Your choice

Ok,
You choose to treat me this way...
I feel like shit.
And that's because of how you are acting.
I did nothing.
And feel like its my fault.

You saw my jacket and drink..

You chose to sit away ..
See what it got you.

I'm done.

Good night

R
1/26/13. 12:42 a

Longer week

Yep, too attached,
Puppy dog effect,
Done got my nose smacked with a newspaper!

That's how I feels.

But, enough going on at works to keep me real busy,  equipment breaking, new equipment arriving, installing new stuff, cordinating the construction, and scheduling repairs.
Work2 same bs, but got on task, damage control and repair work, and elearnings..

Beer nights and mini tours, and steak night.

Fix a few things and got paid for that.

Paid a lot of bills, and prep for sat.
Not sure, either shrimp or brazillian...

Trying not to over think, and stress, but sometimes I just can't help it.

Shut up and drink...

R
1/25/13 11:03p

Been a week... Jackass

ok,
So who's the jackass now..?
I guess this time it's me.
takin my turn...

Not sure if I over stepped, or didnt do enough.
I hate this feeling of not knowing what i am doing..
Is this the right thing to do, or should I back off and play like it dont matter to me.

it does...

I just dont know.
I should quit. back off, get my stuff together and stop the torment.

I understand i am too much sometimes. and situations make you uncomfortable,
Some of it just cant be helped. some can, but some of it you just have to accept and like it or leave it.

I am not gonna win here, no matter what i do, I should stop.

stop!

Damn. I suck at this, I wish somewhere it would get easy, or i'd get a break, I haven't done anything to deserve this kind of treatment, Nobody wants the nice guy..
story of my life...

well, I went home, and gonna try to sleep, with all this in my head.. yippe.
I suck at this, I always have, i cannot be a friend and a lover, it gets in the way.
one or the other.

it may not even be me, but it does not feel good either way.

:(

I guess I'm trying too hard, I think too much, I read too much into actions and words, I cannot interpret.
I dont know the language, I am helpless.

ISTBA!

Got to get back to being alone and just doing for me, pay off my bills and escape.. 1 more year.. I can go.
no one will understand, but I need to 'be'..
not be for anyone else, just me. go back ... way back... no one remembers me from then,
free, uncaring, busy, and no happier, but not unhappier.. just me.

ME

sometimes it was lonely, but, I fixed that, and was never alone.
SMILEY.. that is what they called me.. not grumpy or crabby, or desperate..
Even ISTBA left me alone then..

soon.. I don't deserve this.. Karma you owe me..

There are places I have never been, it is time to go there, and I should stay.. I wont be missed, and I can start over, be what I was, and no one will care. Those that know my misery will understand and be happy for me.  Those that don't, wont care,. and probably will never know.

There has always been someone important to me, that didn't get me, and didn't understand what they meant to me, and with that didn't care about me. When time passed, forgot about me. I didn't, but that hurt is done, and I cannot do anything about it, and am not sure I want to. I'm sorry for them, because not many found anything better, or realized what they gave up, but I cant go back.. it's over and it was not my fault.

I'm hurt.. and feel this way, and am pouring it out.. I was there for you, and dont know why you don't see that. I guess it really don't matter, Just hurts.

But, I always said, tell me to go away, and I will.. not because I want to, because I said I would.

Now, I suppose, if I stay away.. it will be my fault.. like last time.
I have always said, I never hold the cards, always someone else.
Fear of the unknown.. and knowing doesn't lessen the fear....

Hello 2013..
you look familiar..

R
11:51p 1/21/13

Nice

Had my steak, and a great night. Stayed in bed all morning.
Feeling better, cold is almost gone.
Not sure if any of this means anything, other than what it is.
Going with it.
:)
Shower, then groceries, dinner and shopping.

R
1/12/13. 2:42p

Well...

I have been asked to do the shuttling tonght..because her plans fell through.. last week I was asked to shuttle because she had plans..
So, I guess I should not hope to make any plans..

So unfair,
Take advantage much?
Its not doing anything for me...

R
1/11/03 3:32p

Guess not, wrong again?

Maybe not.
Damn.. I think too much.

R
1/9/13 5:44p

Oh now i get it!

Ok.. I think I am being avoided.
Can't prove it, but its starting to add up.
I thought I saw E last night at OTB, but not her car,
Which means she either walked or parked out of site, to make it so if I passed by, I would think she wasn't there.. but I did pass by, and I believe I saw her outside. (I think she saw me too) it didn't dawn on me till the next day..
But that means she's hiding from me.
So, in turn, I should stay away.

R
1/9/13 3:10p

Late or early?

