hello there!

Ok.. 

To start..

I need to react.. I need to do my first thought..and go for it.. follow it through.. I can be the rock star! 

But.. i hesitate and i am really just me.

...

Next..

I have started on the engine swap.

I did 2 hrs in.. I have the nose off .and coolant drained, engine hoses disconnected,wheels off fender covers out. I am ready to pull the hubs and axles and bumper and support frame.

I need to spend a few hours.. and maybe if the rest comes apart .I could have the engine out tomorrow...or Sunday .

Yes, I could blow it off and go swimming or out .. sushi... 

I would love to see A before she leaves . . 

Yes, I know I lost that.. had my chance ... The one I waited for ..for so long.. decades..and it just wasn't the time.

..now after 5 yrs..I decide to do something new..and I feel I have a bridge burning behind me.. .and the hoses are over there..on the other side... It was good till it was not.

I'm sad.

..

So ...here I am..trying for some new happiness..and this time the distance is not helping..she is very entrenched in her life..and I'm still knocking at the door.

I really want In.. but I see signs... I'm in when I'm in..but looking in from the outside the rest of the time..

I know there is serious attraction..and need.. but I can't find how to get in.  . . I really want in..

I want to be more than an after thought..or I need to know if it is more .. or a right now thing.. 

I can do that. ..but want more ...

I want..a future.. I'm too old to have to be alone for the rest.. 

...

I m not surprised that I'm in this frame of mind.. it is the way it always has been.

Just me.. wondering if I've messed it up..or if I was just wrong..

..

We all know what the real story is.

...

Why am I still alone? 

I'm not..but that is how I feel..

Lonely.

I can fake it..and try to stay busy .

But.  Bottom line.. it's just me ..

. .

You!

The one that made me smile all the time.. 

I miss you.

R