A quick note..probably part 1 - 'November 2020'

 I am trying to get caught up.. I have been slacking on posts, and hope to get more regular. 

I have had lots to say, lots on my mind, I just haven't been able to post any of it. 

Yes, most of it is my normal nonsense, and is not that important. But I know there has been moments where I should have expressed the thoughts and posted it for later review. 

I do use these posts for my own reflection. I often go back and read what I posted to see what is there. 

Well here we are, the end of October, It is actually snowing outside right now. The election is coming up, and I am required to work on my day off (actually night off) Tuesday, and Wednesday and Thursday, for the late evening shift... 3PM to 12 or whenever. We are headed into November, and Time off is not allowed till December. I have 90+ hours to try to use before 12/31.. of course scheduling around my co-workers, who will also be trying to use up time. With the Covid-19 pandemic still affecting all travel plans and the ability to do anything... I probably will be limited to staying home a few days..

November 2020 ... another year older.. Still alone.  Bridges still smoldering all around me.. 

Interestingly enough, my brother, texted me to give me a Zoom link to watch a presentation from his son, last week. I have not communicated with him since 2013. Later he sent me a thank you message for helping him back in 1981. ..Odd... 

Going to go, for now.. more later... 

R

I have no excuse

Not really.. 

I find myself here..it is because I put myself here. 

It isn't a bad place to be, just it could be better. 

Oh yes, it could be a lot worse, I am glad it is not. If I want it to be better, I need to make many subtle changes in how I let things happen. I did the drastic change already and made the adjustments to end up here. Then I stopped..my plans had changed so I reverted to what I know...work, work, eat, sleep..work.

I had some encouragement and also realized the repetition of my lifestyle, and tried to push through..I succeeded a little.. but snapped back when the world hiccuped. We had some nice things that finally happened and now that time is coming to a close and what to do next and in the months going forward, is what I need to work on. I need to make sure not to fall back to my isolation. 

I have few friends in my day to day life. Most recently, one of my friends who is my age, and knows me from our past, has been helping me see things. Life tends to pull people apart, in many different directions, some will spiral apart never to meet again. You only have the memory of the past, usually colored by age and perceptions that change with time. 

As adults you find, if you examine your past and the pasts of people you have known, and with additional information from your adult perception, what you thought was happy and glorious was not always that. Time and age sometimes shed light on things that were kept dark. Hopefully the adult version of you and them has grown and learned from the then and the now. Fortunately this friend from my past remembers me from then and knows me now and has been helping me see things I took for granted and understand things I did not.  Plus since we grew apart from where we met, and came back full circle, or nearly full circle, their insights on life, the universe and everything are fresh for me. It is surprising to me to find how easily I can accept their suggestions and help. Yes, there is some resistance. My ways have been 'My way' for a long time. I also had many years of conditioning to relinquish my handle on my controls, only to be left holding it by myself. I had to re-learn how to take ownership of my control, and of course went into 'got to be my way' mode, because there was no one to challenge or even suggest any other way. But with a little thought and consideration, I can see their point and I think I am learning to grow again. 

It is nice to be around someone of my age, that has not given up, and is still trying and willing to teach and help someone like me. As I said the face to face will be coming to a close and distance and borders will become a restriction. I need to make sure I don't slip back to isolation. I have no excuse to slide back, I can continue to learn and grow. I need to keep trying to improve me and the world around me. 

I have no excuse...

R 10/10/20