Not my fault

It is not my fault. You left me, for what ever reason, I know it was a good reason, but because you are gone, does not mean you have to be more distant.
You know I care, I know you care, even though you refuse to acknowledge it to anyone else.
Now a month gone you choose to not chat.
You limit your contact to only what I initiate.
It hurts because you cant say goodbye.
If you are moving on, it doesnt me we cant be friends.
Or at least friendly...

R 4/30/13 7:40a

Bye for now

So, to relieve the drama, she has deleted her facebook. So that means no more posts or msgs. Unless I text her.
So I did this afternoon with my other phone.. asked if she was ok. Said I noticed she deleted her fb. She replied I dont know who this is.... I explained I was on my other phone.
We chatted a bit.. she was feeling down.. and was at her parents for dinner. But apreciated the concern.

I dont know when I'll Be able to chat again, I did mention for her to let me know if she needed to get out.

She has not typically contacted me... to go out... it has always been me.. asking...

But. You never know...

It would be nice..

R 4/28/13 12:13 a

Finally

Yes I finally met with that friend for a few drinks.
Only been since January..
But , it was her breakup/I'm single night out.
There was a underlying theme...
I am single, I dont want a boyfriend, I dont need one.

But I was there as a friend.
It was still nice to be out with her and her pretty friends.

I went well except for the mini asthma attack.. but even that ended with a lil hugging. :)

I'll hug a pretty woman any day!

Again I think it went well and hope we get to do it again soon.

No contact from E, except friday 'good morning' , then a question ...
Could she use me as a reference for job apps.. I replied certainly.

No facebooky posts today.. but I had a few last night, stating I was out with friends......

Not sure if that means anything.

R 4/27/13 4:59p

Wait

Wait...
I wait...
I wonder...
I want to know.

I need to stop.
R
4/25/13 11:00p

Eventful

Bar fight...
Interesting and tense.
Cold cocked a drunk. And his girl didnt let it go...
But ran offense for a bit. And each left.
After words. But they left.

The rest of the night was quiet..


Finishing my drink and going home to sleep...

R
4/21/13 1:25A

Sat. ISTBA!

Well, im here and doing not much.
Missing you as usual... but nothing can be done about that.
Listening to the drunks sing.
Trying to just be without thinking
As hard as that can be...

I have been thinking about what and why..
I know it meant more to me than to you..
Intense.....

Waste of time as usual..

Story of my life.

R
4/20/13 10:40p

W A I H

Ok.. im out looking for something... not sure why.
I should be home. But I said id do the pickup thing.
So I am out at a different place looking for that person I met before.
Not here, I should go to where I am known.. and just wait for the text.

R 4/19/13. 10:22p

Time

Well I am missing you....
I dont know if you care...
You never talk to me directly.
You have to hint..
I dont get hints
I would much rather you came out with it.

Never gonna happen.....
But...I have to wonder..

Istba....
R
4/18/13
1:05a

Oops

I just opened my blog prg and found the last post not published yet..

So moving on..

I texted you today...
And now I see more posts, hmmmm

You replied to my 'good morning beautiful' with a 'good morning' , but that was it.

Anyway.. the day moves on...

Still miss you.

R 4/17/13 3:29p

Testing

1.2.3...
Ok..I am not delerious..
I noticed that since I havent texted you for the past 2 mornings...
Your relationship posts have all but gone away..... hmmmm.

Still not sure who those are for.

Do I go a 3rd day? Will you text? Im guessing not....
You are still playing games with me...am I missing some important hint...

Dont hint at me.. its not working ..I dont get it.
Either you do or you dont..

Its really not up to me.
I feel as I feel, not much has changed.. more doubt..but not how I feel..the question is what do you feel? Or what will you allow yourelf to feel ?
.
4/15/13

R 4/15/13

Sleep

Much needed.
Alcohol induced..
Sleep
L

Had a few conversations, about the stuff in my head..
Feel better, probably the Jameson and the blackberry brandy shots..
But I am glad I could talk.

Now I need sleep... shots are kicking in...

R 4/14/13

Still here

Well, bored now.. weird night. Dont know what to do.
Got to figure out what I did before.. been almost a year. And now it feels empty. Nothing to look forward to at night.

ISTBA my old friend.. you are back. Gee thanks.

I guess I deserve it for being so ' intense '..

I will never figure it out so I should just stop trying.. its what I did. So long ago.. and it didnt help then.. prob not gonna make a difference now..

Go figure..

ISTBA.

R 4/14/13 12:49A

Time apart

Well I am unsure what to think as usual, I read what I see...
And wonder. What is directed at me? What is for me to ponder.
Am I kidding myself and it really isnt for my benefit.. is it to make me think or does it have nothing to do ithme at all.

I see that its obvious that I am seperate from everyone else.. never a coment or any acknowledgement of anything I say..never.

I wonder what that means...
Does it mean I dont (never) mattered?
Or
Does it mean I am 'special' and cannot be acknowledged publicly. ..

It is hard to decipher. . I dont know what to think.
Most of anything recent ia all about relationship and being apart.
It is far from random.. it is directed at someone..
But I dont think its me.
I am not getting any other contact beside what I create.. then its limited and short.
I have left several opportunities for contact to be initiated from her but it never happens.
I have to keep the contact open, I dont want to lose out by falling off the radar but I think that may be the next step.. put it on her.... see if I really matter.
Been there before.. and lost out...
She still owes me... but it will have to wait.. I think I have to back away. Let her get on with her new/old life...
I dont think I play into it any more, if ever...
It is and has been what it has been... I am treated very differently than anyone else...

Out of site and out of mind.

Miss you.

Back to my drink..

R 4/13/13

Back to the old grind

Well been more than a week..
She has been busy, we havent talked much. I miss her, but she is there and I am here. If she dont seem like keeping intouch..

Hmmmm

R 4/8/13