Not... or so..

Well I guess some people dont care to learn their lesson..
Some people are just poison..to you. It wont get any better than an addiction.. you want ... you think you need... and then you want more...no matter how much it hurts.. you want more.. but no matter how much you know it is not good for you.. you keep on. Going back. Letting it in, doing it again.. hoping it will be different.. but never changing anything... I think it was Einstine that said doing the same thing again and again..and expecting different results is the definition ok of crazy..
I can see why. Been there done that.. but in the end you end up with nothing but hurt..and regret.. and have nothing but bad to show for it.

I am sorry.. I care.. but have to let you fall in the mud.. and not be there because you are gonna do what your blind heart tells you to do.

R 6/28/13

Mixed

Well.. what is a guy to do.
I dont know how to play this game..
I suck at it.. and just dont know what to think..
I am an intelligent guy.. I get what is going on..
I can figure it out.

But I read what you post.. I see what is on there.. and I see what isnt. Your faking it..making it up.. posting what people want to see. But I just dont see why.. I get that you feel like you made a mistake.. but move on.. its a mistake. Your human.. you feel and listen to your heart.. and sometimes its just wrong. Learn from it.
Dont be ashamed.. it happens we stumble and get back up and move on.

Dont put yourself in harms way.. once maybe twice is enough.. the third time ... run run run... dont look back. You cannot afford the damage.. mentally, physically.. emotionally.. learn.. break it off..
You are worth so much more than that.
It hurts to see..

R 6/25/13

Timing..

By the way..something is up.. I see it.. but its more than coincidence..
I have been limiting my social networking.. for the past few days.. allowing for posts to go unread.. no comments to cause issues..
And finally last night.. well after bed time.. I see a few (6) posts that sound like the end... and the poster was still online!..
I was meant to see that... not intentionally.. not coincidentally. . I was meant to see...
Because this morning... the account is gone.. closed...
So had I stayed off.. I would not know.. I would assume all is going good and the acct was closed for privacy..

Now go back a few weeks.. I was getting ready to head home for lunch.. and was thinking on texting a hello.. and decided to wait till I got home. .. on the way she texted me... coincidence??

Back even further.. about a month.. I was headed up to the mtn.. driving past the street where she works.. naturally.. thinking about her... and she texts me and asks what im doing..... I was driving past!...

Also.. she was going away for the weekend.. and I left well alone.. not wanting to intrude... but the next day I thought to ask how her weekend was... and she explained how bad it was and how she need to talk ...

I think we are in sync some how.. just dont know why she dont see it... or want to see it...

Just putting that out there.. there has been other instances.. just dont know...

R 6/25/13

Not

This is not...
It would never be..
I am not..
I cant, and still be a friend. .
I wont..
...
All of the above..because..

I am. I was
I always will be..
I said..
I still do..
I have..
And I wonder..

And I wish...

But even if not still..
I hope.. for you..

R 6/25/13

Need space

Ok..
I need to break away.. stop relying on it.. stop stalking.. just stop checking . I dont need to know when they are on.. what they are doing.. I need to let them get ahold of me if need be.. it is doing me no good..
They wont.. so I wont have to agonize about it.. if I dont see..
Only checked 2 times today.. but not c or them or what they were doing.. looking for someone else..

I can do this..

R 6/22/13

The day

Well, it is the end of a long week..once again.
I am lonely ..at best..
I am sitting at my bar with a few friends, but ...
Its just not enough. Wish I had someone to look for..someone to expect me..or better than that.. someone to be with..
Got no real weekend plans.. mow the lawn.. shopping.. dinner..
Nothing else ..
ISTBA.. you suck.

I think its time for Crown.. Black .. chilled...

R 6/21/13

Days

Its thursday..
Been working all week..
I held off, but sent a hello text yesterday.
Got a reply and how are ya doing.. but that was about it.
So I ended it with having a busy day and said to enjoy it cause it was nice out.. and ttyl.

I am aware.. I know how this is to be.

You are in and either dont wanna mess that up by being too friendly, or got what you need and dont want to give me the wrong idea.

I wont 'pester' you... as I promised. I think I have made it clear, I am still here if you need me, but as a friend, I wish all the best and hope it works out.

No regrets, no grudges.

Of course, no one to talk to either.. :(
ISTBA.

It dont hurt.. im used to people moving in different directions.. at least she's not running away screaming!.. LOL

E is a bit different.. just nothing.. that I dont like.. I deserve a bit more..but I guess I should have figured.. she hasnt unfriended me.. so I still see when she is on.. but I gave up messaging and texting.
Little or no answers mean 'go away'.
Out of sight, out of mind. ...

Got to get my car fixed and trip worthy.. and plan that road trip. Probably south and west loop. .

We will see.

R 6/20/13

In

Ok, so after talking to my friend about what was going on..
Expressing my concern and opinion...
She has decided to give him another chance.
I hope it is better this time.
I mean it. I know what she went through and how much he means to her. But I hope he dont screw it up. She deserves the kind of guy she thought he was.. not what he became.
I care that she is happy. Not hurting.
Not lonely. Not sad.

I hope she dont think I dont want to talk to her, or I would be one of those 'I told you so' type of people. I hope it never gets to that.

Friends first.

R 6/18/13

SUNDAY.

Well ive made it through another week.
Actually barely..
I had to work most of it and the weekend too.
I asked for company saturday night and got 'your sweet ' for an answer.. then later mentioned that I didnt get an answer.. and got ' ive been in my pjs all day'
Not being discouraged I said I was just getting home she has time to change...
It was no.
I knew it was going to be, I just wanted some company. But I went anyway.
Ended up shuttling people home.
It was fine.
I am not a bad decision... just bad timing.

