Tomorrow. .

Wow! What a long couple weeks..
Early long days..
Late days and longer..
Many 15 hour evenings..
18 innings.. started at 2pm.. till 5am.. then again.
Yep.. all but travel paid..but endless long days..
Thanks Red Socks for not dragging it out for 7 games.

So.. tomorrow. . Meet at 8 to walk through..then off to sign and pay.. empty my bank account..and have a home.. a few more days..to collect and gather and begin setup.. it has been a long 8 weeks..
I will be busy for the next few ..settling in.. getting what I need to make my home mine..
Then work..work and isolation.
I must plan a few holiday road trips..since no reason to be home..
I will move the car and engine and spend time putting the two into one.. close that chapter.. then it is on!
I have some vacation time to use..and a little cash..
Lets see..
Or I could just keep working..and spend whats left on making home where I want to be.. and plan for next year.
Plan..

I need to find a comfortable mental place..
Where I can setup my library.. and read..
Tinker with my electronics and radios.. and
Forget about ISTBA .. and just remember I want to be here.

Winter is around the bend..and it is so different from what I am used to..

I need to worry about my worth at work.. be aware of what I need to be doing.. and step up and do all I can..
Work late..volunteer for shifts.. go above.. and make myself valuable. . Don't mess up.

I have a long road.. I hope it lasts..


All said.. I did this life change..to make improvements to my situation.. I can be alone anywhere..I hope L will move forward and find her place.. my challenge is to help make that happen.

Many see her..stature and assume she is a kid.. naive. . Innocent..
But she sees all.. learns..and adjusts her persona to fit your perception.. she is intelligent and has experienced more than she shows.. she will be quiet and see what you expect of her..and rise or lower to that expectation..and observe.. she hates confrontation.. and reverts to innocence. .
She is calculating..and observant..
For her own protection..
But we see a hiding child..
As she wants us to..

I see that protection..
Shying away from confrontation..arguments.. and grief.

She adults when we let her.. I find that hard to do..
My fault.. but..

This time tomorrow. . I will have my time frame for the end of my transient period.
I will not have internet or phone for a week..and will need to shop for missing furniture. . And all that comes with a new home..
Heck I need a bed!

Then.. I should find a life.. one for me..

R 10/29/18

posted from Bloggeroid

Getting closer.. but to what??

In essence... not a thing..
Not closer to anyone..or anything..
Work is further.. food..groceries..entertainment..all further..
Friends.. they could be on a different planet and be closer.
I dont start over well..
I can disappear easy enough..
If I stop.. insterting myself into peoples lives.. I become transparent.. what used to work for me..is so out dated.. and lame.. nothing compares.
I have work.. soon I will have a place to be my reason to work..

Work has taken full advantage of my not having any other life..
I was expected to work till whenever on a day I normally arrive at 5am.. I ended up staying till 6:30p.. then drove 2 1/2 hours to get home.. yes I got paid to work 12.5 hours.. and yes I got to eat my first meal of the day at 7:30pm...
But I have a job..and somewhere to go each day..

I chose this..
Here I am a nobody.. I have noone.. I have been no where..
I soon will sever the last tie I have.. and be alone in the woods..
I didnt plan for it..but this is where I am.

No one calls..no one texts. Emails..
I dont have many I can go see.. my own family treats me as if I am still 2000 miles away..

All my fault..
I should have been one of the sheep.. stay in the fold..close to home..forget following my heart..or head..
Doing anything for me..
I was wrong.. still am...wrong.

I have been mistaken for someone I cannot be.. wasn never trying to be. I was accused of expecting things be done..but never even thought that way.. I have been pushed into positions I never wanted to be in.. yes I reacted..and badly.. because I didnt expect to be treated that way..even if it was to prove a point..
If you test me..I will fail.. if you trust me..I will succeed.
I can rise to expectations..I will mess it up if you doubt my integrity.
It is not that I cant.. I just dont test well..
I can surprise you or anyone .. if you show that I am needed..
But try to test if I am worthy.. I am not.
I am human.. I justify everything I do.. I will never be perfect.. I will never be who you thought was perfect.. I am not him..nor do I want to try to be..
I am just me.

Have I not proved that???
More than once..

