December 2021 closing notes...

2021 I am back and I just made the step, the one that will terminate my current employment, and begin the new. I have written a '2 week notice' letter, and placed it on the supervisors desk, and slid another under the managers door. I am off the next 2 days, the Manager will not be back in the office for another week, and the supervisor will not be in on the day I need to inform him. He will be in tomorrow, and will hopefully see the letter. I will send it along via email as well, but not till tomorrow or the next day. Only 2 people currently know here at work, but I am sure before i return on Wednesday, it will be known. I am curious as to the steps that are next. A bit more than 2 weeks notice, but I expect to be asked to share the things I do, and how I do them. I should probably start making a list or an outline. The new position will be a challenge, but hopefully I will enjoy it. I have to tighten my budget, and adjust my spending until I see what the take home pay looks like. L has offerend to do more, and that is good. In my mind we will be fine, but I havent attempted to calculate the budget. I am waiting to see my schedule and the pay schedule and the first paychecks. In my personal life, I am trying to settle into what I know, without stressing. I dont think I damaged our friendship, and I am keeping my intensity in mind and trying not to overthink. We started and ended this year as friends. I expect small changes to that but nothing to improve or damage it. Time and distance will always work against me or for me, completely not in my control. The job change will also dictate my ability to take time off and travel. I will need to check when I will be eligble to take time off. There is a Mini Cooper road trip this year. Probably wont make that. Yep, a great way to start a new year.. take it as it comes, and make the best of it. Looking back, I was able to sort things out a bit, I made the best of the times I was given. I was able to cleanup my debt. Something I am really proud of. The debt reduction plays into the new job, because my monthly expenses have reduced, the inital reduction in pay will be more managable. I learned a bit about my approach to relationships, and hopefully I can keep that in mind going forward. I am also hoping my work schedule will normalize and I can spend less time driving back and forth to work, and bit more time at home and maybe even find time to socalize. Looking forward, it is an open slate, and opportunities may present themselves and choices will be made. Now just to get through the next month, and we will see how I feel then. R 12/26/21

December 2021

My turn to sit in the airport. 

Waiting to go home. I have a couple hours, better early than late. 

Maybe I can get on stand by, and catch an earlier flight, at least for this leg.

I had a great time, visiting, de-stressing, and being a tourist.

I enjoyed being near someone, learning from them, and more about them.  I will always wish her the best in all she chooses to do.

She is an amazing person. 

I am headed back to the day to day, hopefully with positive changes coming in the near future. 

Even if it is the same old grind..I will survive as I do. 

This being December, I usually reflect on the past year. I am not sure I am fully ready to do that just yet. 

I will say this much, this year has been full. I accomplished a lot that I wanted to do. I tried my best to enjoy my Summer, and with the help of a few, I can say that I did. 

A big thank you to all that participated..and another to those that did not.. 

I am completing my trip, and will recover what I can from the outlay of savings, but over all it should be minimal. With the financial efforts of this past year, the impact of my vacation will be easy to correct. 

I am slightly concerned, as always as to the condition..or should I say status of the company I work for. This past years stresses on its revenue stream has hit hard. We all know there is always a trickle down effect. Especially when it happens to the type of owners involved. I feel they are detached from the purpose of our organization.. yes, they know what we do..but I get the feeling they are more toward the bottom line, and not so much about the function. 

I can explain it this way.. 

you have a shiny new Quarter..and equally shiny new Dimes and Nickles..their value is monetarily the same..but you cant put Dimes in the Quarter slot machine..so you get rid of the Dimes and Nickles.. and hope you can make up the loss, taking the chance with the Quarter. Meanwhile someone else picks up the change and either converts them all to Nickles to use on the Niclkle machine or just takes the 25 cents and goes home, knowing their worth.

Anyway... 

I think that is all for now..

I posted part of October on social media, because, I feel right now, it is relevant to how I feel. So no need to say it again here..

Each time may be the last time..enjoy what you can, while you can, before they are all just memories.

Rp 12/13/21

October 20, 2021

Today the plane left. 