R 6/16/13

Friends

Well as a friend.. I hope I made sense.
I heard and reminded.. shes still confused, but she should not go back.. it will end badly.
I dont care that she isnt interested in me... I do, but it dont matter...
She should be happy.. not miserable.
He wont change.. he dont care..
It sucks.
The heart will hurt you if you dont watch out.

ISTBA... but not if you have to suffer to avoid it.

R 6/13/13 10:25p

This week

Wow..
All I can say.
I dont get any of this.
I understand the not wanting to let go of the love in your heart. But the issues and greif and disrespect is rampant. Cut it loose and miss the good but remember the bad. Dont do it again. It will make you sad.
Proven.

R 6/13/13

Nothing to do

Here I am.
Nothing to do, no one to do it with.

ISTBA

It must be summer.
Story of my life.

Not one anyone would read.

I have a lot to share. But no one to share it with.
That really sucks sometime.
I work and keep busy.
It isnt enough .. spent the last 20 working to be comfortable, for nothing. Dont get me wrong..what came out of it is the best.
I would not trade that for anything.. but that chapter is nearing its end.. and I dont know what to do.
Im not having any fun... not much to drive me.. I am missing out on all the rest.

I seem to be doing what I did when I was younger.. floating day to day.. accepting the day to day issues as all I can do.
I finally have my work life moving ahead.. but I cant get to comfortable. .changes are coming.. and I have no idea what to expect.. I cant be worried about it. It will happen if im prepared for it or not.
My personal life is just too expensive to be any good.. I need to change it.. its just me and not anything to be happy about.

If you have read any of this blog..
You will see I am seeking and hoping but striking out ..
I get too attached too quickly.. and then try to slow it down and destroy what ever may have been.
I do not have the best means of selection.. or make the best choices..
Unfortunately what worked in my past no longer applies..
I was a fixer.. but back then the younger me coul afford to fix people that were broken.. their problems were less complicated than an older person.. now I cant be looking for that.. I cant fix the avg persons issues.. they are just too different.
I need to find ... someone that dont need fixing..dont need me... just needs someone to love and to be loved by.

Too deep.. ?
Too much?

ISTBA.

R 6/8/13 11:23p

Posts

To the readers of this blog..
Please be aware.. there may be posts regarding diferent issues going on at the same time..
Sometimes its just random and can be hard to follow.
Sorry about that..
Sometimes (mostly) its just about reactions in my head that need to be voiced.

R

Friend

Hope against all hope.
Yes, I must accept the fact that I am just a friend.
I have no regret of how or why I felt the way I did.
Only that I wasnt able to share that feeling.
Been here before.. just along side.. accepting friendship as the most it can be.
It's really ok. But I see I will have to wait before she will allow us to be near each other.

Could she be afraid I couldn't handle it?
Or maybe she couldn't ?

Oh well, my feelings are to be mine alone..and I should allow them to wane... so it doesnt hurt..anyone..or anything.

Friendship is still needed.. by us both... for now.

R 6/05/13. 7:30a

Her:
I would never hate you for it. I adore you as my friend. And I'm sorry I just don't have the same romantic feelings for you. I do cherish you as my friend and I never want anything to mess that up. I like spending time with you and hanging out.

Me:
:) sorry for the drama.
I was hoping we could try again.. but I know it isnt up to me. And if your just not feeling it, not much I can do.

Dont let me pester you. If I get to be too much, just tell me.

As you know, I do care. And the last thing I would want to do is make you sad, and I never want to make you cry.

I do not want to lose you as a friend.


ISTBA!
R 6/4/13

Done said

Yep, guess your right, trying to be the good guy and not make you feel sorry for me. I feel like ive messed up and lost my chance at making you mine.
Poor choice of words but the ones that come to mind.
Im sorry I didnt give it my all., my mistake..
I thought it was the thing to do at the time.. trying to be respectful..
You should know I do care a lot for you. But our friendship means a lot to me, and I dont want to mess that up by falling love with you if you dont feel the same.
Dont hate me for it.. but that is what it is.

R 6/3/13 11:05p

Im not the jealous type.

But I be a liar if I said it doesnt hurt.
As I said beforemmm I missed out on something wonderful.
my mistake. Damn it.

Be happy for her.. hope it works out.
Dont be a dick.
Be a friend. I know how to do that.
That im good at.

ISTBA..stop laughing at me...

R 6/3/13. 11:41p

Not giving up thst easy

Well I am gonna keep trying.
I get positive vibes if I keep talking.
I like what I hear.. and dont want to give in ...
This could be something nice.. just got to keep moving forward. .

R 6/2/13 12:23a

Whatcha gonna do

Ok..
Question for you ( not one but all)
What are you gonna do once you have turned me into the asshole you wish I was??

Thats what you want..

But if ya get it.. your not happy...

Guess what.. I would not be happy either.

Who wins here???

I really need to start over.this sucks.

:(

R 6/1/2013. 12:50a

Ignore me please

I must be sending out this vibe.
Ignore me please.
Ive sent texts..and get no answer..
I have worn out my welcome.
I am feeling neglected..
I dont deserve it..
I am the one friend you cant get rid of..
But they must try..

I have said it again and again.
" if ya want me to go away.. just tell me... I ll go."

That simple...

Cruel world that it is.. no one will be honest with me.

Truth hurts and truth can set you free....

:)

R
6/1/13 12:14a

Ok.. nothing..

Well that is strange.
Dont know where to go with that.
Chat..chat. .. then nothing.. no more responses.
No indication of availability. .
I sent a good night text. But prob should not..

I sure can scare them away with out trying...

But thats me..
( I hope everythings ok).

ISTBA.

R 5/31/13 11:08P