Add more work

I confirmed this week , that i will be either working or covering Friday early mornings. 2 to 10a or 3 to 11a.. for the rest of the summer..i. addition to early mornings during the installer crew visit next month..
On site at 6a..to 5 or 6p..Monday - Thursday..
So..i will be tired by the time i make it home..
And before we get rolling.. i have to go in on my day off this Monday to get something moved and placed before the installer crew gets here Tuesday.. and Thursday is.a holiday..but i will be working..

And..add to all that..
L was worried about a physical health issue..and made Dr. Appts..and the battery in Her car was dead.. so..i came home early to take.her to the Dr... then she had to make.a follow-up exam appt..for the day after...i bought a new. Battery..installed it.. so she could make that appt..
Everything was fine.. good to know..
On my way home ..i got in a car accident.. while i was changing lanes, in bumper to bumper traffic..the person in front of me stopped short..
Destroyed my passenger headlight..hood, grill, fender, trim.
I drove it home.. waiting for the adjuster to make an appointment.
So..limited use till we get that started.

Had a long day today.. major issues at work.. i verified all i could.. left it for the expert..conferred with him later..turned out to be an issue only he could fix..

I guess it will get busier before it slows..

I tried my firepit last night..
Disappointed.. too windy.. and kept changing so it was smoky where ever you sat.. i will have to try again..

That..is it..
R 6/29/19

Hurry up.. and wait.

The job has been full steam .. part delays and labor crew postponed..
We got as much done as we could.. i had plans to drill some holes to mount the coolant units today..but i got an email..and replied .. and was told to hold off.. regroup next week. Good thing..the station was busy today.. i got out by 1 pm.. got my 8..

Thursday..at 2p..i was told i had to cover the 3a to 11a shift.. so it was a quick turn..i got home..made dinner..cleaned up and went to sleep..
To get up...i was.back  home by 1..

Monday afternoon i got a call to go directly to the site..and.be there by 6am..so up at 4:30a ..and i worked.to 4.. and 2 hrs traffic home..
It has been a long week..

The late..long days..mean i have seen little of anyone..even L.. just work and eat and sleep.. not talking with anyone.. spending hours in the car..even at work..mostly working by myself...
Then i get home and mostly by myself..
I have no means to meet anyone new..

I realize i am in that mode..where i am realizing i am too busy with work to have time to dedicate to a new anyone.

I need more than 1 1/2 days on the end of the week..
To try to share with anyone...

Just no time to.do more than i am..

R
6/22/19

Day

It was a quiet day. Got my shopping done..i made the mistake of going to market basket after 10 am..
The store was not busy.. but the bridge traffic going home was bad..
Lesson learned.. go early or go to walmart...
Its ok..i know how to navigate traffic...
So i spent the rest of the day puttering around the house..
I decided to build a shelf for my desk.. to rearrange my workbench..
I went in the garage and started looking at the pallet wood i have..
I ended up building a dvd shelf.. assembled and stained it.. then cooked dinner.. woke L.. and ate.. then cataloged the new radios..and decided to head to town.. here i am.

I have things i should do.. not sure how to do them..
Not sure if i should ..
I have thought about what i have done and where i ended up.
I am not in the place i wanted to be..
But..i have to make do..it is not that bad.. just not as good as it was supposed to be..

I went looking for a thing.. i didnt find it..but found a bunch of my planners.. with my daily notes from 1989..up to 1994..
I looked through some of the entries..
Mostly a ledger of repair work..but milestones..of that time..
People that were in my life..important to me..
Notes of who and what was going on..
I realized ..at the time i knew RF..was not RS..
WK was not DK..
Semantics..but in the reality of it all.. it is important to me.

Yes.. i have noted important dates.. when i met someone..when they chose to not be in my life.. everything in between....everything..

Yes..i put some of the notes in code.. abbreviated..for space..
Some is too obscure for me to remember its meaning..
But.. if i think..i can figure it out..
I dont know the F in RF.. but it means i did know.. so i may figure it out...
The W..was not a D.. it immediately came back to me.. thanks Ray...
Your fault...you pawned her off on me..
But i had SR.. and it was short..

Now..we are old..er..
I m back here.. and..it appears..on my own..

Yes..i looked at the notes.. the pain and anguish i allowed back then..
A kid.. looking for love and a soul mate.. to be used and stomped down...
Funny..still happening...
Probably till it is done..

I choose poorly..

I expect others to be like me..
No agenda..no malice..

Absence of malice....

Yeah..

Yet..here i am.. doing the day to day...
Just me...

Somewhere i took a turn..
Probably a gradual turn..one i missed..
But..in this direction..
Down this road..the one where no one goes..
Just me..
I am alone..here... i have separated the me..from any possibility..
I have made decisions..that solidify...i will be alone..just me.
Clueless..and wondering why..

I got the..' you chose to live there' speech.. when i asked to  change my Friday schedule..yeah..i also chose to work there..

I think i need to look for options..

Loosing my train of thought..

Good night

R

Another Long week

The evening commute has hit a new constant.. the last 3 days have been 2 plus hours to go 52 miles.. been working mostly off site.. if i leave 5 minutes later it adds 20 minutes ..  timing is everything..
I just end up being tired and drained by the time I get home.

