last day tomorrow

It is here. 

This time tomorrow, I will be done at BCSO. Three day weekend..and back to the drive.

I did fix the shock issue in my car. It was just loose. Took it out. Cleaned it up and tightend it up.. all better! 

Im happy about that .

.

Had daily contact so far . . More than just hi ot good morning.. its nice.

I need to ask about sun/mon.. see if she is working.. I want to visit . 

..

Been planning to get stuff fixed.  

Brakes for Revington.. and pearl needs a light bracket and a cover adjustment.. maybe an oil change..

Mine too.. 

The house needs to be spring cleaned  and we need to set some new ground rules .  The shift changes will require changes .

Im looking for help and support..

Im hoping to get into a good routine, where I am not doing everything..

Let them adult more.. and less on me.

I need to start figuring out how to wind down.. I have at least 5 years..

Lets see ..

Maybe if i can spend more time with N..away from home.. they will have to do more for themselves...

Its a thought..

It may give me more time to find my future...

R

plans

So..no 

Not going up. N is working..

too many call outs ..

Im still taking Monday and Tuesday off. I might as well.. 

No point in trying to save the time.

I actually had 20 hours personal time..and used these 2 days, I will still have 4hrs left . But only 3 days left of work.

So, they will pay out the roll over vacation and the remaining comp time and I was told 53hrs vacation??

That I just earned..not expecting that ..but it would be nice.

Then 2 weeks at the new job and my first pay check. Lets see if its all gonna work.

I do get another 4 day weekend..day 1 is Tuesday.. this will be three 4 day weekends in a row.. 

That is something.

...

I need to check my car..I think I need a strut bushing on the driver side. Its been knocking over bumpy roads.

Also the morning warm up is taking a while.. and it sputters a bit.. may need a set of plugs.. 

The dealer says they will give me $2500 trade in.. towards a 2022...

HA! 

The grey one needs a set of brake pads and a o2 sensor.. maybe a battery.. and I could use it a few days a week.. less than $500.. and it should be viable..

A option.

...

I said it.

She heard me.

Later she asked if I only said those things because she was drunk and would not remember.. I said no..

I know she would remember.

...

Just what it means to her.. I need to find out.

It means a lot to me.

..

Maybe . . We can have some time next weekend.

..

L is making plans for MTTS.. gonna ask for the time off.. too early for me..but I figure it wont be much of an issue .

..

..

A job change.. back to something different.. it will be weird for a bit..

Its primarily a support shift.. and for me will be 12 hour days.. 

The money will be welcome..and hopefully it will help build up my depleted cushion.

And my vacation money.. and hopefully vacations..

..

These past couple weeks..I have been a bit scattered..forgetting simple daily routines.. forget to shave.. forget my wallet.. forgot to put the empty coffee pot in the machine..so not like me..

Some level of stress .. just overwhelming me.. plus fighting a cold for the past week . 

..

I hope it passes..

It has a weird feel...

..

So, L requested I get my latest shot..

Otherwise she is not gonna go with me on the rally.. I said, not gonna happen. She said then she wont be going with me.. I said ..it will not happen. She expressed that she is worried I may get infected during the trip, and that she would be lost if I died.  I decided to table the subject.

I did mention she is my beneficiary on all my accounts..

..

I changed the subject to dinners.

The new job .. I will not be home for 4 nights. They will be responsible for their dinners.

J was listening..and requested that L help teach her to cook . 

I mentioned the cookbook..and simple follow the recipes..

We decided.. soups and stews and simple dinners . .. as we transition..

Small steps.. it has been long enough..and it is past time . .

Next.. chipping in to clean.. 

L has been checking the litterbox..

Thats good.. now if I can get the dishes done and garbage taken out..

..

Only taken a few years ..

But... No nagging..just realizations..

Subtle..

..

We have a working dishwasher..i have never used it in 5 years ..

It could be utilized..

..

Lets see how it goes..

...

Optimistic!

R

weekend..

So . One more week at this job..

'so I quit the police department and got a steady job..'

Been running in my head for two weeks .

I took Monday and Tuesday off.. 

Plan on going to see N..

Hang out, since skiing..is not gonna be .. but..really. I want to be close .

I confessed that I am in love. Not just that I love her..im. in love with her..

I know she heard me ... I dont remember her reaction.. .but.. I hope it meant something..

