Hello there!

Life is very strange.

Opportunity depends a lot on perspective..and assertiveness.

You can miss out on a lot if you just don't see it.
Or if you don't act on what you see.

Sometimes you need to determine if what you see..affects you I. A positive way..or if you should let it run it's course.
Sometimes..you have to wait and see..sometimes you miss the boat.

A good guess or an educated response will save you... maybe.
If you jump the gun ( another phrase I need to examine)...
You can lose out.
But if you wait too long.. take too long to figure it out..

You lose.

And usually.. no going back.
End of story.. you blew it.

Yes..I know this well..the voice of experience... lost many a thing that should be mine.. many a thing that would have made my life heaven... but a perso. Tries to live and learn... some do..most don't. Just to repeat again and again..

Everyone has that 'one' , the one that means it all.. and once it has gone.. either by your mistake..life..death.. or their mistake..it isthat gone.
You need to figure out if you have learned something or are doomed to repeat until you do.
Some things ..some circumstances are unavoidable. .but. you are where you are .. and to continue.. in the world.. in this life.. which you should.. you need to see all that it was..accept it for exactly what it was..
A moment in time..a moment in your life..
It has deep meanings.. much significance. . It made you the person YOU are today..

Yes with all your flaws and issues.. it made you.
You were so absorbed In the life you had.. it molded you to the awesome person you have become .
Now.. you have a new life..and you need to live it..

You are loved.. you are loveable.. do not sell yourself short..do not settle..

People can see your worth..you are a desireable human..do not think you have to take what you can..because no one will ever measure up to what you lost..
That is not what it is about.. you should not be looking for a replacement.. you should be looking for what makes your heart smile...laugh..think.. live!

You will never.. NEVER.. know..if what is gone would have made you happy forever.. you won't! The chance is past.. gone.. quit tormenting yourself over it..

Love them forever..

Move on.

That does not mean you never loved them...
It don't mean you don't love them..
It means..you know...
It is done.

It means you can love another..

It is allowed..

It don't mean you don't ..didn't love them.
It means you are alive and human..

You can allow your self to love..and live.

Live

Love

Yes, LOVE!

R
8/22/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Late night - as always

It has been an odd weekend.
My timing has been off, no chance of scheduling anything.
I had been asked to plan something for today, and never heard back.
I have been waking up really early, going back to bed and sleeping late.
If it wasn't for the cat, I would have missed my usual Sunday obligation.
Which went very well and was nice.
Then got home and waited around.. finally went grocery shopping at 6. ate a late dinner, watched a DVR'd episode. Then went on the patio started a fire and read 3 chapters in my old book.

Now it is almost 1 am, and I am waiting to get tired to go to sleep.

Blah, blah, blah..says ISTBA.

I know nothing new and exciting.. Sorry.
Work tomorrow.. I expect a long Monday. I hope I am wrong..

I see no one missed me at the reunion on Saturday. Really to be expected.

I had a couple of random conversations the past couple days. Out of the blue, and pleasantly calming.
I guess that is the point.

Having a large amount of time to myself, and having nothing to do, and no money to spend, is making it difficult. So, just keep moving.. to the next day, back to work.. just be a machine.

R 8/22/16

Venture out

Well I decided to venture out.. where was the problem .
I am making changes to my routines.
No Steak night this week. Decided to go for pizza instead.
I went out but not anywhere regular.
Down the street a bit. No one knows me here, and drinking beer.
How is that for changing it up?

I had to get out of the house..for a bit.

I have seen that I am absent.. from a lot of things..and nobody cares. No one seems to have noticed. So..that tells me something.
It's obvious.
I don't even need to say it.

What to do next. A few options.. and it may finally be time.

I am too old to start over..and I would not know where to start.. not that I ever did know.. I was just lucky every now and then..

I could go anywhere..and in all reality, no one would notice.
Distance won't matter to my close family.. they won't visit anyway.
I am not just saying this.. I have 14yrs of proof..
I did it to myself.. let go of things .. some needed to be gone..some I should have kept.

No I am not complaining about my decisions or choices.. just were it left me. I am not that prolific..to survive isolation..which is what I did way back then. Isolated me.. they won't tell me to go away..but they won't invite me either..

How am I to take that?
But, that is how my life is. Either I step out of me...and step into someones life..and ask to be allowed.. it is not going to happen.
That is what I get...nothing more. Always less.

With all that negativity in my head... I am considering ... stuff.. stuff that will never work in the end.. but it may feel good for a little while.

I am sure I have fallen off the radar.. not being considered..
So what else is new.. I put myself out there.. and never even got rejected..just left.. major self-esteem builder there.. Not.

It was a pipe dream... I defined that a while ago in this blog..

Oh well.. not really a disappointment. .. just what it is.
I am not a young tall buff cowboy.. just me. Not that I could turn a pretty head.. I don't fault anyone .. it is what it is.

I have noticed in the last few weeks..since my hair is growing out..I am a lot greyer than I was. I guess it won't be long before I go all white.
That will have them banging on my door for sure......

