W.T.S.H.T.F.

 Interesting.. Just learned this acronym. 

I can wait.. I am in no hurry.  take your time...

Well, I think i have something to say, so I open a new post.. 

then, it is gone. 

I got home late last night from work, of course could not sleep, and was up late..but got up fairly early and set about the task I promised I would do.  A simple installation/calibration for a friend.  

I sort of planned for what to do after, and did not think it through. No matter, it worked out. 

Item delivered and accepted.  

I must say, I do not know why I cannot allow myself to say the things on my mind.. I restrict my responses, hide my feelings, unintentionally..probably from years of training.. 

Don't mention what you feel, see, want...you may over step, insult, scare away...you think it.. you sometimes even think you said it,  that compliment,  aloud..but you didn't.. and may have given the impression that you didn't care or notice..when you really did, really do.. So many years of being politically correct, being on good behavior.. gets you no where.  

Sure, I am not typically one to open up, even to close friends...If I ever did to you.. consider yourself in a special class.. 

This is why I am where I am now.. yet, with the current world situation, it will not even have a chance to change for what looks like years..  You know.. If you have read much of this.. over the past years, it is obvious, I have had many years to look back and see the repeated mistakes in my life that has robbed me of all but the smallest happiness..  Oh there has been some, and I am very grateful for those moments. But, I find , if I try to examine my history, that I messed up in all the critical places in my life. Either not doing enough, doing it at the wrong time, or with the wrong people. 

When I was a young man, I was very restrained, and had little opportunity that I took advantage of, I had opportunity, just chose to let it go. Then when I found what I thought was what I had been looking for, I was lied to, and kinda like the Meatloaf song, was praying for the end of time.. only to be discarded in the end, 20 yrs later, with even less self-esteem and plenty of responsibility and no one to share it with.  Yes, it is mostly my fault and my choices, but now here I am.. just me.. with no options, no choices.. I keep reaching out, and grabbing someone's hand..some hold on for a short time, some smack it away, some never notice.  Then here I am, making stupid mistakes as always, and when I step back and look at my behavior.. it appears that I am pushing away or  I really don't care.. I am not scared, I am not pushing away.. I am just not being obvious enough. Or if I am, I am being let go.. let me dig my own hole and I will make enough mistakes to pour the concrete in around my feet. 

The problem is, we are too old to play, but refuse to be outright, forthcoming, we refuse to just ask.  I don't seem to have much trouble being socially distant.. I have always been. Yet I have always said I never want to be alone. I had family, and when that drifted apart, I was alone from then on. 

Here we are in this world, in its present state, and fortunately I am living in a relatively calm and quiet location. Just 'waiting for the shit to hit the fan', and who knows what will come next. I had been holding out with the hope that it will all blow over, but now I am not so sure. I think the world we once knew, is gone.. and what will come, wont be recognizable.. so all this above, will be lost in more important day to day life issues. There isn't anywhere you can go to get away from it, it is coming and we will have to wait and see, and make the best of it. 

So, in the end, If I impressed you or not, If my attention or kindness or feeling or love mattered back then, it won't..it will be lost in this .. change.. The changes have been mostly subtle, but more and more they are there.

I need to think about the things I can do, going forward.. I need to figure out what I need, for me.. and stop waiting and start making it happen. I am not 20 or 30 anymore, and no one is going to help me figure this out. The ones I relied on, the ones I chose to help share in these decisions, are no longer in my life. My mentors and ones that gave me guidance are also gone. It is really on me.  

This plugging away as I have for the past 8 or 27 months is just getting me to the next month, still in this place in my head.  

Wow, it has been 27 months.. 

Lets see what happens in the next 12 days.

Maybe it is time to just turn the fan off.. 

R

8/24/20

August 2020...

 Well, August 23,  I took last week off from work. We stayed home. 

The first few days I was up early with no alarm. 

The weather was hot through most of it. 

I spent hours working on the radio bench, not making any strides toward fixing the current problem. 

I spent hours messing with the car, trying to get the radio module figured out.  I finally got the wiring set correctly. and found the module was bad, requested a refund, got half.. and ordered a new module. 

It didn't work either.. a lil more than the last , at least it powered on.. but no connection. So requested a refund or replacement, they offered a refund. So I ordered another from somewhere else. If finally came in on Thursday, and I connected it and logged on and activated it, and it works!

Meanwhile we had a couple cool days and some rain. 

Then back to work.. 4 normal days.. and tomorrow I work a swapped shift, 3p to 11p instead of 5a to 1p..  

My Vacation was uneventful. We took a couple drives to no where. 

One all the way to New York via western Mass. The other down the Cape. Basically just scenery drives, and a chance to chat with L. 

The rest of the time off was just hanging around the house.  I had a few things on my to-do lists but never actually got to them with the exception of trimming the lawn. 

No real contact with anyone. 

this is the way it is.. 

hmmm

R 8/23/20