end of August

Im here. Wondering.. 

I wont know.  

Im really not sure if I want to know.

Im sad. But if it ends her grief, who am I to wish her to stay. I am not that selfish to wish more stress or pain on a friend. It hurts to know it is not something I can fix. 

...

The rest.. is minimal to present..

But, I need to vent.. it is my way to cope and continue..

..

Im back to the 'mode'.. just working till I cant.. most times I dont feel old..

I still do what I must..and hate to be bored. Yes, there is plenty to do..but I pick and choose..unless I get ambition..and get lots done. 

.. but.. I take time.. just for me.. 

Sleep when I can.. alone ..except for the cat..on occasion.. get up early on work days..try to sleep late on the weekends..yeah. . mostly 8am.. sometimes 10.. 

Yeah..late..

..

My 'schedule' is flexible..but constant..

4 day ten hours work weeks.. 3 day weekends. ..  groceries laundry and out to dinner on Saturdays.. walking The canal on Mondays .. attempts at fasting ..

But it repeats..

Has been repeating..

I have (sometimes) Thursdays for dinner at the bar.. and (sometimes) drinks at the bar on Saturdays..

Maybe Sundays..just me.. just to not have to be home ..by myself.

(Yeah there others home..but if the cat isnt sleeping..he is the only interaction I get.).

So , if I have no pending tasks..Im trying to stay busy..

..

Yes, I clean, do dishes, cook.. and do house and car maintenance.. yard work.. but..

...I have only my satisfaction. 

And. 

Im still incomplete..alone.

Ok..I am done lamenting..

R

goodbye to a friend

Ok..I have to do this .

Goodbye.

I am trying to come to grip with this.

My friend explained to me, that she is done with this life. She is selling everything and giving the rest away.

She is surrendering. Giving up. Or giving in.

She has struggled with anxiety and detachment for decades. Failed relationships and jobs, friendships. Her mindset changes minute to minute.. she puts on a good front to those who dont know. And has been getting by.. but she is done. 

She never hinted at it when I visited..she seemed happy and content.. she even agreed to be my girl when I was in town..

Pinky sweared! 

But , after I left. .. she explained ..with out saying..that she was going to take her life.. I have figured her date is by the end of the month.

No new bills.. 

Her other friends are aware.  She mentioned that she was visited by the local police every day this past week. Everyone is concerned.. as am I..

But, she will or will not..but no one will prevent her from her exit.

If she chooses to do it. 

..

Me, personally ..will miss her. Knowing she is gone, will make me sad.  I am stressed about knowing and knowing, I cannot do anything about this wonderful person's decision..

.. 

It has made for a convoluted mental state these past 3 weeks or so..

..

But as always.  Life continues..I will keep on.. 

The world will keep spinning.. 

I hope to remember her for a long time.

I will miss her.. I know I have said this.  I will.

..

I can only hope she has a epiphany..and just makes a change..and keeps on..

.. one can wish.

R

tough week

Had a long week. 

I was asked to work a double..and stayed late the day before .. it was unclear if I was coming in late or just working a double shift.. so I started at the regular time. Turns out, I was not needed to work late and went home after an hour an a half after mt regular shift.

 The scheduled trainining never happened, no one stayed for it..

But the night before we had a internet outage caused by corporates mistake and lost connections to the remote site.

So I ended up staying two hours.. then the next couple days each had late endings.

As well as stressful minutes of troubleshooting and repairs. 

I did get the recycle loaded and delivered.  Made the company $5300

There is still a few thousand left to be scrapped..but it will require a bunch of hours of cutting and sorting.. 

...

Paid the trip tolls and violation today..

And the house bills through the first week of September.

..

I have had no contact.. 

And dont expect any..

..

The underlying thought is always there. 

Expect nothing..you will never be disappointed.

I give people too much credit sometimes.  I expect people to act or react the same way I would..

'Do on to others'

And all that... 

But it has been my experience, that no one thinks the way I do.

..