Mixed feelings, I have not been sleeping well. I woke at 3:30a, at 4a I got the text that she had arrived at the airport and was at her gate. The plane was boarding at 5:30.

At 5:30, I was on the highway looking at the full moon. 

The last day we saw each other was Thursday, so it has been a week. We walked and talked about being friends, and planned my visit.  I know where I stand, I am a friend. 

But, I think about how different it was and could be.  

I know she is free, and living her life far from where I am..in more ways than one. She has mentioned more than a few times it is time for a change in direction, and that she was not sure what direction it would take her.  The hopeful me was thinking maybe we would cross paths more than going in opposite directions. We already did that..and yet circled back.. but <<sigh>>  wishful thinking. 

Anyway..the trip in a couple months may show me the real of it all. 

I cannot shake the feeling that we are connected..and should remain close.. 

....

I was thinking this morning..

as we get older.. we should be looking more toward someone we want to be near. Not what we wanted when we were young, not the perfect person, the one to grow with..we need someone who is grown, and will accept us as we are, and we accept them as they are. We need someone that forgives more than blames. We need to be forgiving and understanding of eachothers faults and history. The baggage is part of who we are. We carry it around with us and either share it or not, but it is part of who we have become. As soon as we realize this, the sooner we can allow someone else in, to love us for all we are. They need to see it is the same for them. 

Accept, forgive, love. 

.....

Safe travels.

Rp 10/20/2021

Been a bit

It is mid September, Summer is over, and the pandemic has shifted gears to new strains, but with most people vaccinated, not a lot of issues, other than the ones reported to get the unvaccinated to vaccinate. Travel has resumed in most countries, and all over the US. I have gone nowhere. L is still scared, from what she sees online. she has not been in a restaraunt in more than a year. I still wear a mask in the stores, and in other publc places and at work. I am not sure if I will travel this year. I have cancelled any road trip plans I had. I have air plane tickets that expire in December.. right now, I am unsure if I did go, if I would be welcome. I am not sure if I have done something to mess this friendship up or not.. but we are getting close to the time for A to go back, and I have not seen her or spoke with her in person in almost three weeks.. I took time off, to be able to spend some time together, and she made plans to go to Maine, which got postponed, but did go to Arizona for a week, and then after she came back I was working, and on my weekend, she went to Maine.. All my conversations have been one sided texts, with short responses or questions in answer to questions.. I feel like I did something wrong.. but dont know. I am guessing a few things, either i started to appear to be getting too close again, wanting too much... Or, she was seeing that she was getting too close, and we cant have that. As I said in the beginning of this Summers adventure, I know how I get, I get attached, and appear to be over board, but I know in the end, she is going home, with out me, to live her life. I just wanted to spend any available time i could with her. I have nothing else. Of course no one believe that.. everyone thinks I have these multiple lives I lead, I have no idea where that comes from.. Why else do I get so attached to anyone that shows me some attention?? I have been this way all my life.. which is why I am alone now.. no one wants me, not for more than few minutes at a time. Well, if it is that I was getting too close, too clingy, maybe a kind word, letting me know.. instead of all this apparent avoidance. Hey, i may be wrong..maybe it just wasnt convient to squeeze me in for a couple days that I was free, around my work days.. they have been nuts.. but.. I would have made time, even just to go for a walk, or get some coffee.. I like being with her, it feels right to be around her, we talk, she shares helpful things with me. makes me feel like an equal. Oh well, maybe this will all be just somethiing in my head.. and next week she will seek me out to spend time with me before she goes back to work. or maybe not.. R 09/15/2021

Looking down the road..

 I am trying to look down the road. 

I am hoping the changes we all have been faced with making these past months have not been too severe.

I fear too much time has passed and too many changes were required of everyone individually, that it will have to be a 'new normal' because going back to what it was before seems like it will be really difficult, because I don't think we can remember how.  I am not sure I remember what it was. So many subtle changes along with the obvious changes and requirements.  No one knows how much of any of this was real and accurate. We know stuff happened and we know it was on a world wide scale. We know it is still going on in many places. 

I know many people that have been scared to death, and others that think it is all fake, exaggerated and manufactured. I know we will never know the whole truth. 

