Ummmm

OK..not gonna say much.,
I guess I haven't lost it. So happy about that!

Very good feeling. Just tired.

R

Yet another... istba

Yep, nothing new about that. Don't know what I am thinking or doing. I am strapped and work don't help. I need to buckle down, pay the bills and forget about anything for me.. I got that one time for myself... once in 10 yrs.. and paid .. or am paying dearly for it..
I asked for a lil help, and got instruction.. sorry I was doing ok with out your help.. you have been no help for quite a while. I guess its still one way... sorry I won't ask again.. get a job and get out.. I don't need you, and apparently you only need me for a free ride.. 
Don't want to be mean... but what does this do for me?  Nothing. 
You should be paying your own way.. not taking advantge of me.. independant.. nope.. far from it. 

I am a sucker..

Got to get thru this for myself.. on my own.. no one but me to blame.. bustin my ass for 10 yrs and no thanks, no ..I know I'm freeloading.. but thanks for letting me be me.. and being there for her..  I'm just that ass you can take advantage of, because I have always been me.. I haven't changed.. you did and blamed me.. and made me feel bad because you were lying to everyone.. I didn't realize.. and blamed myself..  surprize.. it was you, not me.. I am just the guy you could blame.. and it was you.. and yet you think it is my fault.. nevermind that you were lying to me and everyone else, and making me feel bad.. thinking I was to blame. BS... if you were just honest.. nothing has changed... $5k later.. your still lying to me.. REALLY??? 
This will never end.. I am to blame...

Damn..

R

I want...

I want to see more of you.

So, ... ?

Ok, been thinking about this all day.. time to write it down and see what comes out.

I kept myself busy all day. Got up early, coffee and a quick trip to the store. fixed a radio.
went to the humane society for our Sunday 2 hrs. Back home, drove the roommate to fountain, cause the car was still there. came home. had lunch w/L. Started laundry. did the dishes. went and got gas for the lawnmower. Mowed the lawn. Ate dinner. started cooking for next week. finished laundry. Watched tv for an hour. Ironed my shirts. worked on another radio.

Ok.. so a really busy/productive day.. Why have I been thinking about her all day? I cant get her out of my head. Wondering if i blew it.. wondering if she is thinking about me at all? does she remember the other night? I was behaving.. is that the prob? should I have not..?

the work schedule this week is gonna be full, and L goes back to school Tuesday, so my daily schedule goes from 7:20A to 3p for lunch and pickup/dropoff back to work till 5p home change and work from 6p to 10p.
I know this weeks night schedule is 6 to10 all week. So, no free time to meet up. Should I just text? ask whats up? explain myself? (I have a hard enough time figuring it out for me..)

Well, its almost 2.. got to try to get some sleep..

R

None

Istba. I am not sure if i am getting anywhere. I try, but I don't know if it matters. Did I try to lay the groundwork and mess up my chances.  maybe trying to be "non-commital" is keeping it aloof.
I can't seem to say what I mean. It comes out wrong. Mis-understood.
Probably too late to go back.
Maybe its cause I don't know what I really want.
I don't want to make the same mistakes again, had enough of that misery...each time...
Is it so hard to convey, that all I want is to be wanted and needed, reciprically... got to be mutual. If not, its gonna flash and burn bright for a moment and be gone. Waste of time.
Getting too old for that..and the bright light hurts my eyes...

I think my living situation is hurting my 'availability' but I think it is doable.. the right person should be able to see past it.
...
Tired.. going to sleep...

R

On a better note, wasnt alone

I got to go out and spend time. It was mostly normal.. kept reminding me it was time to go home and go to sleep.. long day and all.. stress filled.. that is why we were out.
Eventually closing Time, earlier we talked before about hanging at my  house, and decided to go hang by the firepit.
Talked... hugged, cuddled.. made-out..
Been so long.. it was weird.. I was not sure if it was good enough. But it kept up, and I was enjoying It.  So I asked if she was going home?   She was unsure, and asked if I was gonna behave, she was tired but wanted to stay, so she did.
She reminded me I said I was gonna get up early.. I stated I didn't need to.. 
So we cudddled and went to sleep.
We got up at 10, she was sure someone was up, and didn't want to confront anyone, I reassured her it was just my roommate and her ex-girlfrend...
Nobody cared or said anything, the roomate gave me that look
"Are you gonna introduce her" so I did. No biggie,  and nothing more was said about it.
Everyone else left, and I went out and worked on my car. Started my laundry, cooked monday's dinner.
  Waited to see what was gonna happen for dinner.