Yes, I am not worthy..

No reason to make me suffer..
So many have done just that..
Made it impossible to be me.
I just cant be anyone else..
No big surprize there.. at least it should not be.. but for some reason ... it is..

So..I will collect my things and go home.. in the woods.. and disappear.

I say this as I sit.. here..surrounded by strange people.. invisible..
Nothing new or different.. same situation.. different location..
I guess I will survive..

Finalize the things I must.. move the stuff.. finish the tasks..

Just pay the bills.

It must be time..

10 days to sign.. stop being a transient..
Probably 15 to start unloading and setting up .. my new place.
Where I belong.. away from everything..and everyone.

I bet I am still seen as a liar.. a cheat..a creep..and what ever else was misconstrued. .

It wont be much different than any other time..

I need to find ISTBA..

R 10/22/18

posted from Bloggeroid

Getting to be Fall

Yes..the hight temp this week will be 65.. last week it was 80 on Wednesday. . Then rain and cold.. Autumn has come. Probably no mor warm days .. I still havent worked on the engine or moved the car.. looks like I will have to wait till I can get it in MY garage..
So a few more weeks... I have priced rental trucks and searched for tow companies. . I need to visit AAA.. but I think it is gonna cost me ..go figure..

I heard my former assistant quit.. he was having trouble adjusting to the stresses of work after his wife died.. he needs to take care of his son.. and himself..

Work is going and staying busy.. the motel is bearable..but I cannot wait to be in my own home.. away from noisy neighbors that come home at 10 and slam doors and talk loud slam things.. just be annoying.

Not much else can be done. I need to find my schedule.. a routine..
I was getting up at 3 and driving to work at 4 to start at 5am.. traffic was light.. but after 16days of that.. I am back to leaving at 5 to start at 6am.. and I hit the merging traffic at the end of one hwy..making the end of the day later..and adding in the evening traffic..so the drive home is that much longer.. and by the time I get home..all I want to do is eat and sleep..

I know... blah blah blah...
But that is all I have.. nothing else going on..
Drive.. work..drive..eat..sleep...repeat..
I dont have reliable internet at the motel..so I can not social..ize..
I watch a bit of tv and pass out on the couch to get up to go to bed..
If I am not grocery shopping..cooking or doing laundry..
Blah..blah..

I have no one to chat with.. no one to vent to..
I have L but..there is only so much we can talk about.. she is doing little..stalled by the RMV..still waiting..
Then it will be stalled by the car.. waiting on me..
I have no friends offering help..or even that I can ask for help or support.. i am here.. as I always am.. have been.. me.

I am sure I have destroyed the bridge to companionship..the one i crossed when I got here.. I went down that one way road..and over the next bridge as it was burning.. to become an after thought. I have tried to prove I am still here.. but..I am invisible.. I have to reach.. to show I am still here.. but.. soon to be 8 miles away.. which I know will be farther than 2000..

Sorry.. I am just me.

I will just disappear into the woods.. and be forgotten.

After living close to everything.. for 16years.. I have chosen to live near nothing.. everything will be a drive.. no walking over to the pub..or short drives for Pizza..
I guess subconsciously this was on purpose. . I was accessable..available for so long..and no one cared..
Now I will be out of the way..distant..difficult. . I can hermit..
I can learn from L how to be distant..
Other than work..no one will see me..unless I seek them out..
Nothing changed there.. but..I will not have a place to be alone in the crowd.. I will just be alone.
Nothing changed really.. just more isolated.

Time to start reading my books and growing my library..
Tinker..and repair stuff..become..an old guy..

Realization..
My life.

I have no one else I can piss off..
No one else I can make hate me..
No one else that thinks the worst of any of my good intentions.

Now I see why people leave the country..and just disappear.

I have been accused of playing..I would not know how..
I cant even figure out how to prove them wrong..
I made a choice .. and didnt choose them.. just to show I can make mistakes .. and end up feeling worse..I can revisit..because I hurt them for choosing.. not them..

now I feel like a shit.. i know I chose what I wanted..but now..I am unwanted.. not even considered.. and the choices are not any more.. yes ..still friendly..but reminded often.. I chose wrong..and we all are alone..

