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As I feel that we are drifting..
I know I am mistaken.
Its good to realize.
ISTBA.. who let you in the room....
I have to understand the changes..
I have been living them in my own life..
I know how it can change you..will change you..
Life goes on..and if you are doing everything right..they will appear to not need you..even if thay do more than ever..
Its about growing up and letting go..so they will hold on tighter as they move on To their new chapters and you are not the most important person In Their life..
But they need you ..they will expect your praise and guidance and show is how much they actually listened to you over the years.
And if you recognize it..you will smile..and be proud and happy..
They will have completed the circle that you started.. as you
Intended..we created them and they grew..we guided them and we lead them to where they are now. Yes they worked for it..but they did it for you and them... in the beginning it was just for you..your praise and hopeful expectations..
And now we get to see them ready to spread their wings and prove themselves. .and we get to be proud.
Allow yourself to be happy...because that is why we are here in the first place..to nurture them to move on..to be our legacy..to reflect on who put them here and be so happy to see them succeed..
That is what we get from it..pride.. accomplishment..
Good job!

R 8/29/15

Day

It is the day they met. It is the day they began.
I cant intrude. I am missing her.
She needs me..I need her.. but I know the emotions that apply supersede me.
I just wish I could ease the pain.
Yes .. selfishly..cause when she is happy, oh boy! She radiates.. and projects her happiness...
She is beautiful .. but can make everyone smile when she is happy..
That is why my mission is to keep her happy..
Make her happy... let her be happy...

That task..gives me meaning... purpose. .

To make her smile as much as she makes me smile.. Grin.. would make me one of the happiest men I know.

R 8/27/15.

Absence

It was a nice day..but it was busy.
We texted first thing. And through out the day.
There was bunnies, driving lessons and shopping for tires and rims.
No voice contact.. but all in all a lot of contact.
Wishing I was in my coat...

I need to trust what is and not over think.
It is exactly what it is.

SMILING

Got to save my money..pay my bills and be happy.

143 M
R 8/23/15

All good

I need to stop listening to ISTBA.. he lies..
I think we are good.
I feel we are good.
I feel good.

I need time to figure out how to make this work, better.

She is an angel..bringing me smiles every time we talk.

Smitten.
R 8/22/15

Tonight

Well. ISTBA..has been whispering in my ear again...
Changes in plans.. and lonelyness enters the rooms ..
Doubt and insecurities..
I havw been a schmuck before..
We are miles away and I understand how enabling it can be.
I want..
I need..
I
But here I am...
Alone..
ISTBA!!!!

R 8/22/15

Wrong

Ok.. I was wrong.
I dont have issues admitting that.. but .. just over thinking..
ISTBA.. be quiet..
Stop whispering in my ear..

R 8/22/15

Explanations

This thought just occured to me...
I know some of my friends and family may be unhappy that I didnt stop in and visit when I was around.
I have done a bit of traveling in the past few years.. and only targeted certain people to see and spend time with...
Well its like this..
I travel..and usually have an agenda.. I have people I have to see and want to see and if I am lucky I get to do half of that.
I have places to go and things to do...
But the reality is .. no one excep my oldest brother and his wife has ever ventured out to the dismal reaches of Colorado to even stop in for a minute ( they actually stayed hours) to visit me.
Just a side note.. I always stop to visit him when am in Louisianna.)
I have been a lot of places where I have family..I have even lived a few miles from cousins ...for 4 years.. and never received a visit..
Or an invitation...
It is reciprocal. . You invite Ill invite..you visit ill visit.. ..
Im not going where im not wanted..
I have always had an open door for family and friends..
I do understand..the cost and timing are a factor..
I have been there.. and wont hold it against you..
But dont give me that crap after you brag about your trip to europe...
I am too old to be putting up with this stuff and carrying that baggage.
I have friends that are always happy to see me when I come..and sometimes that is what matters most.
Just need to vent..
I would understand if I lived in the armpit of the world... but I have always tried to provide a nice environment for my family and myself.
I have lived in 'colorful Colorado' for years.more than 10..and the only people that have come to visit (except D & L) have been people I have either paid their way or dragged them here..
Sad.. just sad.
R 8/18/15

Back?

Been a long week and weekend.
I missed her much.
We texted and talked on and off..more than I thought we would.
All was nice. More would have been better.
I am thoroughly hooked. But not real sure. If I am wearing off.
I know its ISTBA whispering in my ear.
And doubt creeps in after that.
Tonight was nice.. D didnt seem to care that we were talking.
We did stay on the phone for a couple hrs. So maybe im just over thinking ... ya think?
Things to do and get done..
Maybe time soon.

I will see..
R 8/17/15.

Out in back..

Out on my patio. Sunday night. Longish day. Missing the contact..
Called into work from noon to 7. Late dinner. Decided to have a fire..of course after I got it started..it rained.. got windy..and after I put out the fire..it stopped.
I just read the last few posts..
Not much to say. Its interesting .. truthful.. and enlightening. .to be able to look back..see the choices and misread thoughts and the things I was spot on..
Yes, im 'IN', but for how long.
I see what is going on around me..and away from me and think.
I know what ive pushed away.. and sometimes regret it.
I did what I needed to do.
I am happy my friendship is more than it could be.
I dont know what to do next. I have to recover from my expenses. And I think it will take a couple months..to get back on track.
Then we will see what to do next.
- interruption--- long distance phone call. Left me grinning ! -
So I am thinking a visit here is next.. even just a weekend..
But things need to get done.. events need to happen.
Things scheduled. So prob in a month or two. By then who knows if it will be more than a weekend.. maybe I could go back for a few days after or even before.. hmmm .. have to think about that.

I am feeling better..after hearing your voice.. not so lonely...

Ty!
143!
Sweet dreams.
R 8/9/15

Week off

Wow.. I dont know if I can handle a week without contact.
She is up..way up in the north..not much cell or wifi. She has a big job ahead.. cleaning out a home..memories.. and such..but we are at limited connectity..and this the first time in months that we have been out of touch..
I am missing her..and her voice..
Being 2100 miles away..is that much harder...
Miss you.. Miss one...

R 8/7/15

4500 miles

Or more..
I am back home from my road trip.
It all went well. Missing my friends already. But keeping time.
Already planning the next visit..
I have created a friendship and it can go many ways.
Time and distance are what I need to overcome.
I thought more would play into it but it seems that only 1 important person is resistant. Time may help.. it may not matter. I will have to see.
I know I have made a difference..so if this is all it will ever be, it could be enough. I have helped a friend.
If it becomes more..it will be good for both of us.
I am hopefully optimistic.
I like what we have become. We are still cautious. .and are trying not to move too fast and trying not to hurt each other.
It is working so far..but I think we may be trying not to push the other..when a push is what we need..
Its too early for commitment and 'naming' , but.. it is also been long enough to know how we feel.. but not pushing..
There are issues.. and we can see how to fix those.
Distance is the one that may take a little time to overcome.

Like I said..optimistic.

R 8/1/15