reminiscing

I was thinking a few days ago..about past lives.. and all that went on during each connection. ...

All in all.. I am disappointed.

There were chances .. opportunity.. of long term happiness.. but either I was deluded or oblivious...

Yes, I accept that I made bad choices or decisions..or they did...

I usually made the best of each.. situation..but always was happy with where I was..I did walk away from one or two.. but usually they left me.. 

I admit it probably was because I was not seeing the whole picture..or was not being told the whole truth..

More of the latter...

I wanted acceptance..and companionship..a reason to go to work each day ...so I could come home knowing someone cared, or relied on me.. that I was useful and needed ... And not alone. 

...

Yes.. In the beginning I was young and dumb.. missed a lot of clues..but as I got older..I still missed a lot..and my priorities changed..but essentially I still did not want to be alone.. I needed someone... But ..here I am. 

....

Yes,the ones before .. are memories.. even the first.. is out of reach ..

It was a long time ago.. but meaningful, we still are friends.. but out of touch.

I learned the truth about her 20 odd years later . .. I was oblivious..I didn't know or care ..I was young and happy...till I wasn't.

I think she apologized..about what it really was.. I understood..and let it go. 

The next.. is out of touch.. I tried years later to figure it out..to talk. But was left to my own interpretation..

And looking now.. probably better off.

...

Then.. the first J..

That was a rollercoaster..I was head over..and she was who she was..is..

Too hot for me..

Yes, issues developed ...not in my interval..but the changes were real changes.. and you cannot go back .

But, life goes on, and change is constant..she is happier, and much more complex than she ever was.

I am happy to have loved her..and glad to still be loved.

We are still very close friends.

...

Ok.. the next..(autocorrect gave it ex..so appropriate)..

A was ..what I thought would be the last.. the one.. but deluded as I was..

The truth was always there..and 20 years invested.. and the truth was not really a surprise..and it was done..it has turned out to be.. the end. Contact has ceased. Funny way to end a 25 year old relationship.

...don't get me wrong.. I got the best out of the time spent..and hope I'm not messing that up..

...

Yes, after that.. 

J repeat ... But.. better.. a real ..if not realization connection.. that brought us back together as friends..as we are today.

The other J.. a woman I will never forget. The timing was bad..and the legalization of maryj.. created issues..and a real redhead.. but I never felt like more than the current guy.... Never fully accepted..just a placeholder...

the next Cathy.. surprising.. wonderful..but the right person at the wrong time..I was immersed in work and appreciated the company and the love..but was dedicated to work and felt guilty about working..and had to make time for her ... Totally unfair to her and me..I actually broke it off with her ... Because of work..

Sorry..

..

M.. I cannot say enough.. a friend for ages..the sister of my crush..which was a wasted effort.. but much more as time allowed.. close.. closer..yet..I messed up that up.. to intense ...before I realized how I get..my intensity..which destroyed it...

It could have ended badly..but we remain friends.. I do love her..and always will.

A..

More than just A ...

My young crush ..years later.. a wonderful woman ...a more wonderful person.. I have always loved her..and will... continue.. but..I think the timing is our enemy.. ok proximity is difficult.. and  her being a free spirit.. pushes me to the side..

Now ..... Her iteration..has her as a world traveler.. and here I am..stuck in my day to day..

I am making decisions that anchor me to this life.. the future is not written.. I'm trying...

But still me..still alone....

R

last weekend of Sept. 2022

A few more days.. 

I started this morning with a trip from the office to the ID shop. I finally got my all base pass. They only issue them in September.

The day was eventful... We got the last of 4 new cruisers finished. I helped the supv work on an old refurbished brinks truck. We needed to get it reassembled and ready for them to take it to the undercoating guy for him to paint it with undercoat. We had to finish drilling and mounting the police lights..then clean it all up and make it drive able.

Then home and out for a dinner drive..and then back home..

That's next...

R

out.

So, I decided to go and sit and listen to a live band, this Friday night, now. 

Said as I was leaving that I was going out..  and I left a note on the board. 

Figuring they had headphones on..and didn't hear me.. 

So.. I'm here.  Having an Abcran..and bending my ears . 

I have a detail tomorrow around 11.. so I should be ok.. 

It's a drive 20 min, setup, and sit for 4 hours.. break it down, and drive back.. a literal show-n-tell. Actually more of a billboard.. appearance.. 

Not bad for overtime money. 

I have been trying to get caught up with radio work.. I got one out yesterday and one done tonight.. and 2 of 4 done. It's still fun.. and challenging and it makes $$

I am still just me.. no one to take my time.. A is in Europe and elsewhere.. .

I have no one else that wants me around.. I have a couple that could make time for me if I asked.. but no one that wants me around constantly..

So I stay busy.. and keep working..and all that.

L is working,and the new roommate is adjusting..and seems to be ok.

I have been looking to lower some bills.. mortgage and insurances..

But so far , no luck. I actually had one broker sayi should stay with what I got, cause he could do no better??

Oh well.. 

I have to figure out how much this new arrangement is gonna add up to..I will probably be asking L to pitch in.. I don't plan on shouldering all the expenses.. 

