Why do you do this?

Ok.. I just wanna know...
In the past few weeks.. I have had random coincidences happen more than once.. I am beginning to wonder if its random at all.

One after another I get phone calls from people I thought would never speak to me again.. then I get texts from people I thought didn't want to communicate with me again..

And the reasons are the same..and a week after they should have had reason.

WtF..??

Are you just messing with me???

Am I not going through enough.. with out having to figure out why you decided to get back in touch and at the same time as the other ???..

What the hell did I do?

I don't get it.. have I not been punished enough in this life ?..

Bad choices made from mis information and having to live with that and now not being able to have a life.. not knowing how.. or with who.. thinking I should just quit.. give up and work myself to death.

ISTBA.. but its all I know..
Except for the 3 weeks I am viable for.. I just wish I knew how to make them end to end, instead of months between.. then at least I wouldnot be so lonely..

R 8/27/13

Life and

Well this weekend I will say goodbye to my Mom. She pased away on friday. I had just visited her a few weeks before. I am understanding that now she is no longer in pain. No longer suffering. No longer needs to endure the issues she was confronted with daily. It is both sad and happy to know she is free.

Her beliefs sustained her and gave her hope. She is in paradise with her husband. Happy, young and whole once more.

She gave me the values that made me who I am now. Or should be... I will miss her as much as my Dad and hope she understood why I've done the things I have In my life, I hope she was never dissapointed with my choices..

But that said.. I must live my life..continue and keep moving forward.

That is the life we must do..

Miss you Mom!

R 8/21/13

Well then...

This week is moving along.
Not at all happy.
But life goes on and death takes hold of those you love.

Goodbye Mom.

Saturday I will bid her goodbye..surrounded by family friends and strangers..

I know her beliefs and the reward she expected. I pray she gets more than she wanted, and is reunited with the man that would do anything for her. And they both will be incredably happy forever.

I am complacent in the knowledge of the resurrection. .and the possibilities it supports. I hope it is exactly what I have been taught. That would be awesome..and is what I believe and that explains why I have not shed a tear.
Either time ...

Not that I don't experience the pain. But with the hope.. I do not need to endure it. It is what it is..and I am good with what it has handed us.

Like I said ... goodbye Mom.

R
8/20/13

Continued

Her reply was it isn't and that's what I wish. Goodbye.

Well I guess that is it. No chance to explain.. just goodbye.

These past few days I've lost a loved one in death and a friend. It looks like neither will come back.

One was totally out of my control...
The other was just my fault.
Being stupid... trying to be cute.. trying to be someone I am not. Playing a game..
Stupid. I'm just old.. and alone.

No point in trying to fix it.
She was looking for a reason and found it.

We all wish we could be someone else sometimes. To be able to say or do things we would never do.

But its always a bad idea because we turn off those things that make us who we are.. and become someone else.

I cannot pretend to be younger, because I am not. Its just wrong.

I cannot pretend to be sexy.. because I'm not in real life.. I'm no ladies man..im to inhibited, scared if you will.. I could not pull it off.

ISTBA.

but I do it to myself..because I deserve it.

R

Ok then

I made a mistake. I guess several.
I wished her happy birthday.. a month early..oops.. I thought it was September. .. got a reply.. stop contacting me and it isnt my birthday. I replied.. sorry I thought it was. As you wish.

What now?

Ok, it happened again. I had just updated my account a few days ago... and decided to check it.. and noticed I had been unfriended.
So I checked her main page and it was gone. Turned off again. Which usually means she is hiding. Then I checked her alias.. it was different.. this time it was a pic of her.. a nice pic. Then a couple hrs later it was gone too. Turned off.
And still off this morn. Now later In The day.. both are back on. I am still unfriended. On both.

Hope she's ok.

R 8/13/13

Istba!

Yep.
Not liking it at all.
R 8/07/13

Wait

So here I am.
Waiting to spend money.
I know its coming. And I guess I really dont care.
It is what it is.
I'm lonely..and not happy about my personal life.
I want to call/text/contact someone that will give me something...or some kind of thing to keep me busy.. occupy my mind...
Been a rough ride these past months..now have nothing to occupy my off time.. would love a diversion..that morfs into a relationship..
Someone I can depend on to occupy my thoughts ...
Keep me from being negative and lonely.

I just dont know if I can make the steps to be what I need to be.
Its not as easy as it should be..
I know its an excuse.. but it is what it has been..
I just cant seem to get started and when I do.. I cant keep it going.
If its right it should be effortless..

I need to find the thing worth doing.
So I can be


R 8/6/13

So lonely

!

R 8/5/13