I am probably wrong .. the way I think and interpret my beliefs..

I have proven time and time again, that no one thinks like me.. I am alone.. and probably will be for the duration.. 

I have made exceptions, pressing the round peg into the square hole.. it sort of fits.. but it becomes uncomfortable for them and they squirm and wiggle through.. and drop out.

No, I dont think Im unique..just not like everyone else.. I dont.. never have..fit in..and at this time in my place.. I wont have many or any chances to...

I need to forge ahead..find the things I can enjoy and forget about a 'happy' more than friendship..

It wont happen..it may have..but I may have been dreaming that it ever did..Im sure not on my terms.. 

Too many compromises.. allowances..and in the end it just never was meant to last..

..

I wont give up..but I just will stop trying.. it only brings pain and lonley..

.

Then leaves me wondering why..

.

If someone would be kind enough to sit me down and explain what I did or didnt do..or what they were expecting..and where I fell short..or where they lost interest.. or what they realized that made them pull away or give up.

Yeah, I dont think I am always at fault..but.. it always feels that way.

It just hurts to think about it..

It is worse for it to just end..and from where I see..for no reason.

..

I will never know. At least never in time to fix it.

..

So, I should give up.

..

I am ..this close to being free..of the requirement of the 9 to 7..

(Yeah 9-5 for the rest) ..

Im planning on putting in my time and walk.. 

If I have to do that by myself.. I will..and I will find a way to be happy about it.

...

R

plumbing :(

I spent all day working on my leak in my shower.. it has been leaking.. 

First i bought the wrong replacement cartidges.. returned them. Bought thr right ones.. and the right tool.. but could only do half.. could not get the seats out.. still drips.. and i broke a lever.  Bought a replacement lever.. dont fit... So tomorrow, i will replace the whole cover..it comes with a lever.. and its $20 more.  And it will be new..not 30 yrs old. 

..

Just met a group of young girls.. 

Invited me over to chat.

It was interesting. 

Makes a guy wonder..

..

All in good fun..

..

Time to go..

R

mid month

It has been a week.  It started with no successes. Lots of work but no satisfaction.  We had some network installs at the transmitter, and I found a possible issue with the main transmitter.

I ordered a replacement part and worked on that pesky satellite antenna. 

The next day I got a call, before work, from the customer service.. 

He said it may not be the part I needed..it may be an interface board.. and that I should call him when I get on site.

After some troubleshooting, I got him on the phone, and he suggested a hot reset.. a simple button press..done! He did verify that there is a replacement fan kit.. and I will be ordering them.. I may need 96 of them!! Lots of noisy fans...

..

My friend, has contacted me a couple times..so she is still with us..for now..

She offered to sell me her car..so she can pay some bills..I mentioned we had openings for SEs.. she said..Im never working for commission any more...

But.. I think she has a date.. the end of the month.

I have nothing more I can say..

I hope she does not..

But , she has been planning it .. apparently for a while..

I dont think anything I could say will change her mind.

I will miss her..

Its a sad thing.

..

I dont have much else happening..

I am radio light right now..so I have been fixing things I have been putting off ..around the house..

I did the front brakes on my car..

And bought new headlights for Revington..they came in but didnt work right..so im returning them.

I will need to look for another brand.

I looked at walmart..$100!! 

So, the ali Express ones are a better choice..for now...

..

I totally messed up the fasting..

Yesterday was not on any schedule.

Today was better..I think I got 11hours. .

..

Nobody wanted me when I was thin 

.so I dont think it matters..

R

attempts

I was finally getting settled into the fasting..I got a day and half.. then today..I skipped breakfast, last intake was 10:30p.. so I got to work and had not even sipped my coffee. 9:00a, busy so I think I did have some.. so 11 hrs.. then busy till 10.. only water .. then by 1:00p someone bought me lunch.. so I ate.  Almost 12 hrs with the coffee cheat.. ate a big dinner..and will reset tonight. 

