Sorry if that is the case.. to whom it applies...

 Not starting this post with a title.. 

I am gonna write a bit and see what to call it after. 

I have a few dis-jointed thoughts I have not been able to express. Not really sure why I cant compose them into statements. 

I have had a few things on my mind, but never near a way to jot them down to help me express them. I have lots of time to think about the things that matter to me, but usually it is in my car while I am driving and listening or singing with the radio . Some music reminds me of feelings or thoughts that I realize I want to express, but by the time I sit and try to remember, nothing comes to mind in a coherent manner.

 I realize the current situations do not allow me to think about making new friendships or even renewing or repairing old friendships. I do wish the restrictions were not necessary, but if I look in my past, it really would not matter much, I am just not available to meet new people, or make new friends, I never was. I spent 20 years with my family unit, and did not need to try to expand it much, and I did not.  Prior to that,  I did not take advantage of most opportunities to expand my circle.  I was kinda lost, I know I was lonely much of the time. I had a few friends and only one or two I could really count on.  

As I look back, I know now that I missed many opportunities to make new friendships, I have had some tell me they hoped I would have saw their interest, and they gave up because I didn't notice..they assumed I was not interested.. I was just oblivious.. actually I had such low self-esteem, I didn't think anyone was interested..unless they hit me over the head or threw themselves at me.. (it happened at least twice)..  Every now and then I would take a chance and mention my attractions to someone, and I was always surprised to get a positive response. I always gave any relationship my all and usually fell so hard, it hurt immensely when it was over.  I was never good at casual physical relationships.. I was raised to be serious before intimate.. sometimes casual was all the other person wanted, sometimes all they wanted was intimate.. I remember a few that went their merry way because I was busy trying to build a friendship.. don't get me wrong, I almost always wanted the intimacy, .. I usually did not take the steps to get there fast enough.. or know how to get there without looking like it was all I wanted. I never thought I was handsome enough to even think that was someones attraction to me. Probably why I spent a lot of time working on being a friend first, because if they got to know me, maybe they would want to be physical too.. if not, I at least had a friend.  It worked sometimes.. Of course, those that were looking to take advantage were there too.. If you are nice and gullible enough, you get taken, and sometimes even with your knowledge.. and you accept it, because you would rather let that happen than be alone. Especially if you don't make that many friends, or have the self-esteem to know you could.      

 Here I am many years later, with no skill and now with the restrictions in place, wondering how to get through to the next. So I am doing the same thing over and over, and hoping for something to change, and we all know doing the same thing, will not bring new results. I guess I am biding my time.. getting to the next day.. like all of us. 

 I guess part of the reason for this post is, lately every time I feel I get close to someone, something changes, and I wonder why. I feel I am very consistent in my ways, so not like there are any surprises after you spend time with me. I may be wrong, probably am, but either no one wants to tell me why or they just expected me to become something different that how I started and didn't. I guess it can be the over all perceptions.. and how you look at me can change.  

I am just a regular guy, sometimes I get stressed about things out of my control and often will react to simple situations under that stress and appear to make a big deal over nothing.. If you ask why I was so intense, I won't know why.. That I am sure is due to stresses having nothing to do with you.. just a buildup of personal frustrations that vent at the wrong time.  Not an excuse just an explanation.. I am usually a calm and reserved guy.. but I know I can be intense.

I realized while writing this, that I do not get many chances to express my feelings.. happy, sad,  passionate or satisfied in appropriate circumstances.. these get bottled up, or filed away.. and I find, will spill out with triggers sometimes.. not always when they should. I have been told when that happens, sometimes it is scary, usually it is unexpected. 

Maybe one of the reasons.. Sorry if that is the case.. to whom it applies...

(there is the title of this post)

R 1/9/21