And here I am..
I was asked today..why did I choose a motel so far from work? ..
Why did I choose to buy a house so far from work?..
Good questions.. I have no answers..
I made these choices 3 months ago..hoping to be close to something. . That no longer exists..

I made choices..to relocate..and all included..to be pushed out..denied..hurt.. made to feel inadequate.. made to feel wrong for caring.. for..being .. .....
Just to be here..and alone..isolated..forced to change all..
And forced to decide to be where I am.
Make do..
Become an after thought..

I think an after thought is one that comes way after a general consideration. . After..
No longer important. .
Not even considered..unless reminded..

I am used to this from family and friends..
Not...from those I have tried so hard to be with..
Just .. not.

It hurts..

I know there is nothing I can do..
Once a mind is made up..
Once you..think something. .you look..and find anything to justify..
And it is always there.. little things that were minor become major..
Things you would normally forgive..and forget..become creepy and a deal breaker.. you find things you did out of condieration..you do t anymore.. they dont matter that much..because I am me..deal with it.. you stop being nice.. considerate.. you find ways to make them question why..

They finally react..or reason that they must .. change the situation.. and then it is their fault..

Justified!!!

And it ends..

They could walk away.. not look back.
Accept the blame.. accept that anything they do is wrong..
And just hurt.

But..we try .. hope.. wait..
See if there is any way ..
To end up wondering...

Is it me.. ??
Must be..
It has always been me..
(See the previous posts)
All me.

I was not meant to be anything other than what I am...now.

R
10/14/18

posted from Bloggeroid

One project down

I have finished my 15 days of OT. We have about a week or so of..burn in.. but..project done. My boss actually said I could take tomorrow off. .
I will.. because I wont have any problems making 40hours..
So.. I will sleep in.. maybe till 7...lol..

I have a couple chores I need to do.. shopping.. haircut.. a bit of sleep.. maybe dinner.. I need to get some things planned..

I am lonely again..
I thought I had that fixed.. but.. I thought wrong..
You know.. in the end..I just am not that ghost.. I am this guy..me..the one who cares..understands what most do not..
I get stuff most dont..I am forgiving.. and patient. . I care..maybe too much..but one thing time has done is..make me guard my heart a bit more than I used to.. not give so much.. or too much..because..it ends up just destroying me..
Im not too jaded..just slightly cautious..
Yes..I let my guard down and go all in..and usually get burned..
As always..

So..here I am..25 days before I can start feeling normal.. comfortable again..
In my place.. at least a place I can feel is mine.

Phone is dead..
More later.
R 10 9 18

posted from Bloggeroid

That thing I do...

Thinking...

I don't always do it when I should...or about what I should..but I do..many times too much.. most times not enough.

I have been looking back..
I realize I have been repeating a pattern..
Not a good one..
But one that leaves me right where I am now.

Since it is a repeating pattern..I deserve the result..because I could have realized this a long time ago... like when I was 18..
Back when I knew everything....

I have been told a few things.. about my past..things I didnt know.
I had to be told.. I never saw it.. it took 20 years to be told the truth..
And looking back, after I was told.. a lot made sense..but..
I didnt realize the pattern..my behavior..my choices..decisions.. selections.. were a repeating pattern.. the means to my situation..then .. now .. and many in-betweens..

As I look back..I can see the repetition. . The causes..and the results..

The first..
Revealed I was the solution to a situation.. a step..
never came clean..but I was suddenly not..
No explanation..no warning.. just.. bye.
Looking back..I was the escape clause..

Next..
This was one of the hard ones..I fought for five years..to be betrayed..then 2years later to be given a chance..then a year ..or less...once I was comfy..and actually planning.. told I didnt matter and was replaced. Just like that.. goodbye.

Then I took a break..escaped to my friends..ignored everyone else..
Im sure I passed up a few chances.. I know this to be true..at least twice that I saw / realized.... probably more..
Then..out of no where...

I was a solution. .escape for yet another..
I had means.. trust.. and the situation fit the time..
They got out from under mothers watchful eye..and all was good..
Then.. temptation caused her to slip.. and guilt caused an 'out of the blue' goodbye.. and add a bit of undeserved guilt to me..until the truth came out... but that was a months later.. but no way back..because there was really nothing there...