Well, first Monday back to work.. full day, skipped the regular beer after 2nd, and went home to eat, Think I am getting sick.. yippie..

It's 1 am, and I will try to go to sleep.. go to get up at 6:30 to get Tuesday rolling..
made some progress today, getting ready to spend someone else's $.. got a quote for $21,990. for 1 piece, and have a few more coming.. It ought to turn some heads if that starts showing up, and I hand them the bill.
 
I have heard nothing, not a text, or a post, or even a like.. we will see if this is the way to be..
it sucks, but I think I have to try. I would like to ask about Shrimp, or even the Company party, but If I hear nothing, its no and Stag.

Well, tomorrow is Fox n Hound (maybe) after the night, so we can see if its changed much.
Dont expect any contact, she's better at ignoring me than I am her. I'm not that important to her, I guess, I must be more trouble than I think.

Anyway, we will see how the works go.. this week has much to keep me busy. I should start planning the wiring we should be doing soon. Maybe pull out the Lanshare and see what I can do to save them some more money. Maybe go to the transmitter tomorrow.. instead of Wednesday.

We will see..

Na nah na na nah na nah..
Life's so...  

R
01/08/13  1:21a

Well it figures.

Today was long, didn't sleep more than 2 or 3 hrs.
Got up before 5a. Made the best of it, made the grocery list and dinner menu, went shopping at 7am.
Last night got blown to hell, after work, went to otb and E showed after work, but I had to leave to shuttle the roomie and girlfriend at 12:30, and asked if shed be still out she said to text her when I got back, she didn't answer, went home and to sleep. Texted me at 11a.
L and I went to dinner and to the mall till 8 and home, I got bold and asked E what she was doing, getting ready for bed because she has to work in the morning. ..
Blew it...

So I am here, anyway.. our schedules are gonna dilute this to near to nothing. It isn't going anywhere, and probably won't she seems to want it that way, I don't know why.. I'm on the friends list I guess..

Can't wrap my head around it.. this vacation was nothing of the sort..
Can't wait to be busy 16 hrs a day.. let's see who I can piss off there..
Back to work work work..and more work.. maybe just out on fridays for steak.. and not. Anything else, unless I'm asked...

Drink'em if ya got em.
Absolut - ly !!

R
ISTBA!!  My old friend...

1/5/13. 10:17p

Insomnia?

Well I am up really early for no reason.
People asked if I was stressed..?
I am at the end of a 2 wk vacation, only having to work 3 nights each week..
Its not work stress..
But, my world is cold, and lonely, my bed is uncomfortable.
I stress over not doing enough, or not doing the right thing, having no help, and no one who gives a damn.
Both at work and at home.
I am just expected...
Required...
Obligated...
I've said it before, I want someone in my life that appreciates what I do, just some acceptance, not ridicule or judgement.

Well, I guess I'll go grocery shopping.. its not quite 7am...Saturday morning.

R
1/5/13 6:55a

Title

Arghhhhh.
Blew It.
Thank you, selfish roomate.
You are determined to ruin anything for me.
Because you don't consider me.  Just you.

R
1/5/13 1:41a

End of vacation

Well its Friday, the end of my vacation. Back to work on Monday. Didn't do much,  the past two weeks, there were bright spots, and got to spend a lil quality time.... but could have been busier, and could have been a better start of a new year.. but got the next few months. Got to see where I stand, where I need to be, what to do with my self.. going to need to be moving forward, and try to not be so needy, I got to be more for me and stop being stepped on and let be taking advantage of, I am going to be more about taking advantage of the things I need to and need to try not to be such a pushover.  It usually just ends in me shaking my head and asking what the hell just happened?

Anyway.. as usual I don't know what to think, did I come on too strong? Not enough?  Not really that important.. or is it..
Am I just to that point where I need to be ignored?
I was being a good Friend wasn't I?
I was not gonna push it. I really need to know, I have been paitient.. but string me along much?..
Then ignore me... wtf... I don't deserve that.
And you know it!

You know.. you could talk to me...
I am an open book.. but you choose not to read...
I can't do any more than I am..
I need..
You..

You . . .

Nope had to edit that..

ISTBA.

R
1/4/13 11:43p

Cold

Its cold tonight.
I hope I didn't mess things up, I always do, when I stop thinking, and start acting like I know what's going on.
I don't and I should know better.
I am sure they will get over it, but made for a different night than I thought.
Cold.
Oh well, today is another day, I must sleep, and figure what to do today, then to work.
Prob pizza and beer after work.  And do it all again Friday night. Then steak night. 
We will have to wait to see this weekend..
then back to normal next week. Early mornings and long days and long nights.
:)
R
1/3/13 1:36 a