No snow, no skiing..

But..im going up to be near her..

Yeah..ive been hooked for a while..

I think she knows it..

..

Yeah..I mess up..over think..or dont think.. and have to repair it..but .

She is letting me..I see that as a positive..she wants it too..

Really, just hug me.

The job change is happening..I have this next week..then..go time...12 hr days..and 3 day weekends..

I have to make this work.

R

thurs, one more..

Next week will be my last Thursday night out .. the next week I will be wotking late Thursdays.. probably wont be getting home till 12:30.. 

So, L and I tonight, J stayed home, not feeling well. 

..

I enjoyed my weekend. We got to ski.

Unfortunately, there was Gluetin in the meal after. The reaction was bad. I wish I could have done more. I felt helpless. .

..

Before, I did confess that I am in love. I tried to apologize for being a dick. Not sure if it was accepted or not. I made plans to go up and ski this weekend.. but she may have to work . I took off Monday and Tuesday, figuring I could go up Sunday morning and return Tuesday around Noon. I wont know until she lets me know. If she is working.. I will either go into work.. and forfit the 2days or take them off and do nothing. 

I can always clean the house or work on my radios..

..

My last week would be a on call week.. I wonder if I will be asked to do it? 

...

R

long weekend

Maybe a couple long weekends.

I have 3 days to use or lose..in the next 2 weeks. 

I am taking Tuesday next week.. so i can have a long weekend.. spend a couple days with N. 

Maybe next week too if it goes well .

If not.. dunno.

The friend zone is trying to capture me.. I am fighting it.. 

I know a level3 belongs there..

But Marni be damned.. you are wrong..wing girl..wrong.

..

I am making life changes ..

For me..

For my future..

I will make that work..and hopefully other things too .

I deserve it.  I do.

I have worked hard..

Been a good person..

Worked through bad situations and poor decisions.. and been duped..

And recovered .

Now is the time .. if I dont ..no one will . This is for me..my happiness..my piece of mind..

The future is right here..I want to be happy..for the rest..I have earned it.

Let me spread this..suck you in..we can be happy together! 

Let me..

Let us..

...

Ok ..

It is the mindset I am in..

This is what I want..

..

Yes..I know.. the possibility of..

Please back off .leave me alone..your not what I want right now ...or ever..

Is real.

Karma..knows im due ..

My happiness..a real relationship..with a person that is real..aware and not manipulating.

Just accepting.

..

I try too hard .. I over think..

And usually..I just hurt, mentally..and physically..it takes a lot out of me emotionally. Which hurts.

..

What am I doing?? Or not doing???

..you said..we have not had much/any contact since the fall...

I tried to keep the contact open.. it got to a point..where id send a message..and get no reply for 3 days or a week .

What am I supposed to think?

..

I literally think about you every day..

The scenarios in my head never are good ... 

I fought to not keep texting you when you didn't reply.. for days . 

I tried to busy myself..but constantly wondering..

Then you drop the ..we are just friends ...since we have had little contact..???

Where am I falling down?

L3..

Yeah..the experts..tell me..to be mysterious..leave gaps.. make you think about me..

Im always thinking about you..

Which means im in love with you..

Are you always thinking about me?

Are you in love with me??

It is what I want.. 

Really.

.

But..we can't meet..

Realize this..

Really?? 

...

I have made changes..

To my schedules..jobs.. I will be more available..have more money and time.. will you let me in?

Ok

I have been ranting...

The reason for this blog..

We never actually talk about us..where we are.. or where we want to be.. not to each other.

Maybe we should.

..

We are beyond the ..I am me, you are you..we may figure it out..

No ..we need to work it out ..if we want it to work. 

..

I do.

R

Notice..and decisions

3 wk notice given.

Drug test completed.

Offer accepted then. Countered and accepted..and request in place with optimistic for a positive decision .

Time and money and a future..

The car has one more payment.

.. I did have to dip into the savings to pay bills on time this month..

I calculated the last raises and my regular take home increased $200 this month..the new one..will be a bit more.

..

So, timing is everything. I hope it is going to work.

Better shift, travel times are favorable , long weekends....long days. . 

Now if the rest of my life would fall in place...

R

early start to Saturday

It was fairly busy. Got up early.. thought i was gonna be late for work...not .