Then.. I met one that kept everyone.. I got caught up..
I was amazed that someone like that would even be interested..
And seemed to truly be interested... but that was who she was.. like a spider..if you got too close..you found yourself in the web..wondering how..wishing she wound come back..but dangling.. she was done and you were trapped.. till you looked around and saw the others..still stuck beside you.. some got free only to get stuck again..if you were not in the center of the web..you got ignored..
You heard the 'vibrations' about who she really was and had to choose to believe..ignore..or figure out the meaning of it all..
But in the end you were discarded...never worthy again.. if at all.

So I chose to befriend unattainables for a while..and poked at the web a few times..to be reminded I will be ignored.. then chose to vacate. .escape to Florida..

Oh .. I found a couple in Florida..that needed someone to use..
One chose me..and I accepted.. it was interesting.. and fine..till she realized I was not like most and refused to use me anymore..didnt want to hurt me .. actually..she said we needed to break up.. because she could love me.. and was not ready for that.
(Sorry if you are still reading these.. you know who you are)
Yeah..I know..you were young..

Then was the one that was just looking for some fun..and found me..
She could not commit..because she had obligations..and I was not established enough to be more than a weekend diversion..

So I turned to banter with a friend..which ended with a visit and actually meeting her roommate..

Yeah..another that was looking for an escape..
Out of her marriage..a safe guy to appease her family so she didnt have to come out... yet..I was blinded..and fell.. created a wonder and once she explained.. we decided to be parents..and friends..
Oh I give her credit..she faked it very well.. we worked it out..raised ours together.. did a good job till it was decided..and seperated..
My only regret..was her total seperation..

I rekindled with an old friend..but realized life had done a lot to us..we were rolling down differnet highways.. and friends is all we will ever be.. it was a mutual decision.. she had forgot a lot about our past...but remembered our connection.. even if she didnt remember why we were connected.

I found another.. she thought I was too good for her... her self esteem would not let her free..so she sabotaged us as often as she could. . Then life and family gave the out..just as she realized I could be... she could not..

The next was unexpected.. someone I had seen..in a common place..needed a friend to escape a bad situation.. I was willing..
I was a bit scared of the redhead..but intrigued..
It was an experience..but..I was..holding back..and she fell..
I was almost what she needed.. but..I got to know what lifestyle she was used to..and no longer had... but wanted again.. not me..I was not going down that financial road.. Then..exes stepped in..and I was not the one..
I did find that she dumped a guy because I was in the same place..and she was realizing..she wanted what I could be..
But..I was what I was..in the beginning my desireable qualities..became the reasons..I was not.. I decided to walk away..
Finally seeing I was not anywhere I wanted to be..

My regular places to visit..changed..and I went somewhere new a few times and met a friend..someone who had been there and was like me..getting out not to be alone.. we clicked with the suggestion of her friend..and we set some rules.. and spent time for about 9 months..but this was a mutual friendship..and one rule..was when your done ...say so..and we will be done. Well.. I closed it.
I was planning on a move..so I ended it as friends.

And here I am.

The overwhelming trend..I pick someone who needs help..I try to help..I fail.. I am never worthy..they are always out of my league..I am always out of my depth..or just oblivious.. they see me..
The deep friendships I think I make.. are usually onesided..and I dont see it until it hurts.
So.. I am alone..and it is my fault.

What I see is if I want to be 'happy'..
It isnt gonna last.. and ultimately my fault.

I know I have a lot to offer..
But as I realized long before any of this..
I am not anything anyone would see as a desire..
Im average.. and invisible. Sometimes I get lucky..and someone sees me..
Even if its to take advantage..
I matter for a minute..

But.. in the end..
I have to defend me..
Make / let someone see .. me..
And accept.. the me..is just me.

I cannot be a hermit..but it would be less painful.

I have moved another 2000 miles..to try not to be so isolated..
But.. I don't think it worked.. I was here less than 90 days..and my world completely changed..

Now I am back to..making the best decisions for me..and mine..

It is really not where I wanted to be.