I said a long time ago, that I know that things will be different once it is all over, back to some form of normal, but a new one.  

I think we have lost a few things that will be difficult to get back. 

So here we are, ticking off another month.. the months have been going by with out much fanfare. If I didnt have to create reports for work, I would never notice the days going by. I do not think I am getting much accomplished, not as much as I should.. in any part of my life. these past few weeks have been so busy, with schedule changes and total restructuring of how I do my day to day, that I dont think I am managing the time to the fullest. I have lots to do and no time to do any of it. 

Well, I had to make time for the dentist, thanks broken filling. I need to find an eye doctor, thanks to double eye infections this past week.. and then there is my lack of a personal physician.. got to do that.. oh and my car is over due for its yearly service, but what is new there. 

My personal life is about as isolated as it can get. L just added a day to her work schedule. so now we have no days off together. Just trying to make sure we say hello for a few minutes each day. I have been working on radios when I am home and not passed out..but kinda buried in that with a few units that require more technical time than I can spare in continuous sittings.  So, falling behind there. 

I have been making efforts to pay down and not make more bills, and am succeeding slowly. I have been part of a couple back to back information breaches. Even an attempt at the theft of my unemployment benefits. Nothing was taken from me, it was caught before anything happened. Because of that and the previous and more recent breaches, I have free credit monitoring. The monitoring has allowed me to keep an eye on my credit score.. it has been climbing steadily for the past 2 years. Since I have been paying down moving bills and credit cards, all that is helping drive down the total amount I owe and because of that my score is a hundred points higher than when I moved here. Sure the Pandemic has made it so we could not travel or spend money on travel and not been able to go shopping except for essentials. So, paying the bills instead of making more bills.  

I am just trying to stay busy, there is no shortage of things to do. I need to figure out what to do with my lawn. I had an estimate from a landscaper, the high was $17k the low was $5500.. I dont think I can go that route. So it looks like maybe I will have to plan a few days off and do the work myself.. I wont be able to get it done with 2 days off a week.. so I will have to make plans for that soon. 

I need a sanity vacation, maybe a road trip to no where.. we will see. 

 Welcome to May.. 

R 5/2/2021

  

I guess that is my point... Hello April 2021!

 What does it mean when I say 'I love you'?
In most circumstances, situations.. where the meaning is easily understood.

Then there is me. In my mindset.
Saying I love you , being in love, and loving someone, can be different and expressed very differently.

There are many levels of love as well.

For me, I typically do not 'say' it.
I show it, and mean to say it or mean to show it, most often.

If I have 'said' it to you, I hope the meaning was understood, I hope in the situation it was evident as to the intended meaning.
but, as with all things me, probably not..

For instance, If I just got through spending a great amount of time with you, specifically with you as my focal point, and we are parting, especially parting with no idea if we will see each other again soon or ever..
The "I love you" was my thank you for being you and allowing me to be in your life for this moment..
it was a promise from me, to you that I will value the time we have shared, and truly hope that we can do any bit of it again..
Maybe in the next moment.. next day, or any time frame beyond this one sliver in our existence.
Really it should be an affirmation  of what you should already know.
This one statement is deep. it has real meaning for me. it is never said lightly, or automatically.

There are too many things in life that go unsaid, and many times people never know just exactly how you feel.
Some people say 'I love you' all the time, no idea how deep it goes or if it just something on the surface, soon to be forgotten.
The expression can be very confusing to some, scary to others.
Especially if it was not expected, if it was just supposed to be 'casual', platonic or a simple friendship.

Sometimes it can start as a casual, platonic friendship and the situations change and it becomes more than that, weather intended or not, it can happen.. then what you do with it matters a lot.

So, if you heard me say something like this to you,
First: I meant it.
Second: if you don't know how I meant it, or are surprised, or concerned about it.. I would be happy to try to explain my reason for the expression.
Third: If you thought I said it, but your sure I didn't, but sure I meant to... we need to talk..

Finally, in my life, I never typically said this phrase with out meaning..
That being said, it is something I had thought through before saying..
so.. if it was said, I probably still do.. even if we never talk or see each other anymore, or if we see each other everyday. I never say this without meaning.

