shopping.. short list.. don't really need much.. and L has to work tonight, so dinner is on the agenda... 

Forgot my cold bags..so rushed home... Started working on Rubens radio.. probably about noon.. no joy.. hours.. finally put it up..and made dinner.. then got a msg.........

Call my phone.....

A is in VA.. and will be visiting in a week or so.. house/pet sitting for a few weeks..this month.. her and Sandy are gonna drive up and stop in. .. 

I got the rundown of her next iteration.. gonna start traveling in Scotland this year.. she found a great way to house/pet sit for people all over ..starting in Scotland .. she will have a lot of fun I think.. I'm happy for her to have worked this out. 

I am happy to know I will get to see her before she starts this journey.. 

I really do miss her.  

I have been keeping it light..and keeping my distance, so I didn't seem so needy . Or desperate.. 

You can't push me away with out me making a change in the way I act towards you.. 

You let me get attached, and then I realized it was too intense for you.. and you made that plain.. after I realized it..when you cooled off.. I guessed it was done..and accepted we would remain friends if I kept my feelings to the 'right now'..

And that is what I have done. 

Fortunately..life keeps me busy..and time passes fast.. and it seems like I don't care..or that I'm not hooked.. 

News flash.. I've been hooked since we were kids.. you were always on my list of loves.... 

For many years.. thought to never be.. 

But.. things that were meant to happen .. happen.

I guess that is one thing that bugs me.. 

Just too late.. always too late . 

I have spent the last 6 months trying not to be to intense.. trying to stay cool..and friendly but not 'that guy'..

Your comment..' you won't ask what's up..' it's because..I'm trying not to be intense.. oh I want to know.. I would love to be invited in.. but..I'm not gonna ask ....

So I will be alone..as the universe intended... 

Yes, I know the universe has me destined to be who and what and where I am.. 

I dare someone to challenge that..

I get a carrot.. dangled now and then..and when I reach for it.. 

Yep.. slapped down and denied..

It is the story of my life . 

I can go way back.. and it has been there .. you need this..want that ...get the other.. 

So much of that, over time and you get jaded.. and usually miss the opportunity, because you just don't believe what you see and doubt what you get.

Proof.. I married a lesbian..that hated men..and mother's .. and stayed with me for 20 years..and raised our daughter..just to walk away.. and give up . 

Now.. I'm alone..and can't figure out how I got this old and this alone...

I kinda give up.

No way to go forward..no one new in my life.. every try is fruitless.. 

The pandemic was poorly timed..and here I am.. 

Still just me and still just as lost.

I could use a person that could encourage me to move forward..to live beyond now. 

It isn't in me..maybe it is. But I need someone to help bring it out to let it out.. to give me direction. 

(Got to read this later)

Anyway.. 

It was nice to hear from A.. I hope to see her soon . .. maybe get Sushi. And go swimming..

Life is strange sometimes...

R

Hello June

I made it to June. 

In a week or so... I will have been in the new job, 6 months!  So far so good. I still have plenty to do. 

I'm happy, and the bosses seem good with it. 

No raise yet.. maybe in a couple weeks?? Only a cost of living .. 

No... I didn't get the C19 bonus... :(

I didn't expect it, but the $2k would have been nice.

No matter. 

I did get a message to check my old email.. 

There was a 'thank you' email from My old job, for helping make it through the network virus attack last year. 6/3 was the anniversary of the morning it happened. 

Lots of long days and innovative and creative collaboration to keep the system working, and keeping it looking like nothing happened. 

Quite a feat.. with no phones, no internet, limited network, and absolutely no remote access, wiped or useless computers ..until we made it happen.. 

Literally..the show must go on! 

Everyone.. did what we could and what we do best..and really..didn't get any real acknowledgement..or compensation... But  a year later..a thank you email.. 

I guess.. all in a day's work..

Yes, probably another reason I left...

 ....

Moving on...

I sent Ls car up, and it turned out the engine light was a timing chain.. 

The solenoids I replaced didn't fix it..and ended up needing to be replaced again.. the after market ones didn't register properly.. 

The dealer charged me $700 for the 2 solenoids.. that I bought medium prices ones for $140.. and actually charged me $100 more to install the rear one over the front one..

I had just done that..in my garage in 15min.. with one 10mm wrench and without moving anything.. I was not happy.. the entire job cost $4500... 

And when I got the car back..I spent 6 hrs replacing the front struts... 

I just need to install 2more parts to get the car ready for new tires.. another $800 .

But.. it will be good for the next 100k miles.. practically a new car ..

Too bad . No rally this time.. 

Oh..yeah.. one of the guys at work has C19.. fortunately not someone I work with regularly..but my manager and supv.. both were exposed.. not sure if they were infected too . 

But, me and Owen seem to be uneffected. 

I have been fixing radios almost non-stop all year.. I ordered more parts

..Chips and sockets.. I have been installing and selling chips.. Microprocessors..for 2 years..I just bought another 25.. and sold 2 more this past week.. I'm down to 10 or so in stock..so will need the new ones soon enough.

The radios keep arriving.. no problem there..an occasional difficult one..and challenge is good..most of the time..

I was able to get 2 mailed out this morning..and another tomorrow

.. and one arrived this afternoon... 

Just need to make the time to get them done.. also the locals have been dropping them off as well..

Got 1 redo and another local one.. to tune and align.

...

It's a thing I like to do..most of the time..and makes some change..and keeps me sharp..

I used to be better..but can make my way.. and have years of experience to fall back on..

...

It is June..

I have been keeping 'light' contact..on all fronts..but not pressing. 

I am at...the let's see what happens next phase.. 

Really... Not expecting anything..but as always it would be welcome..

I have no one else.. 

...

And I do care ...

I wish..it had happened 20 years ago..it may have been a different life..for me..

Anything earlier than that..would have been much different..lots of things I would have wanted to be the same...

I have heard nothing of my recent past.. it has been a year or so..

I guess.. L has heard recently..but refused to reply past..'leave me alone'...

I feel sorry for them both...really.

I have nothing else to say...so I don't.

I seem to be still stuck in this post-pandemic..lonelyness... Not meeting anyone new..no new network of people..no way to meet anyone..

None of the usual ways are available..work..friends..radio.. I am trying to get out..once a week.. weekend..to be seen..but.. 

I am me..not really an extrovert..but...

I am trying...kinda.

It could be worse.. I could be home..just working on radios.. and doing the same ole...

I just hate being alone..just working to pay bills..and no appreciation..or recognition..

I think I would be happy with a pat on the back..maybe a backrub.. or even a hug and a kiss now and then.. work has made me used to not being recognized..and to take what I can ..

It's a sad state.. it should be much easier after all this time...

I guess I have..made this..what it is..

Choices made.. 

I never thought I would have been this old on this situation..alone..and wondering.. 

I dont remember planning for this future..but here I am..not sure this is what it was supposed to be ....

You know..I never thought I would be alone.. 

I never wanted to be alone..

Funny... But not .. :(

R 6/3/22