Moving

Mentally..not physically.
It is not an easy thing.
Endings..
If chosen, forced, voulentary,..or it just happens naturally.
Never easy to get used to.
I will survive.
Not that somtimes it hurts.. even when its needed.
But.. life goes on..and you are soon forgotten.
Replaced..
Nullified..
And you continue..just add another scar.. that heals..like all other wounds.. it makes you second guess the next one that wants a piece of your heart..and then its tougher for you and them.
Its unfair..that you will allow yourself to care..and it ends up hurting..you and the next...
Making it harder for you to trust the next one..and making it bad before it gets started...and the cycle continues.. just to be alone again.
Not much anyone can do..
Maybe..someone who knows..and has been there will come into your life and you both will forget all about what ever it was..

Got to hope... and keep on..

R3/28/15

Back from my trip

Ok.. spoke what needed to be said..
Broke it off... backed away.. ISTBA.. holding my hand..
I know the results..
I will be.. she wont be for long.
I have responsibilites. .that I cannot shirk.. but I will do what I must.. my happiness is still secondary.
I have to encorage my L do do what she needs to do.
Grow up..learn responsibility.. begin to be an adult..
I know she will if I let her.. and if I push her just a little.
She is intelligent and will figure it out.

Meanwhile ISTBA..is keeping me busy and alone.
I have works and enought to do.

R
3/24/2015

Waiting

Probably a mistake.
I am waiting by her car. Hoping to get a chance to talk to her.
I already know the answers..I just want to be sure.
I hate not knowing.
I am usually wrong about most things.. but confirmation would be nice.
And maybe a chance to salvage a friendship.

It can be over..if need be.. but I dont want it to be.

Maybe im just not free enough to let this happen.
Too many years of old baggage.

Of ourse once I figure we are comfortable. .I am wrong.
ISTBA.. you trickster...

I knew better than to allow my self to get attached. But that is probably why.. I just took too long.

Roger... you just suck.

R
3/16/15

Misery

Like I just said..
Sorry I didnt know I was making you live in misery. That was never my intention.

I have so much going on right now.. I really tried to make this work. But .. you decided to become unavailable. . I guess to show me what its like.
Yes it hurts. And as you have pulled further and further away.. I just hurt more.. and wondered what I did..and when.

It does not seem that it is meant to be more than friendship.
We both have busy lives..and as I see can be made busier.

Timing was never an easy thing for me. And dealing w L and works and promotions and bills..and responsibilities. . And a girlfriend I guess is just too much for me.

R 3/16/15

Is it time..has it run out?

Bad week.
Havent seen her since Monday.
Texted a bit about not much. Then less and less.
A good morning with a delayed response.. then a how was your day response.. by wed.. nothing.. then questions about car troubles.. and then no response to are you still up.. 2 days later.. a short conversation ..
Today.. not there at 10.. texted at 12.. got a response 4hrs later.. and then asked if she was mad at me.. 2 1/2 hrs later.. the ans was no..
Why? .
I responded she seems to be distant toward me...
Got no response..still.. 5 hrs later...
I feel like im not important to her anymore...

ISTBA.. you bastard..

R
3/15/15

What did I do?

Says it all.
Dont know.
Maybe I do...
Its not a us thing..
But.. we dont have .any us things..
I guess that is what it is..

My bad..
You have your thing.. seperate from me..
But that was ok..
Now ... not so sure..
I think ive..? Messed up..

ISTBA..
Of course I have...
Thats what I do.
Mess up whats getting good what works...

R

March

Well this is March.
Stuff is happening...
Promoted.. raise..
3x more to do...
Stress.....
Conflict....
Decisions...

Works are still crazy..and I am dealing.

Going to a reunion .. for a weekend trip... leave fri night and back Mon night..

Got to..or someone will get hurt.

Working the last 25 or so days.. straight.. some times just one or the other...most times both..
Not eating. .not sleeping..
Fighting a head cold..and trying not to kill anyone..

Mortgage is in limbo.. day 10..no indication of a bill from the New loan holder.. said give it 30 days..... yikes..

I am considering.. and may regret ..but may not...
Dog.
Time has made this happen...
Life gets in the way..

Shut it.. ISTBA...

R
3/10/15

Realization

Well... I just now realized something...
When I was growing up.. I always made friends thet were oldr than me...in schools I was always younger than those in my classes.
As I have aged.. I have many older friends.. but lately most of the people I know as friends are younger..and I dont notice .. most of the time how much older I really am.
Its scary.. because am I trying to be younger.. or is it really unintentional...

A question.. not sure if I can answer it..

R
03/08/15