R 10/7/18..edited ..and again 10/13/18
For clarity.

posted from Bloggeroid

October 2018

4 weeks to go.
Money saved is all gone. Everything has its place. I should bave enough to pay the closing.
I have to charge a few bucks to hire a tow company or rent a truck and trailer to move the car.
I asked my friend if he was still available to help move the engine from the shippers to the car.. I got two one word answers and nothing more..none were ok or yes.
So I guess I am on my own.. well that is what credit cards are for.. I will need to rent a truck and drive up and back ..and maybe buy a hoist so I can move it by myself..
I have not seen my brother..had a couple text conversations.. but thats it..
Been working the last 15 days with no time off. Tomorrow I have to adjust my schedule to 2p to 10p. .and add travel... then turn around and get up at 3:30a to get to work at 5a on Friday.
Not sure about Saturday. .another 10 hr day or the standard 8 hours plus early morning travel.

Maybe the overtime will cover the room rent costs.. gonna be 8 weeks rent.. since it looks like the first Monday in November..at the earliest.

I did get the last preliminary document in and heard from the bank today..I am approved.
But no bed..no couch..no dressers. I have a 4 stand lamps in the POD.. and 2 desk lights.. so probably will need to buy some lamps.
That is the minimum.. hopefully the OT holds for a few more weeks..

L was excited to apply for tbe job..and would have it if her license didnt get delayed.. she has to wait..and in a month I will need to finish the car else she wont have any way to get to work... so I see a couple really long days in my future..if I can.. get all moved..

Everything else is null.. I have been walking around with fuel soaked shoes and lit matches falling out of my pockets.. and the bridges are burning...so is the road.
I have been reading through my text messages from the past month..
I have had everything and everyone mad at me..either by not doing something..doing something..or total mistaken identity.. yet still my fault. Because the timing was just wrong.
At least with being so busy and having such long days..I am too wiped out to talk with anyone.. so I cant say the wrong thing..
I did have to cancel a 'date' I made a month back because I didnt realize I would be working 10 hour days starting at 5am.. 7 days a week..including weekends.. so no way I was gonna drive to hyannis and see a show and make it home to go to work at 4a after starting my day at 4a..
Its ok just a other friend that wont give me the time of day anymore.
They just think they dont matter much to me..

Which isnt the case. That is why I moved back..to have friends..to not be a loner that just works all the time.. but I guess I do t k ow how to be a friend ..maybe I never did.
I can't seem to find those I thought were my friends.. and those that were .. I messed that up.. just slowly got worse and worse..till I tried to fix it..and it wasnt slow anymore.. bam! .. done.

I thought .. if you cared..you found a way to fix it if it broke.. not find every possible reason to let it go.
Yes..major screw-ups..stuff that gets done..is hard to get past..
But..I have found..those things they find attractive..become the same ones they despise..
If you are a dedicated worker..pay your bills and put your kid above all..
Ends up..you work too much and are ignoring everyone else...

So ..I guess I should go back in to hibernation.. simple hi.. how are you.. and work on finding a better balance between working all the time and building a place for me.

The problem..is I am just me.. alone.
Fortunately..my kid decided to stay my kid..and stay with me..
But.. I still have to fight for her time..

I guess.. I can be alone.. anywhere.
I dont need to sell everything and move 2000 miles..

Funny.. I just heard my old assistant quit today..
Maybe I can move back and work for them..

Lol

No.. I need to stay here.

No one wants me there either..

Or cares..

Yet.. I wont have my 3 or even my 2 criteria.. here.. just work.
And those bills I create to give me purpose.
The more I condense into a day to day routine.. the less I feel the pain.. easier to ignore.

If I can get L help and able to stand on her own.. I can step back and disappear..

Maybe find ...

Or look for work alternatives..

'You can't go back..'
'Don't go for the money'
'Are you sure you are doing this for the right reason?'

I was very happy..

Ive been in limbo for this long.. more wont matter.
No one but me cares...

I need to give up ...
Stop trying..
If it happens..it happens.
Probably not..
So .. here I am..

Yep.. it is October 2018...

You know.. I got this far..
I know I have been overlooked.. ignored...deemed not worthy..
Yet.. I tried..a few times..
Yet here I am..

R 10/3/18

posted from Bloggeroid