Work has been busy, even the busy work has been just that..busy..we have a challenge of an old brinks truck.. conversion..messy but still fun and challenging.. 

And we just got 5 new cruisers to add radios to..so we will be busy next week. Both the supv and the mgr will be out till Wednesday.. 

I am expecting an email with  a task list.. 

Not much else..

Just missing a someone... And any or all that goes with...

I need to figure out how..and try ..

I can't keep hitting on old flames, or old missed opportunities.. but I am lonely..and need someone to give me a physical meaning to my life..

I can no.. have put my self into this routine..just to stay sane.. but I have always needed someone, and usually ended up alone..or extremely disfunctional...

Yes, C ,M and A.. 

And almost everyone after ...

Yet.. here I am, hoping for someone that isn't medicated..either prescribed or self-medicated . .. and somewhat sane..

Wishfull thinking..

Really in this age..I don't think it's possible.

Yet ... I am hopeful..and really.. surprisingly... Not desperate ..

I am patient.. and hopefully won't miss it when it comes my way...

If you are out there.. find me..

R

getting cold and been wet

Nearly the end of September..2nd day of fall.. been cool and lots of rain. My grass has been growing...and fairly green. 

The new roommate is getting their paperwork started.  It all takes time..

I got the laptop setup for them and another monitor. 

I have been trying to figure out dinners.. making sure they can eat. 

So been choosing food with keto in mind.. 

I need to check Ls car. It may need a new set of hubs ... Again.. or new axles..again... I bought cheap ones last few times..maybe should go for better quality..

Work has been busy, we will have training next month for 4 days..out of town.. and I have a detail this Saturday.. half a day..but good overtime.

The insurance agent could not find me anything better.. so the increases will hit my mortgage..with more expenses and higher prices.. I may need to move some radio money into my bank or ask L to contribute a bit ..to cover the added usage.. utilities ..food etc.. 

It will work out . . .

I contacted A today.. she is all over.. just left Norway.. now in France .headed to South Africa..

Sounds like a lot of fun.

More later ..

R

first week..

Well, we did the drive. 

2500 miles each way. drove nearly straight there.  Left at 8:00pm Thursday after work, and arrived for the pickup at 11:30am Friday. 

Then we drove back.. stopped in 3hrs and got a room for the night. 

J is ok. They had a few tense conversations with the parents and tried to calm down..

The drive was uneventful.. we got home at 8:00p Saturday.

I have been working on building a computer and ordered a phone card..L and J went grocery shopping and I went shopping too.. then we went clothes shopping and then they got a game.

L took the week off, goes back to work on Friday..I took the week too, but only used Friday and Monday. I went back to work. Saved the rest of the days.  

..

I was thinking about M and the next day she texted..so I went over to visit. 

...

Work has been steady and so far so good.

More later..

R

September 2022..

Well, here we are . 

I am not surprised much that it's 55 degrees at 10 pm when I left tonight.. I actually have a light jacket... 

We went down last night.. L decided to goin with me..we ate in the restaurant! Yes, she wore a mask, yes, there was no one in the place.. but it was a positive experience. 

Getting  ready for the road trip...

Any how.. I decided to clean up the front of the house.. the bushes were getting ratty..some saplings cropping up.. and some low branches and dead limbs.. cleaned up quick,looks better.

I finished the first web training..got my cert..3 more to go..

We ran down to the cape fire station to finish programming the portables.. we were done with 22 units in less than 20 mins.. and returned.

The bosses left early.. long weekend.. so we finished and left for the day.

I worked on a radio of four.. and answers some emails.and phone calls about the family litigation.. 

Probably gonna be more of the same..

....

L an I discussed the roommate situation.. and I suggested they break the news before we get there to collect them.. and I guess they did..so one less thing to stress about... hopefully...

...

Nothing new anywhere else.. 

No other contacts..

Maybe I should stop I and say hey a few places  this weekend..

Maybe get a hug.. 

... 

I had a migraine attack last night when we got to the destination..it was mild and passed.. 

I need to stretch out..maybe crack a little...

..

It is a long weekend, because of the holiday.. I have no plans..I am on call..

..

Yes, still alone.. I don't see that changing.. I need just to keep working and pay the bills .

'How I wish, wish you were here...'

A momentary diversion..

Yeah.. I do....

So.. I am gonna do a drive..and see how our lives change.. 

Yes, it will..

I don't see many negatives..and some positives.. so..I will give it a try..

Me personally.. am in the work mode..I am just gonna keep doing what I need.

I have a plan.. I will make a call and lower a payment.. for now..

It's the only thing I can do..

Pay $1300 up-front..instead of overtime..and it lowers the monthly..

...

Ok.. I am managing my finances and staying afloat.. no limit to tasks and busy stuff.. some just takes my time, and pays me..so it isn't too bad..

...

No..no a tiny bit of a relationship or a love life.. no one wants to see me..just to see me..  :( 

(There are a few I love to 'see' anytime)

...

So.. here is September.. not much new for me so far .and changes to my house coming .

We will see...

So for now..

R