 But had plenty to get done. I needed to bring Davids radio to the post office.. and wash L's car. And go to the bank and deposit Ls and a radio payment.  Got back, parked it and left the keys for the Safelite guy.. took Revington to Plymouth for groceries. Before I left, I got a registered letter about the neighbors horses.. I sent a picture of the letter to N. We texted about it while I was in the grocery store.. then the Safelite guy called and said he was in my driveway..30min early . ..glad I left the key.. so got back and put away the groceries.. and when he was finished, I went to Stop n shop for the stuff I didnt get at Walmart.. and bumped into Rick.. we talked for a bit then I got what I needed and went home . I did get L a Valentine's card.. and one im mailing to N. Cute but not mushy . . Too early for mushy?? 

Worked on a radio..and talked with Jeff for a few hours about lots of random stuff. 

..been a full day .

...

So.. next week will feel weird.. I have not hinted that I am leaving. I think it will be odd.. but I do want to give at least 2 wks notice.. which would mean a week from Monday..which is a holiday..so maybe next Friday... I assume they will let me work till the last day.

It will give Natalie a chance to compute exit pay . 

I can explain the reasons.. the primary..beside the pay is the retirement options..or more the limited county options for me.

The true fact that this morning , I had to take money from my savings  to make sure I had enough this week for groceries and dinner today.

My extra money is gone..My PayPal account is under $100.. my hidden money in the checkbook is down to $250... my finaces are ok .all my cards are paid off except the one I used for the well repair. Its closer.

The car has one payment left.. but.. I will need the next paycheck and half of the one after to pay the mortgage..

Not much left for the utilities and groceries...

It is past time to step back up.

If I can survive another 5, maybe I can build up the cushion..without running up the cards..and pump some money into SSi and have a better future plan. As well as add some more to the 401k.

Its a better future..if it all holds together..

..

Lets see.

..

I should ask if the holiday weekend, meaning Monday, would be good to go up.. maybe take Tuesday as a comp day... 

. 

It has to be better.. the driving and wear and tear.. maintenance and fuel..but maybe some OT will help fuel the cushion and maybe some vacation time..a trip or two..

Right now ..no way..it would all be cards and later bills..

Not going back to building debt .

Of course if the car cant handle the commute..I may have to upgrade..but I have Revington..it should help.

Time will tell..if this was the right move or not..I have been worried about it.. as the inflation took hold..the taxes and insurance increased so did my mortgage..but not my pay.. it did eventually..but not before it gradually ate all the spare 

cash . 

..

Yeah, the majority of this post was about money.. it is a concern..

Nobody wants a poor guy in their life..

I need to remain self-supporting..an asset not a burden .

Less to worry about. For both.

..

Lets hope the timing is good..

Maybe the economy will turn and I wont be chasing this till retirement..

..

R

success??

This has burned me before..

I think I have made headway..just to regret it . ..

But... I took the advice ..sent an email.. asked for a bit more . 

Not greedy, just 3/4 more than what I was offered.. 

It was still reasonable.. and basically added in the cost of living raise i just got ..to bring me back up to a + $20k difference from where I am to going back..to where I was.. pre-pandemic..

So ..a plus . And better hours than before..it may change..but it hopefully will work .

I will put in a 2 wk notice either next week or the week after.. my planned start is 3 weeks ..

I signed the offer letter today .. bext is the background check and probably a drug test.. 

I am trying to clean up the odds and ends in the shop.. making sure I have all my obligations completed.. leave on a good note.. you never know..

Not sure how Todd will take it..and have to sit with Tom and then Natalie.. 

If I am wrong about the pension ... Its their fault for not explaining it..because ...what I have been told..it does not benefit me ..for a long time ..so . .. best that I go back to the private sector and contribute to SSI ..and a 401k.. at least for the next 4 or 5 years.. then I may be comfortable... And able to retire ..

....

Next..

Smiles!! 

N sent me a valentine!!!!!!!!!

Chocolates...

Yes, a reaction to my rose . .. but... really that was the point.

Hello! I am here..I am yours..

You are mine... 

Lets get closer ...

Lets see if I can visit ...been almost.. 2 months...

I miss her .

Period!

...

Yeah.  

Im hooked.. 

She is always on my mind..

I think about her all the time though out the day..each day..

. 

..

I hope to not mess this up.. 

I thought id already messed it up..

Maybe.... maybe not...