I guess that is my point...
R
4/3/21

March 2021

I felt I needed to post something. Lately I have not had any one reason to post my thoughts. It has been more of the same, just getting to the next day, trying to keep up with the routine to give my self a reason to get up the next day. 

I will say I have been sticking to my plans to pay down some of my debt, and not make any major purchases unless needed. So with nothing to buy, and nowhere to go, I have been paying down what I owe. 

The attempt at the theft of my identity, specifically my unemployment claim that I did not make, fortunately failed, and allowed me to put monitoring in place and with that I get alerts when my credit score improves.. so far so good. It has been climbing a little every month. I may need to look at refinancing some of my higher interest loans, because the interest rates are low.  If I could knock a few hundred dollars of my monthly bills, I could make a few of them disappear. I have paid off a few in the past year, and reduced a few to manageable payments.. I may make the 5 year financial plan work, maybe even early. 

Of course, there are things I could buy, maybe a truck, some pricey home improvements to increase the value and function of my home. Or as I am.. just wait a while longer.  We will see. 

Personally, I am still very separated from any friends, I dont visit anyone any more, it just stopped. I dont have daily texts or messages from anyone, just emails from people looking to get stuff fixed. 

That in itself is good, the stuff I an working on has increased, I am fairly busy with that.  The satisfaction of fixing, or improving this stuff, does my brain good. I know I am using the skills I have learned to fix stuff, and most people will pay me a little to do that. The nice thing is it is different from what I do at my work, so it is therapy for me and it does keep my skills sharp. 

My road trip that was postponed from last year, got postponed again to next year..L still does not trust going out to eat or traveling anywhere. So that part of my life is still on hold. Other than a day trip once a week in the car, that is the current extent of my recreational driving. That used to be one of my sanity outlets.. Being able to get in the car and drive to a new destination and see new things. Now I am sticking within a 100mi radius of home base.. sometimes a bit further.. sometimes not at all. 

Tomorrow is my chore day, I already have the laundry done, but I also have some car maintenance to do, if it is a bit warm.. and I should vacuum the house. and of course, I have a couple radios to fix..

 

So I guess not much to say after all..

 

R

 

 

 

2-9-21 talk

TG.

Cannot remember all the terms. 

But today was the day it was mentioned. 

I may not remember. So i noted it. 

R

Sorry if that is the case.. to whom it applies...

 Not starting this post with a title.. 

I am gonna write a bit and see what to call it after. 

I have a few dis-jointed thoughts I have not been able to express. Not really sure why I cant compose them into statements. 

I have had a few things on my mind, but never near a way to jot them down to help me express them. I have lots of time to think about the things that matter to me, but usually it is in my car while I am driving and listening or singing with the radio . Some music reminds me of feelings or thoughts that I realize I want to express, but by the time I sit and try to remember, nothing comes to mind in a coherent manner.

 I realize the current situations do not allow me to think about making new friendships or even renewing or repairing old friendships. I do wish the restrictions were not necessary, but if I look in my past, it really would not matter much, I am just not available to meet new people, or make new friends, I never was. I spent 20 years with my family unit, and did not need to try to expand it much, and I did not.  Prior to that,  I did not take advantage of most opportunities to expand my circle.  I was kinda lost, I know I was lonely much of the time. I had a few friends and only one or two I could really count on.  

As I look back, I know now that I missed many opportunities to make new friendships, I have had some tell me they hoped I would have saw their interest, and they gave up because I didn't notice..they assumed I was not interested.. I was just oblivious.. actually I had such low self-esteem, I didn't think anyone was interested..unless they hit me over the head or threw themselves at me.. (it happened at least twice)..  Every now and then I would take a chance and mention my attractions to someone, and I was always surprised to get a positive response. I always gave any relationship my all and usually fell so hard, it hurt immensely when it was over.  I was never good at casual physical relationships.. I was raised to be serious before intimate.. sometimes casual was all the other person wanted, sometimes all they wanted was intimate.. I remember a few that went their merry way because I was busy trying to build a friendship.. don't get me wrong, I almost always wanted the intimacy, .. I usually did not take the steps to get there fast enough.. or know how to get there without looking like it was all I wanted. I never thought I was handsome enough to even think that was someones attraction to me. Probably why I spent a lot of time working on being a friend first, because if they got to know me, maybe they would want to be physical too.. if not, I at least had a friend.  It worked sometimes.. Of course, those that were looking to take advantage were there too.. If you are nice and gullible enough, you get taken, and sometimes even with your knowledge.. and you accept it, because you would rather let that happen than be alone. Especially if you don't make that many friends, or have the self-esteem to know you could.      