I have been leaving early in the mornings to avoid traffic..and get to work an hour early..but since i was told to watch my overtime..i sit in my car and read for an hour..
Also..i have just been punching 8 hours.. even when i stay late..
I cant leave stuff half finished.. so i press on to a stopping point.. so..add 10 or 15 min before i leave.. making the  commute even longer.

And once the transmitter installers are here..i will be working their schedule.. 6a to 6p..?? Meaning 4:30a to 7:30p for me..........

I chatted with an old family friend yesterday.. been 17 -18 yrs since we last talked.. lots of Changes in our lives..
We will have to catch up in person someday..

I have most of the prep work done..and plans for what i need to do going forward...work wise..
The Boss has made suggestions ..and changes.. and i have
Made my suggestions and did what needed to be done.
Now im at..the do what needs to be done..but stay out of the way..stage..
Always more to do..

All that..and i am sore.. i cant make a fist easily.. my arms are sore
My eyes hurt..

So no time for how i feel..mentally..

More to do..
More to come.

R 06/15

Not much to post

I was thinking today.. i am in a place.. a quiet place..
I do not have much to rant about.. yes..i am...lonely..
But i am busy and tired.. the only thought time i have..is during my drive to and from work.. lately it is busy..and i have to pay attention to the road and the other drivers..a bit more than before.. so no time to get lost in thought..
My weekends have been short..and busy too.. so i am to preoccupied to think about me or my situation.

I guess that is good..
Work is stable... busy..but plenty to do..and even though my boss is in charge..they keep asking me how to do this.. or for my input..
It is kinda strange when he asks me if it is ok to do something..for my opinion..or approval to do it his way.
I work for him.. if he wants a suggestion.. i will offer it..but.. he is the boss.. he should decide .. i will make it work.
But.. more to do..and i am.expected to get it done.

Home..is my quiet place.. i spend much of my time there by myself.
L is either sleeping or shut up in her room..
I will cook dinner..and.let her know... she may join me. She may not.
So most times i eat alone too.

I have plenty to do at home.. it is a house after all.. mow the lawn..clean the garage..wash the car..clean the house.. cook..do dishes..pay bills.laundry....and so on..
Plus anything i think i should add.. a new shelf..an extra outlet..
General house maintenance.
I have radio work.. i have been getting that done..
It seems to be constant.. for now..
Just a way to feel accomplished.
I am paying my bills.and going to work every day..

So no real time to feel lonely..
Yet..i. am
And i know it..

Not a lot i can do to fix it..

But in all...i feel it.

I have broken it.. and cant fix it..

R 6/10/19

Weekend..no rain...

Rain tomorrow..maybe.. i will mow the lawn if its clear..
We went for a drive.. stayed out of the traffic..ended up in Newport.. had dinner..walked around..got ice cream.. it was cool and the low clouds moved in the closer we got to Newport..so..overcast and cool but nice to be there. It made for a nice day.

I got my chores done early enough.. laundry and groceries...
Tomorrow.. i have to try the radio install again.. if that goes well..i may start driving the other car to work..it is better on gas.
Plus im racking up mileage on the newer.. got to spread it out..

I was planning on a summer road trip..but.. work is getting in the way..
I thought i could squeeze a different one at the end of August..but not sure.. and not planning for it.. will just have to wing it and see..if not.. we will do one by ourselves.. not key west..but something...

We..is L and I.

Just us...

Tuesday is the delivery day.. and it starts my busy week..
I will see if i can...get what needs to be done..on schedule..without hurting myself.. i expect to be doing a lot by myself.
Lets see..

I will perfect the work..drive ..eat..sleep..work....me
I hope...

...
R

Can I do a bit more??

Yes. I do not have a choice.
Delivery 2 will be here Tuesday.
The Boss and i will have to unload it.
We got the first small shipment unloaded. .. uncrated..and set.
Spent 2 days cleaning up the packing materials. Made room for the next batch.  The install crew is delayed.
We have been asked to some of their prep work to save time.
So... i will be doing the mounting and measuring and fitting of the 2" coolant plumbing. Mounting the heat exchangers.. dry fitting the plumbing.  In addition to uncrating, placing and loading 3 more cabinets.. and disposing of a that packing and pallet wood.
All with out the help i had last week.. he will be on vacation..
So...on me.
Gonna be some longer days this month.

We chatted about job hunting .. maybe a couple new opportunities opening up..

I got a call last night.. someone was re entering my number in their new phone..and called me...
We.chatted.. they thought i was involved with the person i went to dinner with last year ..around this time.. no.. they were leaving..to another country..and no plans to come back.. that is why i went to dinner and spent time with my old friend ..someone i have not seen since i was 15....and probably wont ever see again.
No.. i have been alone since November.. and probably for the rest of this year at least.. work will be my all till at least September.

I cannot even think about starting any relationship..i do not have time..
Or the energy.. relationships require communication..time..and understanding..i have little of each..and it will get worse..with the work project..

So..i am ....  stuck.. and still alone.

I think i know why..
I have considered the explanations..
I know.. you think im mad at you...
I think your mad at me..
You wont talk to me..i wont try to talk to you..
I dont think you want to anymore.
I know i am not.. him.. i wasnt trying to be.. but i think you thought i was.. you panicked.. corrected..i lost..

I dont know if it can be fixed..but it has been 7 months..

You know..you build up every day contact.. then you are touching close..and it collapses.. you try a day to.day.. and it stops.. end..done.
Is there any chance?

...

R