someday...

Someday I will figure out what I am, either doing or not doing.

I have not been thinking too hard about it.. but .. looking through pictures of my last trip.. 

It should have been bliss.. 

But beside being a reminder of the fact that it was probably the last time In a long while that I will be in physical proximity.. which at times bummed me out.. and then the hot and cold feelings coming at me.. which ended in me sleeping on a small roll away bed by myself in one of the nicest places I booked.. cold and alone.. and the memory of our last coupling... Where I felt I was hurting them physically and restrained myself.. 

And that was that. 

It could have been so much more, and should have been much more..

Now.. I am just me..and no hopes on my horizon..just work and being alone..and getting close to nothing .

I try not to think about it.. but I second guess when I do.. and wonder what I did or did not do right.

I originally thought I had found that lost piece.  Then figured out I needed to enjoy the friend I had rediscovered.. then .. I was left by the side . .. I have a picture....of them walking away.. the last time I saw them.. ..

I know they told me not to get attached.. because they were not looking for a boyfriend.. and I know that. I was happy being a close friend..but I think the gap has opened..and keeps getting larger.. 

All the regular opportunities are gone.. 

I do not have a network of friends.. and if the few I have.. I am not in the preferred group..I am usually just a tool or a bank.. but not someone to call to hang out with.. I may have done this to myself.. I spend most of my time by myself..alone.. usually at home.. or work.. not much else.

Even when I go out..it's alone to sit and drink by myself in a room full of people that I don't know..

...

I wonder . .. 

I thought it was because I was too intense..or too controlling or set in my ways.. 

But I look.. and see that my ex girlfriend..has a new love..and he is in family pictures..and not a ghost..

I was a ghost.. not by choice..but that is where she put me.. probably because she thought I asked for that..I didn't.. I w

Always wondered why she never introduced me to the rest of her family..like her dad..

No clue.

..

I had to be me .

I just don't know ...what I am doing or if I can change..I guess I have been doing this all my life. Because..I am here.

...

No one will tell me the truth..

I guess even I am lying to me too.

...

So, working on the car.. got the airbag out, got the module out.. ordered the reset..ordered a replacement airbag.. ordered a wheel arch.. the control arm will be here Monday..the fender cover arrived today.. I am gonna remove the hood and pull old bumper cover out and see if they can be fixed.

If not.. buy the replacement.

....

Maybe I can get it finished by February..

So probably no early skiing..

No visits..

No life till after

..but what else is new.

Till next time...

R