oh $#1t

Ok.  

Not ok..

I really dont know what to say.

As always what i think i should be doing is wrong..

I know everyone is different..i cant expect anyone to act or react the same as someone else .

But even knowing that.. i still mess up.

The last few relationships i have had, fell apart.. and i realized and actually asked and was confirmed.. that i get to eager or intense.  I took it for all in committed.. but found that it scared them away . .. so i have made an effort not to be so intense . That causes me to appear indifferent..

Which is not the case... not by a long shot.. if im in.. in my head.. i am running the scenarios.. hoping for a happily ever after and all.. i have always worked though the what ifs.. and usually the hope for the best wins over the oh, its all gonna fall apart.....

Yet, here i am.. realizing i made the wrong assumptions.. yeah i know..

Asumming makes an 'ass out of me to you'...

Yes, im still making the same mistakes.. nothing i have experienced in my life helps me because my longest relationship...20yrs..was a lie.. and nothing i could ever do could fix it.

...

Move on .

Now is now..

And i think i have already used up my wishes for forgiveness.. i always screw it up.. especially when it something i want to work...

..

This week has been a slap in the face ..i cannot do anything right.. nothing i can do to make anything work in my favor..

My well . .. the 2 projects i have been working on for the past month went belly up..

The used car is just a money pit.. still not road worthy..and i bought a new module for it..and blew out the programming software on my laptop, trying to program it..

And now..it seems the new used engine needs to be rebuilt..the head gasket is bad.. or worse a cylinder.. which i wont spend the money for that..but im invested..and need to make it work..(insert the swear of choice)...

3 of the radios i have for repair are ..so far..out of my expertise..not making any progress.. i should be able to..but my mind isnt cooperating..i cant figure them out..

...and i have messed up the one thing i thought was gonna help me get through all of the other stuff..

Over thought.. expected results that were wrong . Did all the wrong things.

 Really.. i would drive hours to be close to her.. it made me feel so good.. wanted and necessary.. but.. i held back and .. it was the wrong thing to do..

I didnt want to scare her away . .. 

She is just what i needed ...

I was falling.. and was afraid to let it show.. i was afraid to show her . because i didn't want to appear to needy..even though i am.. i need that kind of relationship..one where we support each other..and anchor the other from drifitng into all the things that make a person unhappy.

..

I had a person...take advantage of my feelings..and took every opportunity to remind me that they were in control..but i had already realized that i was a diversion..and all i wanted was someone who understood me..and if that meant no future..ok.. i would take the right now..and forgotten tomorrow..but even if i wanted more ..i knew it was never going to be.. 

I can be a realist.. i can take what i get .and be ok with that .

It isnt my goal..but i have almost given up on what i want..need ...out of a relationship.. i am always looking..but being pessimistic....i figure i need to take what i find..and can figure out the implications..after ..if i can find that person ...the one where we complete eachother..

I will be more than happy..

I can be optimistic..and hope to find her... its why i keep looking..

...

But..i get in the way.. i always mess up a good thing....always.

Yes, this is what usually is in this blog.. laments..and degrading view of me .. but ..in the dark.. its just me.. trying to puzzle out my issues.

...

I wish i didnt overthink how to be..

Because it is never the right answer.

Damn.

R

thursday

End of the month around the corner.

I guess i f*@k'd up somewhere..

No answers for 3 days . 

I get it.. busy.  Sick . Busy.. tired..

But a response woukd be nice ..even a fck off . Would be better than silence.

I just finished my 2 weeks of on call.. busy.. calls all hours all weekends and an actual call out for a failure.. and a truck detail on the night of my well pump repair.. 

$2500 later.. at least we have water and can flush... and i can do the mounds of dishes.. 

..

I have radios to finish and angry people wondering whats taking me so long . And one that I'm waiting payment for.. he dont answer emails..

..

Never ends..

..

I just dont know..

I guess even when i think i do..

Im mistaken.

R

my well is broken

Yep, the water had low pressure all week.. them today it quit.

I found my well head, buried in the woods behind my house. I was able to get the cement cover off and found the well pump running.. it was very hot..and the surge tank was empty. 

I killed the power, and turned off the main water valve in the house.

I spent the next couple hours calling plumbers.. the last one finally answered the phone..i scheduled an appointment for tomorrow noon.. and will have to take off work to meet with him.. then go back because i have a after work detail scheduled from 5 to 7p.. 

I hope he can fix it.. 

I have no running water as of right now. 

$#!t

R

this week

It was a busy week.. 

On call.. got called out twice .

Sunday..and Tuesday.

I think they were related..but sunday was an information text..i was required to follow up..it was 4 am..and got a follow up text from my manager at 7:30.. everything was working..the thought was a service provider had an outage..and just didnt notify us.. but it turned out tobea failed ups.. which i was called out for on Tuesday..and replaced and reset the ambulance circuit..

All was good after that.

4 hours ot and 4 hours comp time.

Plus 4 hrs for weekend call..

This weekend is the second 4 hrs on call.. which we split ot and comp.

...

So N is better and working and sleeping.. so little contact . 

I was worried for abit.. no responses to any texts, for a couple days..

But, she is doing better and was splitting her time between work and sleep.

I am relieved..was fearing the worst..

...

So i have this weekend on call.. and Monday pass the phone off..

I hope to sneak up to maine next weekend.

..