Fridays are a late work day.. I plan on getting up by 8.. run some errands and make some dinner for L&J for later.. then head off to work.. 

I will have to see if I can get through the night.

..

I dont have any projects scheduled for Saturday. Just groceries. Maybe the car speedo for Pearl..which means dismantling the parts car.. first.. then Pearl.. 

..

I could deliver the unfixed radio..

Then down Cape for dinner.

..

I got a message to call a Chief Eng..of the competition.. he wanted to know if I wanted to talk with him about an opening he has..I told him I was all set for now.

He said if my situation changes to let him know.

Nice to know, I may have an exit if this goes sour.

...

I have not contacted my friend about her white flag. I hope she finds a bit to keep on..and not surrender. 

..

Im in a weird place.. I think it may be settling back in after the road trip.

It was a cleansing experience..

Im still riding some of that.

Not much is bothering me .. which is good.. why I needed to do the whole thing.. it is worth all it cost.

..

I have not rushed back to social media..I miss it a little..less every day.

No one is looking for me..so I think it has out lived its purpose.

..

Im me

R

summer weekends

Yeah, a far cry from what they used to be. I tried to sleep in.. 

A double text from fed ex..telling me I have a package to be delivered tomorrow!! The text was at 8am! 

Then another before 10. Yes I was still asleep.. so I got up, did the morning routine..got coffee, and spent the next 2 hours fixing my check book.. still processing the trip receipts.. still have a $70 discrepancy.. but next month I should be able to straighten it out.

I did a temporary fix to the furnace..and my laundry is done..

So I went back to the radio on the bench.. the sender measaged me with an addition.. and a couple informational querys.  It was a simple $40 intergration.. and I spent the rest of the day finishing it. 

I just sent him the invoice and work record. 

Easy enough.

I had another inquiry..and sent him the 2 replies to get him straight..

..

I finished and shut down.

My friend has posted a white flag..

Surrender..

Giving up.

Wish I could do something..

...

So.. Monday I have no early plans.. but I will go for a walk. Maybe I could get the kayak out.. do the pond.. get some upper body first..

Then swim.. before the hike.

Make the rest of the muscles hurt..

...

If the weather is mild.. I could dismantle the dash of the spare car and take out the big speedo for Pearl.. and the top of the dash for Revington.

..the parts I ordred for Betty should be in tomorrow too.. I may be doing brakes ...

..

Or  just not..

.. 

Maybe I will get motivated..

Or I could always clean the house....

..

I am just me..

I have no one to impress..just me.

My satisfaction is my only reward.

..

I have a few financial hurtles to complete in the next few months..

I need to loose the trip weight..

To get back.. then figure out if I can drop somemore before fall.

It just takes a plan and some decision on my part.. 

Just because I should.

..

Then.. maybe rework my mind around my age..

R

thoughts for a friend

The title is all I can say, for now.

I am thinking of your well being.

Hoping against hope. 

Its an awkward place.. I am quite torn. But..I can do little more than I did. 

...

Its the weekend.  Work kinda sucked this week. I did not think I was able to complete any task. I did start acouple.. Sunday I did finish the directors office.. so thats one thing.

But .  The Antenna issue is still a thorn.. the doorbell camera is still in process.  I did the most difficult part last night.  

The remote site projects are waiting on call backs and the fuel tank issue as well. 

I need to spend some time cutting brass and copper.. that is coming quick..and I have more TVs to mount.

...

Nothing heard from up north.. 

Again, I dont expect any different.

She must have forgot me, or has a reason to not like me anymore.

I dont know.

.. 

I still have vehicle issues. AC in Betty..the brakes are on their way..

I need to dismantle the speedometer in the parts car..and swap out the one in Pearl.. and the dash top in Revington.. waiting for a few cooler days..

..

Still not sure how much I spent on the trip..

Its a bit.. for sure.

.. 

I feel I need to make a change..

A change in attitude.. method.. and approach. 

I know how. I just need to act.. not think.. 

