Next...

Ok. I have made ot almost through the month.. its Spring.. and .. no green grass yet...
I have decided to take 3 days and a weekend off.. but have no idea what to do..
I should go somewhere.. and do something.. but a late decision and no advanced planning.. dont leave much. And of course weather inhibiting..

Its ok.. I will think of something.. a day trip or some other..

We will see..
R
3/24/14

Phone reset

This is fun.. I totally reset my phone tonight.. now lets see what's fixed and what's lost....

March 2014

Ok.. its march.. what do I have to do ??
I am slammed at one job.. and the other is cutting hours..
I dont spend enough time with my kid or my girlfriend..
It is not fair to either .. or me..
I need to take a week off of the primary ..and do something..
I need to figure out what I am doing or where I need to be..
I like where I am.. but have reservations about where I want go and where I am...
There , as always, issues with both.. and nothing new to make it easy...
Of course...
Never easy.. no not me..
Either way I end up being a jerk...

Its winter ... I should not be looking for greener grass...

I cannot settle.. well I can.. but I am not comfortable... I see issues..
And create issues..and allow issues...

Really what is a guy to do...????

ITSBA.. could be here.. and causing my grief and torment.. but he has been good.. and letting me hang myself..
I will do it.. and probably regret it..

Damn grass..
Being green and all....

Lol..

We are in the teeter-totter days of late winter.. and its hard to gauge how tbe weather is going to be.. and so the same as my life.. it could go up or down.. I. Could make a decision.. or an attempt..at something old. Or keep on.

Keeping on is good.. but.. im not reallly sure..if I need to be here...

Terrible.

I should rethink it.. it is getting near that time...

It of course could be much worse.. I could be alone... who wants that?

R 3/12/14

Please feel free.. I am a doormat.

Been a while.. just too busy.
I forgot how much time goes into trying to have a relationship and working 16 hours a day. So.. of course I think I am failing at that.
You can only hear .."I know you work hard and are busy" ,
so much before it sounds like.. ' when are you going to have time for me?'
And to top it all, my friends are asking....
Without asking....
Can we get back together?
Can you come visit?
Can I come visit?
Can I move in?
(Mind you... none of this has been said directly... just inferred)

I have received some apologies..and been told they realize how badly they treated me in the past... and how they would like to make it up to me.......
Some have voiced how miserable they are, how lonely they are... how neglected, unloved, mistreated... etc... again not to me specifically...

I am of course torn.. it sounds so wonderful... I can rescue someone I care about.. but at the expense of my current relationship that I am messing up anyway....

One friend I would just like to show that they are not as alone as they think.. another is a friendship from long ago..and would love the chance to have an adult relationship with... we are so much alike...a third, needs someone like me.. but will probably rip my heart apart when the grass looks a bit greener...somewhere else...

So much for adulthood. . Just a bunch of grownup teenagers.. with many times the baggage.. not all bad.. but baggage none the less..

I just have to keep saying.. dont mess this up..you know you can.. it would be easy...

Later..
R
3/10/14

Hello there. .been a while

So .... I have been working And trying to be a good dad and boyfriend....
Staying over busy.. and spending all in make..

Works have been nuts.. and I am riding the waves ... staying out of trouble.. but .. not seemingly to get any where.. except to the next day...
I am aware of my relationship.. but not sure if I'm doing it right.

I expect the worst.. and don't get it.. just my own mind playing tricks.. mind games if you wish..

I will have the house to my self in the next 3 days..
And will just be working another 16.and then an 8..

I have no plans.. and no requirements. .
If I am so motivated .... maybe start spring cleaning...
On call this week and next...
The main job is busy..and stressful.. the 2nd is just stressful. A little busy.. but cuts are happening... and work is there...

The girl.. ( your welcome) is as always interesting. .and not deserving of a part time boyfriend.
But we have lots of private issues. And concerns...
And just not willing to be that sharing.

Walls.. are every where. . Some are big and some are not.. but walls just the same...

I think I am damaged..
Too many things in my past.. makes me hesitant...
Just cannot get past some stuff.

If it was head over heels... it would surpass the issues..and make the hesitation go.. but its just passing time.. spending $$. And I should make that better....
But as always.. probably wont.......

Its march..and time is flying...

Till next time...
R 3/5/14
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