More November thoughts..

 Here we go.. 

I have had a few more things to think about..

My Friend left for home, on-time, on Wednesday, and arrived safely at their destination.

We had a conversation of how I appear to them,  what my expectations look like to others. 

I tried to explain how the way it was interpreted is not how I felt, not my intention at all, in fact very different. I appreciate the information, because apparently I am making things appear very different than how I am and how I want to appear to those around me. 

Some of the appearance is colored by their perception of what they expect of me from my past, but I know some may be coming from me.  

It is nice to know, because I do not have anyone in my day to day life that knows me and isn't afraid to tell me how I appear. Sometimes I am so set in my way, I don't see the decisions I make are automatic, and truly not based on anything that matters anymore in my life. Really no reason not to re-evaluate many things in that I do and believe in my life. 

Again I have said, most of the time it is only me making these decisions and most are made out of my convenience, or no real reason other than that is how it ended up happening, and I repeat it, and it becomes habit.  There are things I do, that I do not believe anyone but me would understand my reasons for doing that way, and it can be embarrassing or frustrating to explain.  In the past I would just change, and do it the way I thought they would agree to or understand, or the way they wanted, to reduce any conflict. This can be simple things, unimportant things, but may seem very important to someone else. 

It was nice to have some things pointed out to me, from someone I trust. Maybe it will help me in the future. 

More Later...

November 2020 cont..

 It has been a very busy week.

It appears we have elected a new President. 

We have had rising numbers in the pandemic. 

I now know 2 people that have or had the infection...one recovered one just diagnosed. 

No one in my proximity.. 

I have received a letter about the family property, looks like someone is positioning themselves, treating it like a $1 bill on the ground.. pick it up and keep walking.... 

Because of this letter, I did end up contacting my brothers, via Phone, Email and text.. and My Uncle. 

I am not sure as to how all that will end up. I think that I just want it to be fair, and not for one person to take it all.  

November is here, I met my milestone with a hug from my daughter, then off to work.

My friend is wrapping up the visit, and will be flying home on Wednesday. 

Then it will back to work and isolation.  

I have requested some paid time off to burn up some of what is left, and am waiting for approval. 

I will still have more than a week, if that gets approved.. no rollover, but maybe a week payout. 

I have been thinking about the past few years, Lots has happened. 

I thought I was doing many things the right way, being a good person, helping others, and myself. 

Here I am in this place, mentally and physically, and wonder why everything changed. 

Was I mistaken? Was I not really doing what I thought? Am I really that different face to face?

The last month or so, I have had someone I trust, point out things I am doing, and have done, that are not intentional, but are not how I thought they were. I have closed off a lot of me, and had given up on inviting change in my life. Getting set in My Way.. 

For years and years, I had given in and compromised, and let stuff go to keep the peace. Bottled things inside, to avoid conflict. Doing that led me to destroy or allow the destruction of a few relationships. Yes, I was not always doing what was needed to keep those relationships, but I never wanted them to degrade to where they are now. 

It is difficult if not impossible to repair these things. I have remained friends with people that have done terrible things to me and my relationship with them. I forgave them, realized we were young, and realized I was also to blame for the way things ended. Most are still my friend, some have chosen to forget me. Hopefully some regret what they did or how they used me, even if I let them. Acceptance and inclusion was all I wanted back then. To be ignored or discarded was very painful. Now it seems the way things are. The pandemic has not helped that in anyway. 

Now, I find myself thinking about how to plan ahead, 5 or 8 years from now.. 

It is part of getting older, I guess.. 

R 11/8/2020