Time is no longer my friend..and i need to try.

Think about that..

R

August

Im back from my road trip.

I did cone back...

It was long and lots of miles.

I traveled across the  country.. coast to coast.

I went places I have never been.. 

Seen things I always wanted to see.

.. I did it alone.. with my MINI family.

They came to my aid. Mutual appreciation for something. ..

Can bring us together. 

I met a couple memorable people..

Even the VP of NA MINI.

One meeting of a lovely woman at a gas station.. fellow MINI owner, pepper white.. from Idaho. We talked ovwr gas pumps for about an hour.

She was cute, established, and liked her MINI!  As she said..it was serindipitious that we met.

The other MINI owner I met at the dealer in Salt Lake.. she needed brakes and another in her crew needed porcupine repairs..

We met again for a couple cruises..I was accepted into their procession..and drove with them between stops in Washington.

Nice people.

...

My return drive was the way I expected. Except the suicidal birds flying into my car in South Dakota..and the amazing amount of bugs.. my car was covered..I washed it twice that day! 

..

The visit went well, and I had a great time. 

I am glad I detoured there..and I even added another day at the fantastic hotel. 

I did not see everyone I wanted or planned to see.. but those I did were worth the time.

..

The drive back home was uneventful, and I was happy to be home a day early. That gave me time to recoup.

Those that cared, missed me.. 

It is niced to be missed. 

I am sorry that not everyone missed me, or even noticed I was gone...

...

That being said.. 

I am glad to still still have a job and be missed at work... 

Lets hope the company keeps on..

..

Im still being over paid.. but..I hear they are going to stop paying for our lunches.. and I will need to adjust my daily schedule by 30mins..

.. 

I hope the job dont go more down hill..

I hope they still will need me to fix and maintain.  Otherwise, I may just retire and downsize my life.. and find a comfortable place to be.

Or I can just keep working another 10yrs.. and then.. make appropriate adjustments.. 

...

Just me and the cat..

R

end of the first week back ..

Busy, and tired.. not jet lag, but similar.  Nice to sleep in my own bed. Just me and the cat. He was happy to see me. 

The car made 1/4 million miles.. and needs some service.. brakes and oil and AC compressor. 

I spent a considerable amount of time by myself, with only my thoughts. Surprisingly I was very peaceful.  Driving is my mental cure.

Sure, I thought about the past situations, but not the consuming, beat myself up, converations I usually have.. like what did I do or not do...q

I did enjoy the scenery and the road..

That was the point. 

I had car issues to deal with, and route issues, and having lost my travel contacts..navigation... and wondering where to have dinner.. lodging decisions.. all the things that goes with traveling solo.

I was able to find my way, join a traveling group or two for a while.. 

Then after the Rally was over..and I fimally got my car back.. the return road trip was mainly just me and the car..over all that part went pretty good.

The visit in the Springs went better than I thought it would. 

I went by the old house.. they took out the rest of the bushes.. and cut down one of the trees.. 

But its not my house anymore..

Good for them.

The old friends were happy to see me. I found out most of the old haunts are not the same .. new owners, closed..or just different.

I didnt make it to visit the old job. That may have been a good thing to do. I tried to contact A.. but no.. had the wrong number. 

The ride back was good.. made good time.. had a day to recoop..

..

No local contact.  Figures.. that book is closed.. for now.. 

..

I figured I spent $1000+ in fuel

Traveled 8800 miles..

And I havent figured the lodging. 

A few bucks..im sure.

..

Work made a few updates..the remote project has been cancelled..so all the work I did before..for nothing.. I need to go back and ripout all the equipment..dismantle the antennas.

Hire climbing crews to take them out.

Sooner the better.. 

I spent all day in a satellite dish.. making repairs.. in the heat.. I hope its gonna work tomorrow..or else I will need to buy some parts.. 

Never a lack of things to get done.

I have home stuff to do.. car service and some house stuff. 

And I working coverage thia Sunday night too..

Welcome home...

R