I did say it will be better the next time.

She don't get that its my house, and I can do what I want, within reason,  I don't have to ask for permission.
I am a big boy.. and can make my own decisions..
And finally its been 11 months.. no commitments.

Got to be comfortable.. I understand...I would feel weird waking up at her house..probably.

I think I get it, don't want to appear easy, but heck, it has been slow going.  Our first date was May, and I kissed her for the first time last night, in August!   
Its ok.. I can take it easy, and behave.. 

R

Going on record

Let's see.. its official, time to take advantge, is now..from now...
Planned this for weeks.. your ok with picking me up... yes, so text me.. tell me I am ready. When you are to come get me.
It takes 30 min to drive there... at 9:57 I get the text... at 10:30 I show.. walk in.. plugging in songs in the jukebox, has. A drink on the bar, just ordered... oh your early.    ... 
I got to finish My drink. ....
So, I walk back out... and get back in the truck... to wait.
Comes out, says don't be mad.. its Me and so and so and....
You can come in and have one....
I say i'll wait. She says will explain it on the way home....
This is gonna happen again.. 
Blahh......

Another night

Don't know.. why I can't connect.. the thought ... was told 'if we did that...stuff would happen..'  why would that have been bad? I don't get it... am I not one for that???? How much do ihave to do?? Am I too nice ?

Long day.. long week.

Hmm... let's see, today started..was at work at 7, slow start.. editor / network issues ... server issues.. work arounds done by 3..  call to help another location, work to connect it and make it good for them.. out at 5:30.. home change get to job2 for 45 min.. calledback to job1.. news graphics issue, go in finally fix it and go back to 2 at 8:15.. work till 10.. go back to 1, disconnect feed and reconnect the equipment for the morning.. reset another server and force catch 2 spots that we're not delivering..finally head foer home at 11:15... no lunch, no dinner.... gonna have to reheat  leftovers in the fridge... eat and shower before bed... the whole week has been this bad.  The weekend isn't looking any better..  always too much to do..

Who am I doing this for?  Not me..
Just need a better reason..

Well gonna eat..

R

Istba...

Yep, it does.. 
Still me.. I guess that is the problem.
It sucks to be alone.
Well.. that is me...  yep
Had a few.. 4..plus waffle shot.. its kicking in now... can't finish #5. But gonna .. feeling it now.. thanks Hank..
Istba... 
Story of my life.

1st week of Aug 2012

Well this has been an exciting week...
Last weekend was interesting. Fixing stuff for friends. ( I like doing that) and being seen. Shame i wasnt the type that can take advantage. the Texts were interesting..unexplained.. and probably forgotten.
Oh well, make a person think..
Things moving in a positive direction.. I think.. Monday, I had every intention of going home after work.. ended up across the parking lot , then got called into work, went to work, and got out about 11:30p, on the way home passed by, and thought.. dbl take, drove thru the parking lot.. not sure.. went home. should I text? and ask..? Nah.. but,, no got to know, at least if I am wrong have a beer and go home.. bingo.. right there.. sat and had a beer and chatted.. it was good.. really glad I went back. Saturday will be another thing.. we will see.
So here it is Thursday, been a busy week so far, work is getting exciting again, got plans for tomorrow, calls to make and money to spend. then work2 and Steak. Sat..unknown, maybe a short road trip to Bishops Castle. Then,  see if I can be seen, or seen with? - Backed off... no.. not interested.. No.. complicated? only if you want it to be.. I think its simple.. it is what it is, and can be what you want it to be..if only I would stop being so confusing.. (its confusing to me too.. I am doing that for what reason i dont know, probably because I think I am supposed to.. not that I want to..I just want to move forward and not hurt anyone or get hurt) Help me out here.. I know you can .. if you let me..   :)

How big is it??? that is a question i want asked again...this time so it can be answered.. or at least explained..

is your head spinning.. mine is..

R