hello !

Ok.. I am gonna show this place to N.

She asked and I agreed.

This is the place.

My place to vent, to mull things over and give my self advice 

Yes, it usually an expression of my fears and doubts..

Some times I can express things I never in new were in my head.

I start...and it just flows out of my head and into my fingers. 

Mostly it is just a list of the things I have been doing or want to do.

It has alot of my relationship status, and usually me looking for options. 

I think it is a form of self therapy. 

If I can express what is bothering me, I can work through it.

At the very least stop worrying about it , so much.

...

So, if you are going to read this..

Please keep in mind..

This is my brain dump..the place for me to voice my worries and concerns..even the over-thinking that I do.. most of the things I post are just me worrying about nothing..but sometimes I find the answers to questions I never knew I had .

Sometimes I don't even know why I post somethings.. but it must be on my mind..

.. 

This is me.. in all my weirdness.

..

R

hello there!

Ok.. 

To start..

I need to react.. I need to do my first thought..and go for it.. follow it through.. I can be the rock star! 

But.. i hesitate and i am really just me.

...

Next..

I have started on the engine swap.

I did 2 hrs in.. I have the nose off .and coolant drained, engine hoses disconnected,wheels off fender covers out. I am ready to pull the hubs and axles and bumper and support frame.

I need to spend a few hours.. and maybe if the rest comes apart .I could have the engine out tomorrow...or Sunday .

Yes, I could blow it off and go swimming or out .. sushi... 

I would love to see A before she leaves . . 

Yes, I know I lost that.. had my chance ... The one I waited for ..for so long.. decades..and it just wasn't the time.

..now after 5 yrs..I decide to do something new..and I feel I have a bridge burning behind me.. .and the hoses are over there..on the other side... It was good till it was not.

I'm sad.

..

So ...here I am..trying for some new happiness..and this time the distance is not helping..she is very entrenched in her life..and I'm still knocking at the door.

I really want In.. but I see signs... I'm in when I'm in..but looking in from the outside the rest of the time..

I know there is serious attraction..and need.. but I can't find how to get in.  . . I really want in..

I want to be more than an after thought..or I need to know if it is more .. or a right now thing.. 

I can do that. ..but want more ...

I want..a future.. I'm too old to have to be alone for the rest.. 

...

I m not surprised that I'm in this frame of mind.. it is the way it always has been.

Just me.. wondering if I've messed it up..or if I was just wrong..

..

We all know what the real story is.

...

Why am I still alone? 

I'm not..but that is how I feel..

Lonely.

I can fake it..and try to stay busy .

But.  Bottom line.. it's just me ..

. .

You!

The one that made me smile all the time.. 

I miss you.

R

been a few weeks.

Ok . . 

I will say it has been busy.

We did the MOTM and had no issues.. except the first hotel sucked.  It was a really small room with 2 small beds .

I actually slept on a window sill .. above the air conditioner..

With only a sheet and a pillow.

The bathroom appeared to be for handicap access.. no lip to keep the water in and the floor got wet.

No counters in there ..and the door was a sliding door that sticks. 

I cancelled the return booking and booked a better one across the street for the way back .

It had a pool. 

So.. the rally went great and beside being by myself.  It was cool..

I think L and J had fun. 

On the way back, we detoured to stop at Old Chicago ..and I checked my account.. 78 of 110.. tour 29..

...

I did go back to work Tuesday. Then went up to Nancy's on Saturday, took Monday off and we had time together. 

No test..so just cuddles.. but great company and good food and farm work. I moved hay, cleared codes on her vehicles, helped clean up and tried to recover the video files..failed.. but I think we connected a bit more. 

She has plans for this weekend and so do I . A work detail.. and the car work. And I need to clean a bit.

...

I did order her some bamboo seeds and a couple tests and a part for her car.

...

She is going to NYC for a family thing and events. 

..

Not in that place yet to be invited..

Labor Day weekend she is gonna be local for her sisters birthday..and will probably have to work Mon and Tue..

I will ask..

I don't think I'm on call....

..

Work has been slow..but the events have been back to back..

I did the Orleans block party last night till 10, and Todd did the carnival today.  And Todd and I are doing the road race on Sunday.

A little comp/OT.. can't hurt.

...

I think we are doing good .

I hope we are on the path..

I'm still trying to keep her interested, cause I am interested.  I wonder how far it will progress.. 

I could really be happy..

I hope I can keep her interested..

..

R