..

Lets see .

I am changing jobs..and will have more?? Free time..longer weekends..

It could work.

R

decision

Ok. 

It has been decided and done.

I accepted the new/old job.

It comes with small raise over when I left. I asked about keeping my earned seniority.. the manager said he would inquire.

But..Ive made the decision ...

I just texted the 2nd.. an mentioned the money.. and the reasons why im changing.. 

He suggested I send an email explaining my math and ask for more.

He is a friend.

I would be ok with it.. but more is better in the long run and short .

He said they would have gone 2k higher.. easily.. 

I suck at negotiations.. 

I will figure this out and make it work.

Thanks Mike! 

R

as always.. questions in my head

Before I lose my thought...

I have always had unanswered questions.... I wonder...

Why cant people be real? 

What is the reason for the games? 

I understand the tests... Real and imaginary..I understand criteria and requirements... You have to have standards. 

I also understand no one our age is new at this. Most people have been misled and hurt. So, you have to be careful. But where does it end? Does it ever?

Can someone really be too good to be true?  How long do you wait? 

How long do they wait?  

Unlike most, I dont keep looking when I have located my interest..

Im fixed on it, till Im told to give up, go away, or you are wasting your time...so there is no one else for me to be interested in..not looking. 

I think it may make me appear desperate.. in reality Im just fixated. I always want it to work.. otherwise why would I even try.. sure once in a while it goes easy... Very very rare, but if there is mutual attraction, then why should it be difficult? 

Find the things that we like together..and work on the rest.

I have lived through a few things, I have an idea of things I dont like. I know things I dont want to be part of..there are few things that are definate no's..I think I am fairly open minded. I am not afraid to try new things.. I feel I know a little about a lot of things..and I am always ready to learn something new or try something different.

I can bring new things to the table too.. 

Generally, I just want to spend time with them, do what they want to do. Just be with them. Helping them get things done, or just taking them away from the regular day to day and spend time together. 

The last thing I want is for them to have to work on my behalf.. hospitality is one thing, but I don't want to be a burden.. I want them to have fun with me..not think that they have to wait on me when we are together.. 

I think the average person cannot grip that they can provide all I need by them being present.. they don't have to do anything. Just be with me.

....

Well that took a path...

Anyway .  I am worried. I do not know what I can do next. I hope I am on their mind...they are always on mine.

I decided to stop being a pest.. all it got me was hopful and generally disappointed..

I dont know where we are. 

New years was great ..but it has slipped back into limited contact..

I have personal things happening...right now...and would love to have someone to share it with...to sound off with..help me work through it.. but it is just me.

No one to tell me it sounds sketchy..or that it is the right thing to do..

Just me ...

....

R

dilema

I want to express how i feel.

I will fail.

I cannot find me.. the me I want to show.

Nothing fits..

I want to impress..

Always ... But..I want to show I  tried.

But I will fail..I always do.

Rare I am the hero.. notable

.. damn..

I am really beating myself up.. it cannot be this difficult...

I really care.. I just cant prove it ..

Im screwed..

From the start. 

...

R

changes??

The wheel is turning.. 

I got word they fired the bad technician.. 

Mike asked me to call him.

At lunch we spoke ..

He said they have to post the new job, he will let me know when that happens.. all I need to do is apply and then they can make an offer.. the interview is already done.

Then he asked me to consider a shift change .  Four 10 hour days . Saturdays Sundays and Mondays off.

Tuesday and Wednesday 9am to 7pm and Thursday and Friday 1:30pm to 11:30pm.. 

But the travel times should be favorable.. 

It does mess with thursday night and friday pizza nights.. those we can move.. and the weekend will be free.

... Next thing would be the offer.. 

If the money is less than before . ..a definate no. I would like a little raise over when I left . ..cost of living increase.. maybe $3 to $5... 

I would consider less if a raise if they offer no break in employment.. same PTO acrual rate as when I left..

Its negotiable..

...

The radios have started coming in again.. 

Must be winter...

Got to get back into the mode..and knock them out as soon as I can.

..one on the bench..2 waiting .  . Maybe 2 already finished..just have to do the final tests.

...

I was pleased to get a good morning text ...in response to mine yesterday..

I asked how they are doing... So maybe I will get a response.. in a couple days ...

...

All I can hope for...

...

Its in her hands ...

R