Been busy with radios ..some local.. i mad a few bucks.. and spent them on car repairs.

Tomorrow i need to do an oil change.

...

Monday i have radio parts coming in..and a radio to finish..then deliver..and get cash!.

..

So this weekend is supposed to be wet.. so..no plans.. end of summer.. beginning of fall.

...

R

no storm

Lee passed by degrading to a tropical storm, far off coast. We had rain last night, but by 8am it was breezy and dry.. the clouds were gone by noon. Still cool and breezy..but no damage, no floods, no issues at my house.

I worked on the car after a haircut and groceries. 

...

So i figure the weird codes in the car have to do with the module i had the corrosion in, i will try to replace it with the one from the donor car, which is like new.. i have the software and tool to read the existing and write it to the replacement.

Maybe it will fix the odd codes and random notices of lighting errors.

...

I got a work text at 4:30 this morning.. and called in to the dispatch office, and was told it was informational.. they saw some intermittent connections.. so they switched to the backup..i went back to bed.. the boss texted me at 7:30 and asked if i called about the notice.

I told him what they told me.

He said it was the ambulance system not the PD , that showed on the logs. 

It may have been a power outage at one of the sites.. he suggested i call and see if it has resolved itself.

The ambulance ckt was good, i asked about the PD.. they didnt know about that.. so i called the PD and asked if it was still down.. they said it just came back about 3 mins before i called and they switched back to it and all was good .

I sent an email noting that .

...

After dinner i did some radio work and am almost done with that.. 

Just a few more hours to install the new micro and tune it.

That was all.

Im tired and should sleep .

R

storm Lee coming

Work week is done. On call ..

And we have a storm passing by.

Shoukd be here tomorrow at 8am..

Been windy all day..clouds moving the wrong way.. but we had a red sky sunset. 

Lets see how the weekend goes.

Monday starts the bridge work.. and i have approval to start an hour early and leave an hour early..

Hopefully it will work.

We had somebody break in to the family property..trashed it..idiots just going through the stuff making a mess..

They didnt take the valuable stuff..

Amateur.. probably just kids.

Being jerks. 

Why cant they just leave other peoples stuff alone.

..

Well.. Hopefully chuck is gone soon...

And N can get back to normal.

Its my on call weeks , otherwise id be up there..

..

The new car is finally settling down..

Drove it on the highway tonight and it did well, and no new codes. 

I want to hook up the computer and read the modules and save them.

Maybe see about setting the convenience settings and program the headlights. And the errors shoud clear..

..

Maybe good for a trip to maine..

..

I need to get the state inspection done.. and it is good.

..

Ok.. i guess N is not reading this anymore.. sorry..too soon..not my intention.. 

But, i wanted her to know ..me..the inner stuff in my head.  And that i am committed to her and want to make this my Future..

I want to do all i can..

But..i seem to f up stuff .. especially the things i want.

But..i hope the person i am is apparent and enough.

..

This is me.

...

R

September is here

The weather isnt September like ...yet. but i think its close.. we have a storm coming, and im gonna guess the weeks after are gonna be very September..

I have bridge construction to look forward to on my commute starting next week and for the next 3 months!

Im gonna plan to leave earlier for work.. which should lessen the morning wait..but no help for the ride home.

We requested to start early ,leave early..but no result yet.

I am just planning on the early start..if i cant clock in early, i will read.

..

N's daughter got engaged! Thats cool!.

C will be moving out! So that headache will be gone.

That started as a good idea..and turned south quick.

Family is one thing, but even family are guests if its temporary..and should respect the host..even more than strangers.

I hope the damage is minimal and easy to recover from.

...

Im in my on call weeks..and have plenty to get done. I hope i can keep ahead of it , and make a few $$.

I have had some inquiries for Chips..but no follow-up ...so far.

But..as always..money in the bank.

I have 4 customers equipment to get done.. so i can be busy these days..

...

I am looking forward to spending more time with N.. I am liking the feeling i get when we are together.

Maybe she can come down sometime, and spend time in my house.

...

I have started the tea tree treatment. 

I will make it a routine.. and hopefully it will work. I have been using the salve on my shin.. and shoulder. 

I know this stuff works, and hope it shows results for me.

..

So..im working on it..

..

Hey, N.. miss you.

:)

R

that is what busy looks like.

I know too many people that are just , flat out busy.

All the time. 

Sometimes i will take on too much, i will make sure i have something to do or something that will need doing, if i get a free moment.

I dont have slack time . .. i have the next thing.

I even have made it a good reason to get to work a half hour early so i can read.

I had tasked my self to read the un read books in my bookshelf.

I didnt have to..but i realized ive been so busy..that i needed to add another thing.. so i could read.

Its a positive.. but its one more thing i do.

I work my 8hrs a day all week . I get home, and pay bills,then work on radios, then make dinner for all the roommates.. do the dishes, and work on radios till bed. I gave up watching TV.. i try now and then.. or stream stuff while i work on the bench..

I am usually up past midnight.  If i can i shower before bed. If not i get up 15 min early to shower before work. 

I rarely have downtime. 

I always take the roommates out for a drive and dinner on Thursdays .. and Saturdays.. 

I work on the cars...mow the lawn..

Clean the house.. 

Just need to make time for just me..

So i have been trying.

My girlfriend is a major priority. If i can i will.. i really want to!

I need a break.. for me .

R