 Here I am many years later, with no skill and now with the restrictions in place, wondering how to get through to the next. So I am doing the same thing over and over, and hoping for something to change, and we all know doing the same thing, will not bring new results. I guess I am biding my time.. getting to the next day.. like all of us. 

 I guess part of the reason for this post is, lately every time I feel I get close to someone, something changes, and I wonder why. I feel I am very consistent in my ways, so not like there are any surprises after you spend time with me. I may be wrong, probably am, but either no one wants to tell me why or they just expected me to become something different that how I started and didn't. I guess it can be the over all perceptions.. and how you look at me can change.  

I am just a regular guy, sometimes I get stressed about things out of my control and often will react to simple situations under that stress and appear to make a big deal over nothing.. If you ask why I was so intense, I won't know why.. That I am sure is due to stresses having nothing to do with you.. just a buildup of personal frustrations that vent at the wrong time.  Not an excuse just an explanation.. I am usually a calm and reserved guy.. but I know I can be intense.

I realized while writing this, that I do not get many chances to express my feelings.. happy, sad,  passionate or satisfied in appropriate circumstances.. these get bottled up, or filed away.. and I find, will spill out with triggers sometimes.. not always when they should. I have been told when that happens, sometimes it is scary, usually it is unexpected. 

Maybe one of the reasons.. Sorry if that is the case.. to whom it applies...

(there is the title of this post)

R 1/9/21

Hello 2021..

 Ok, with the current state of things here in the US, I have no comments I want to post. 

Everyone, think. Be careful. Be safe.

I am well, so far.. I was asked on Saturday to change shifts on Sunday and work on Monday night. 

All good, no problem. I would not find out the the reason why, or even have thought on those lines, till the Tuesday, my only day off this week. 

Apparently someone who works in a different part of the building, and isolated area, is out due to a positive Covid19 test. So that department, where some have the ability to work from home is down 1 person, and one of their co-workers is home on 14 day quarantine, pending the results of a test. This all happened the week of Christmas.. I was out on Vacation.. 

BUT.. 

One of my co-workers, that sits right behind me, 6 feet or so.. who none the less is very cautious, and nervous about the virus, was working as fill-in on Christmas Day in the infected persons area, and also spent more than 30 minutes in the room with the infected person on one of the days they worked, before testing positive. My co-worker was out on vacation the next 5 days after I got back to work. We did work the same shift that Thursday and Friday.. we worked on a couple things together...This person was scheduled off Saturday and Sunday..Saturday when they were contacted about the other persons Positive test, they were informed to stay out for another 5 days to finish a 14 day quarantine.  ? .. I was not contacted.. except to cover the shifts... Now it is Wednesday.. and my co-worker is back, and healthy.. they did not have a test done.. I am healthy as well.. 

BUT..

It would have been nice to know, beforehand... so if I chose to get tested, I could have.. instead, I read a bunch of emails from the infected persons co-workers complaining that they were also not notified, other than those that could work from home, to do so....

I understand the Health Care laws that are in place to  protect your data and privacy, keep you from being fired for being sick and such.. but in the midst of a Pandemic, you would think, to reduce the possibility of spread or an outbreak, that they would be more cautious with our health and right to know, than whether they are going to be sued because someone told the company they cant come in because they tested positive.. and maybe you should warn the people they have been in contact with and the people they have been in contact with...

...

I had a personal thought, unrelated to the rest of this, but it is no longer near my fingers .. so I dont think it will make it to the keyboard.

...

R 1/6/21