Mondays..

This is my Saturday, My weekend, Monday and Tuesday are my days off.
It has been this way since September. I usually get a few things done, fortunately most things are accessible, til lately, but it has been a learning curve all along.
Now it is warm most of the day, if the sun is out and not raining, so that limits some of my outdoor chores. There are always things to get done. My current dilema is my back yard, it did not come back after the winter. Not sure why. Not sure how much I should do. I could just let it be, keep pulling the weeds, and reseed in the fall.
Maybe rent a tiller and dig it all up and roll it out and seed it or maybe even sod it.. then of course I will have to tend and mow it.
I could pay someone to do all that, but not sure if I should spend money on it just yet.

I am not sure what I am saving my money for, but I am trying to save more than spend. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

We live in uncertain times. Kind of an understatement these days.

So here it is Monday, I am sitting on the deck having a late breakfast, I went out and did my grocery shopping for the week earlier, came home and paid bills, then made something to eat.
The sun is out and there is a light breeze.
I am trying to decide what I should do today.
I could work on the car, it needs an oil change,
I could rearrange the garage, I need to move the old engine, maybe get a stand and organize so I can start rebuilding it.
I could update my radio workbench, I want to add another half to the hutch and rearrange so I can get all the equipment hooked up properly.

I could just get in the car and go for a drive, L went to sleep after work, and has the night off.. she wont be awake till dinner, maybe..
I could start with a ride to the car wash, and maybe the part store for some oil and a filter.
At least have the stuff on hand if I get that ambitious.. It does need to be done..
The dealer is booked two weeks out every time I look and never available on Monday or Tuesdays..
So I will have to get it done myself and schedule the vehicle checkup for later.

I have noticed lately, my mind has not been on the things at hand, I have been forgetting to do things, not doing things as properly as I should.  I have been grumpy more, the slightest thing makes me angry or annoys me.
I have had little reasons to smile, and no sense of accomplishment. The things I get done are because I have to.. no satisfaction.

I think I am losing ... hope..
I had found a few things in the past year, things that really made me happy, made me smile, gave me something to try to plan for.. then, time and circumstances happened and now.. it all seems dim.
I cannot plan, I didn’t before because there was always the disappointment looming ahead, and I chose to try not to end up disappointed.  Now I feel I cannot plan, because I don’t know when it is safe to start trying.

My support system is totally gone. I have no one. I am still responsible for L, and need to be strong and supportive for her, But I am doing that alone too.

I am starting to feel all that weight, that I used to handle.
I don’t have any real escape, no outlet for my frustrations.  Little or no satisfaction from the radio work, lately I have been making mistakes there and letting people down.
I am doubting my knowledge and skills, thinking I am messing it all up.
My tools are not adequate for me to do what I have been doing for years.

I have been questioning if I can do that any more.


Well i have to do something..

i think it is time for a drive.. I need to clear my head..

R

Phase 2...

Here it is June 2020.
Tomorrow starts the Phase 2 re-opening  process.
Hotels, restaurants and some retail.

We still have protests.. less riots.. Summer is coming and there is no where to go.

Too many of us have been locked down in our homes or in our small circles.
Some have been able to work though this, but after the work week is done, there is zero opportunity for stress relief. Mostly isolation and trying to find things to do.
Being alone or alone with the same people does not help.

I feel for those that have not been able to go to work for the past few months.. I am sure they have serious cabin fever or stress, adding to the fact that they have had little or no money coming in..
I can see why they are joining any rally to protest or even riot, just to burn off all the excess energy or frustrations..

That being noted.. who am I to complain that I have to go to work, get paid , and be alone when I am not working.. ??
A different stress.. it still must be handled... managed..

It has been more than 6 months since i have gone anywhere.. Plans that were made are now more than postponed or cancelled, they are obliterated.
I have no where to go, no one to see..
I want to go.. anywhere, but where..
it is just too soon.
will it ever be the time again?
I think I may have just ended up.. in this place.. this frame of mind..
because it will never be the same , never be better than  what I have right now.

sad.

If it gets any worse, I am not sure what to do.. If the changes stay the way they are.. or only change back a little, I think we are in for a rough few years..
My past 6 months have changed.. my attitude, and ambition is very different than 3 months ago.. and I am seeing many mistakes..
Some I can fix, some not.. I know there are some I have not even noticed yet..

I have no adults near my age or mentality to confide in.. I did... but they are out of reach or gone, or on the other side of that burned bridge..
or trapped in a place that has little or no steady contact.

Summer is nearly here.. and the country is in a grip of this post pandemic/protesting/craze..
No where safe to go or be beside right at home.

Well, I will keep plugging away.. work when I can, get my chores done when I dont work... See if I can find a friend to listen..converse with.. listen to..

Hope for change, and some form of normal..

be safe..

R

I am....

I am a pest.
I can be annoying.
I don’t give up easily.
I am varied but selective in my choices.
I am often wrong.
I can be persistent.
I doubt my choices often.

When I get to this place.. where I doubt everything I thought I knew..
I find it is a sticky place.. I get stuck waiting to see if I am wrong yet again..
You know, wrong that I am wrong..
Wrong that I misinterpreted that I misinterpreted something..
I usually hope that I am wron that I am wrong..

I don’t want to be wrong, especially twice.. about the same thing..
More often than not, I end up being wrong ... somewhere..

I do get into those places that everything is right for me..the key part of that phrase is ‘for me’..
When I am there, I don’t want to be anywhere else. I usually will do all I can to stay there.
I will be persistent, and pesky, and sweet and loving, and I am so sure, very annoying.
Which in it self can be felt as sweet.. until it is not.

Then all the rest slides into place and I become wrong.
It is when I start to notice that i am wrong, that I panic.. and I usually make it worse..

It becomes a place where I need to figure out if I have any chance of saving any part, or if I am wrong about being wrong, and it is all in my head.

Sometimes it is..sometimes not.
Usually anything I do only makes the situation worse and I start to wonder if i should pull away and see if anything pulls back.. If not, I wait..
‘the waiting is the hardest part’... because all the rest of the doubts and stress comes with it.
I could never be a game player, because I would not know when it was time to bluff or put all the cards on the table. I end up panicking, and try to save the drowning man..or give up and sink into the depths.. until I have made a choice which way I should handle it, I usually only make it worse.. and do too much or too little of the wrong thing..

In my world there usually isn’t an good place for long.. unless it is all in my head.

I am really too old to be needing to worry about where I am in this life..
I feel i was always too old for that, and wanted to just live it with as little stress and help those around me to be stress free too.. especially those that chose to be around me, that I did not have to beg to be there, or were forced to be in my life, by some choice eithe I made or them.

Yet, here I am.. I am me.. and still .. as always, alone.

Thankfully, with careful effort, I have filled my life with things I need to do, things i want to do, everyday. If I don’t take too much time to sit and ponder my situation, view it from a way away, it looks pretty good.

I don’t have crushing debt, I have a place to sleep, I have a job, and food to eat.
it could be a lot worse.
So pardon me for complaining..but a this point in my life..hell, any point in my life, I thought it would be much different.. so far it has not lived up to any expectation i have ever had.
Not that I have not tried to make my life better, oh I have tried, and in most cases succedded . I won’t say that I am unhappy, just disappointed .

The device I am entering this on is acting up so I will end this thought here..

I miss you.

R