Blah..blah..blah.. says ISTBA. My friend.

I really do not think I can start over.. I didn't do so well back when..
When I could..
So.. no expectations for my future.. other than hanging with ISTBA.

Of course.. he came to me to show what that will always be. What it is.

You know.. in the end..
I don't want someone that needs me.. I want someone that wants me...even if it is out of need.. that would be ok...that would work.
I want to be needed..I want to be wanted.. I am just not sure of the order..or if it matters..

R 8/20/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Here we are.

Here we are... ISTBA and me.
Sitting by the fire..waiting for the last of it to burn down.
I made a drink. Cooked a smores. Made a second drink. Ate some chips.
Watched the moon go up..listened to the radio.
Stoked the fire..
Starting to get cool..so add a few twigs.

I am really not sure..

Feeling secluded.
So..to add to that.. Last night..i cleaned out .. Un-followed a lot of people. It shows..not much going on now.

Just adding to it.. Or in reality...showing me that it was an attempt.

No one has inquired..no one has come looking for me.  Well, not no one.. A couple.. They are appreciated. But no one local.

I will get up and go to work tomorrow.
Come home. Cook, clean, and do it all over again.

Just home.

I guess it is time to finish reading that book..

Just coals left.. Gonna stir them and close it all down. Not even midnight.
Not tired. I guess it is going to be a long night.

A final thought.. 3 yrs ago yesterday.. My mom passed away.  I have reminders.

R 8/17/16

Weeks end

Hi..
I sit here.
I was attempting to have a fire.
Too windy.  Starting to rain.
So I'm sitting in my garage with the radio on. Having a drink by myself.
Listening to my neighbors party.

Not much ambition. Bored. Lonely.
Here is the rain.

I have been trying to rethink..figure out what is next.
The vacation made me realize..i knew..just came to grips with...
I am not getting anywhere. I am not meeting anyone. I have no friends here. I don't allow myself to interact with new people. I shy away from the groups. I am still the awkward kid...
Now more than ever. I work with young people and am never considered.
Other than the old guy. I've withdrawn into home.
I have no daily contact. My kid sleeps in and don't need to talk with me.
My phone was quiet today.. No calls, no email, no texts, a couple pokes..but that was all. Nothing.
I offered to help someone with their car.. They didn't come over..no call..no text..
Nothing.

I do not even know where I can go.. What to do.

I'm sure most people figure I'm busy..I'm not.
I just don't have anyone to be around.
I have kinda isolated myself from everything for so long. I do not know how to come back.
I never belonged..but back when I at least. Tried and was somewhat accepted by the other misfits.
I'm not working 24/7 13 hrs a day..I have free time.. But nothing to do with it.

I am healthy. Live in my own home. Have a job. I am not rich. But not poor either.

It is raining good now..thunder and lightning.. I guess a fire was not in the plans after all.

I refrained from going to the bar for karaoke.. It is not feeling comfortable anymore. Plus I don't need to spend the cash on alcohol. I can drink at home.
Safer..if not lonely.

I have been un-following many to clean up my notifications.. I just don't see the need to know all that.

I don't have any projects that need my attention..or that can fill my time.

I just noticed.. ISTBA has been here all along..

R 8/13/16

One more

Ok..one more.

I have been away.

So you may have noticed.
Maybe not.

I am alone.

I feel alone.

I am not doing anything to change that feeling... that realization..

It is aparrent. I see people making their way.. working on the next one. Yet, here I am..just me.. with no escape..

It is late. I need to go home to my empty bed, and get some sleep.

I ask me..
Why am I here..at this time in my life.. alone.. going home alone..to an empty bed.. cold pillow..

I am not the only one.. just one of the many going home alone.

Good night.

R
8/2/16

posted from Bloggeroid

More.. Hello there..

So..
The vacation was needed.
It was what I needed.
But..here I am. Still alone.
Not doing much to change that.
My own fault.
I cannot deny...that is who I have been my whole life... me.
Im not gonna jump in and approach anyone..
Which is why.. I am alone.
Why I will be alone.
Its not a revelation..
Not news...

Just.. I need to learn not to care..to go for it..and if it fails..to shrug it off and keep on..

Yes.. I know what to do.
Just not how to do it without becoming an arrogant asshole.
Sure they never show the pain..
Or feel it..

But .. not me.

Not me!

Damn.

R 8/2/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Hello there!

Ok.. July is gone.
8200+ miles gone.
I have not had time to post anything. I have had lots to say..and most is gone now.
I traveled the country.. spent time with my child.. kept busy and sane.
I missed you.
But staying busy during the summer is much better than being alone.
Yes..I was alone among hundreds..but for the most part.. I didnt notice. (I did..but was too tired to care)
It would have been different if I was sharing it with someone.
I did share it with my daughter.. and that was fantastic!
But the pool was more important than mingling..and meeting people.
I am not discounting the time spent. It was needed and appreciated. We had fun.
.. more

posted from Bloggeroid